Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

Unless there are huge cash withdrawals this whole story doesn't make sense. In an electronic world there is no such thing as not being able to explain where the money went. You simply check the bank and card statements.

Either there is something missing from this story or...

Mr NeighNeigh says if ops dh was stealing from the kids premium bonds then it's most likely gambling - he'll have been thinking he can win it back and replace it.

Whatever it is, it's absolutely the end, I'm sorry for you having to deal with it all.

What are his qualifications that make his suggestion any different to the large number of women who have made the same suggestion, aside from owning a penis?

Ah

an OP’s husband has given his opinion.

open and shut then.

might as well close the thread because the answer has been given.

what is your opinion @Neighneigh aa I am more interested in that tbh

A PP

Mr NeighNeigh says

That's settled it then. A man has decreed that it has to be gambling, so all the silly women many of whom said the exact same thing can pop off home to do the ironing.

https://ugc-assets.mumsnet.com/images/201408/large-991536-behold.jpg

Sad that some posters are so threatened by a woman valuing her husband's opinion.

But I’m more interested in the woman’s thoughts. But nope. We just get her partner’s

Why though? What makes her thoughts any more interesting than her partner's?

Sad that some posters mistake calling out the widespread social pattern of women deferring to men for feeling threatened.

He can make his own account and post for himself.

When a woman says "my DH says..." without qualifying that her DH has relevant professional training, there is a very strong subtext of "I don't have my own opinions, I ask my husband to think for me". If you can't see a problem with this very widespread social phenomenon of women deferring to men, especially their husbands, perhaps this Harry Enfield sketch will help.

Really? Widespread pattern? Women (plural)? Deferring?

It was literally one woman repeating what her husband said in the most neutral way possible.

One woman being part of a widespread social pattern that is so well-known that Harry Enfield did a sketch about it.

I’d be most interested in the opinion of a man from the US if I’m honest. That really would be the definitive answer to the OP

The op asked for mumsnet posters views

Not their partners

Why the US? The OP has talked about Premium Bonds and given figures in GPB.

@AbraKedavra not the op

I love Karma.

She's such a bitch!

I knew someone who had bought himself a sports car which his wife didn't know about. It was garaged elsewhere. Something like that could easily explain the big spending and regular additional spending (garage, maintenance, insurance).

Hi Op, I am going to be straight with you he is not really telling you ANYTHING by way of an explanation. I hate to say it but your inner warrior needs to come out & you need to bury him. I think that’s going to be the only way you are going to get any answers.

This man could be involved in anything, nothing he has said to you makes any sense. If he is with you most of the time then the chances of another woman might be slim but then again what if he is a subscriber to something like onlyfans?

Have you had a chance to go through his credit card statements?

Definitely have the baby with you each night & get a proper lock on the bedroom door. I don’t want to alarm you but if he is not willing to come clean and not move out you need to make sure you have a safe & secure place for now. He could be in debt to anyone.

How the hell does someone not know where they have spent £57k??? Seriously how can you not know?!

You sure he doesn’t lead a double life?

& If he already had £60k in his account why did he not spend that? It’s like he spent that money knowing you would find out……

I really hope you get answers Op & please don’t take any risks. If you can get someone to ring you at certain times & if you don’t pick up then they need to absolutely check on you is so important
right now until you know what you are dealing with.

Best of luck in getting some answers.

Oh dear....for those wondering if I am at the kitchen sink deferring to my husband, actually we're on a long drive and I, you know, talk to him....my opinion was at the bottom of my post (that I'm sorry op has to deal with this shit). His opinion was gambling because he couldn't reason why anyone would steal from their kids if they didn't think they could win it back (with the obvious caveat the op DH is a fucker). Sorry for having a chat with my dh though....

Nobody's threatened by her valuing his opinion, but she's saying with certainty that it must be true because her husband said so.

She didn't actually say that. Perhaps you're projecting your own biases and experiences.

The secret 7k credit card bill will give you an idea where some of it has gone, unless he is withdrawing cash.

@AbraKedavra she gave no alternative though, did she.

I'm not projecting anything. Her husband gave the same suggestion as plenty of other posters.