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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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6
KateyCuckoo · 26/05/2023 22:43

Well I wouldn't be happy with his lack of explanation.

PickNewName · 26/05/2023 22:43

He knows where it’s gone.
Its either gambling or a huge drug habit!

Could you ever trust him again? If not, then divorce seems inevitable.

DoTrollsShitInTheThreads · 26/05/2023 22:44

Sorry, op. That's awful. It's obviously going on something that he doesn't want to admit to.

BattingDown · 26/05/2023 22:45

It’s very clearly something he’s already denied it is. That’s too much money to spend on nothing. Gambling addiction seems likely. OnlyFans possible.

Snugglemonkey · 26/05/2023 22:46

That is too much money to spend on fuck all. What has it really been spent on?

tiaandduck · 26/05/2023 22:46

Divorce him. He's hid it from you and spent it behind your back, and he's lying to you about where it's going/gone.
That's a massive sum of money to go on nothing as he says.

TeaMeBasil · 26/05/2023 22:46

That's awful, so much money. You need to know where it's gone - 'I don't know' is bollocks.

That's a massive amount over 18m, I'd think gambling?

StarGazerOriental · 26/05/2023 22:46

Did you not have access to the savings account OP?

Meggymoo777 · 26/05/2023 22:46

Good grief, that's a huge amount of money to spend in 18m. I have to agree with PPs... he absolutely knows where it's gone and isn't telling you. Drugs? Prostitutes? Gambling?

It would be divorce for me for sure. Not only has he gone behind your back but he's spent your children's money and is now lying about it.

Sorry you're going through this x

PragmaticWench · 26/05/2023 22:46

That's thousands a month!! I'd demand access to all his accounts, otherwise he's out the door.

Aria999 · 26/05/2023 22:47

He knows where it's gone.

If he really didn't, he could always go through the statements and figure it out.

He has effectively stolen your joint money, 'I don't know' is not an acceptable answer.

Can you look at the bank statements yourself?

SD1978 · 26/05/2023 22:47

You can't spend the best part of 30 grand on fuck all. Do you not look at your bank statements or finances? He knows exactly what he's spent it on. I would take away access from the account, transfer the remainder and start divorce proceedings.

Unananana · 26/05/2023 22:48

Gambling, porn, drugs or another woman/women or child. There isn't really anywhere else that amount of money would just vanish too.

There is no way he doesn't know where its gone. How dare he treat you like an idiot! You need to ask for bank statements and then a divorce.

Amuseaboosh · 26/05/2023 22:48

He absolutely knows what he's wasted it on. Has been withdrawing cash? Transfers? He's not giving you the entire truth. Thinking back, can you think of any changes in terms of items bought or his behaviour?

What a huge betrayal for you. This would be the end for me. But you will work out what's right for you. You're in shock right now.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 22:49

He knows, he's just refusing to tell you.

I would say gambling. You would have noticed a drugs habit that costs that much.

You would never be able to trust him again and once trust has gone there is no relationship. It's over.

FatCatBum · 26/05/2023 22:49

Coke? That is an extreme amount of money, I would not be able to get past that at all

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/05/2023 22:50

I do think it's cause for divorce. I think it was gambling, but only because I can't see how you could spend that much on drugs.

I would be going through those bank statements line by line and I wouldn't do it while he was sitting next to me.

Theimpossiblegirl · 26/05/2023 22:50

I'm so sorry, op.
I think it must be gambling, drugs or escorts.
The bastard.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 26/05/2023 22:50

If you haven't already done it, remove his access to that money now. Take his card and change the online banking password.

You can take the time to figure out what you'll do later. For now you need to know that what's left will still be there next week.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2023 22:51

Bloody hell, that’s a HUGE amount of money. Not only has he stolen from you and his children, he’s now treating you like a total mug by saying he doesn’t know where it’s gone. That’s shocking, unforgivable and definitely plenty of reason to divorce.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 26/05/2023 22:51

Oh and by take his card, I mean cancel it on the account so he can't used the saved credentials in his browser/phone/apple wallet.

Bobbybobbins · 26/05/2023 22:51

As everyone has said, he clearly knows where it has gone.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 26/05/2023 22:52

He knows exactly where it's gone.

Has he volunteered any bank statements?

I am sorry, this must be a heck of a shock.

katmarie · 26/05/2023 22:52

Not sure if anyone can tell you how you should feel. But I think I'd be shocked, followed by furious. Give yourself some time to process, though. Don't make any decisions until you have had time to sit with this a bit and think through what you want to happen next.

I think a lot would depend on your overall financial setup, what's left, what the money was spent on, etc. It would also depend on his attitude about it. I'd find it hard to accept without a better explanation than 'I don't know what I've spent it on'.

If not gambling, then the usual suspects are drugs, alcohol, some other addiction, women (either affairs or prostitutes), or another family he's supporting. Or, more recently, investing in something dodgy like NFTs or crypto.

You also need to look at how you didn't know this was happening. That to me suggests you don't have enough visibility of your family finances. Is that deliberate on his part, or just how it's been? Either way, a hard look at bank accounts and some serious transparency on his part are needed. And if he's not willing to do that and own his mistakes, then I would find that very difficult to move on from.

Moredrama · 26/05/2023 22:57

OP you need to insist he shows you all accounts/transactions. He knows fine well where it’s gone. My DH couldn’t explain to me why he had no savings and was always skint, eventually it came out he’d wasted loads on gambling and other rubbish.
It’s awful when one of you is planning for the future you discussed and the other is throwing it all away. You can get through it if you want to, but it will be hard if he’s not willing to be open and honest now.

Just try to stay calm at the moment whilst you get to the bottom of it all, because otherwise he will just close off and for all you know it could be worse that he’s currently telling you

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