Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

@ASeagullNamedDog just read what @Haywirecity and @Meggymoo777 have just posted. Those responses are the sensible ones at this moment.

It has gone somewhere.
Even in a high income household money is traceable.
Where has it gone? What purchases are there?
Holidays booked, car loans, takeaways, clothes, expensive toiletries?
It can't have actually vanished.
If it isn't gambling, prostitution, drugs or the like he needs to identify what it has actually been spent on.

What does he say when you ask to see the bank statements ? It should be simple.
If you’re not getting anywhere tell him calmly tomorrow is solicitor time, and try to rest

This also
Take care of yourself

If it's gone on 'stuff' then he'd have credit card or bank statements showing it, surely.

Who spends that amount in cash?

When were the cash withdrawals? Where did they take place and what time? You should be able to access all that info on the bank statement.

He's absolutely hiding something else.

Dont apologise.

Some people forget that posts on MN are peoples real lives and experiences, not some TV show that they can binge watch for instant gratification.

Take your time. Read, think, digest and I would strongly suggest that you think about who can support you best IRL for thenext few weeks. You wont always feel this way, but right now you are in free fall and need to be looked after by people who love you.

I admit that for me it would be over. Only you can decide if its the same for you and with what conditions. All I would say is that you need, if you choose to stay, total transparency. I am afraid that you may never get the trust back.

Take care my love xx

It's such a betrayal .
It's happened to my mum with my step dad . He has been a high earner and worked for 60 yrs . Has absolutely nothing to show for it . Spent his pension , got into huge debt and all their retirement dreams in tatters as they're living hand to mouth . No-one can believe he's burned through so much money and he doesn't know where he's spent it. Of course he does he's just not saying . To top it off he's decided to have a breakdown as he won't take face up to what he's done or take responsibility for his mess . Bastard .
OP I don't say it lightly but if he's capable of this now he'll do it again and I'd seriously consider if I wanted to stay with such a person . All your kids future security gone just like that .

Really sorry OP. Protect your cash and assets. Put a Land Registry alert on your house to ensure you know if any attempted mortgages or sale of your house happens: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert

Says it's just gone on "stuff"

I genuinely cannot imagine a conversation that just ends with this explanation.

I can only begin to imagine how awful this feels.

Take it one step at a time.

Don't worry about updating!

Xxx

I'm so sorry OP.

My dad did something similar, in his case it was because his business was failing and he was too embarrassed to admit it to my Mum. They did manage to work through it, but he did own up when my mum found out and there wasn't an issue like gambling involved.

As your husband isn't admitting what he's spent the money on, I suspect it's gambling. I think if he was using £2.5k of drugs each month you'd have noticed.

You need to see his bank statements. Has he been paying bills etc or is he in arrears? With my parents, it came to light when bailiffs turned up and it transpired that my dad hadn't been paying the mortgage. He was responsible for the mortgage, my mother paid the utility and food bills. They didn't have a joint account. If your dh pays the mortgage, check he's actually been doing so.

If he's been spending it on "stuff" there'd be something to show for it.

Only you can decide if this means divorce for you. His failure to give you an explanation is ringing huge alarm bells. He owes you an explanation. I'd suggest you get the children looked after for a few hours this weekend and have a very frank conversation with him.

I’m sorry to say he does know where it’s gone and he’s still too ashamed to admit it. The most obvious theory is usually the right one.

"Some people forget that posts on MN are peoples real lives and experiences, not some TV show that they can binge watch for instant gratification."

Preach. The only thing worse is the "something doesn't add up" crowd accusing OPs of fabrication (usually arriving when a thread gets popular).

I'm really sorry OP. I've been through something similar, and yes, it was the end of the relationship. (In my case it went back years.)

There is likely to be some kind of money trail. The money had to come out of the bonds investment somehow. Into a private bank account where onward transactions will be apparent, for example. You can start by insisting you want to see statements, and follow the trail from there.

Of course, he may absolutely refuse to provide statements, or the statements may show he's been taking it in cash. In that case, the behaviour, I'm sorry to say, is guaranteed to be illegal or deeply immoral. He won't have been frittering it away on t-shirts and soft drinks. It will be gambling or prostitutes or an affair partner or drugs.

A warning: you may never find out where the money actually went. The knowledge that's it's gone, that he lied to you while taking it and that what he used it for is bad enough that he's prepared to keep lying or being deliberately evasive (saying he 'doesn't know') to hide it might be the only closure you will ever get.

If you decide to divorce and you have shared assets, there is some provision under law for recovering misspent funds from his portion of the assets, if the amount is significant, like it is here. It's called 'wastage'. Not all lawyers are immediately familiar with it, so if you are consulting a lawyer, ask them to look into it. If you're determined to trace the money, you can hire a forensic accountant, but they're expensive, and it might be worth concentrating on using a lawyer to force some kind of financial disclosure as part of the separation instead.

There is no way he has spent so much and has no idea what on!
he needs to come clean.

Of course he knows where it went, its too much money! So sorry can only imagine the shock. Be interesting to see what happens now, as he won't be able to buy as much "stuff".

05:13 and he still doesn't know what he's done with it

He spent £800 on a piece of hobby equipment

£300 on tools

I can have all his wages apparently, paid straight into my bank.. and he's gonna sell £17k worth of hobby equipment

But he still can't tell me where the rest is

I'm completely exasperated and the baby will be up soon

Worst day of my life. My marriage is over

I agree that this isn’t accidentally frittering (which £800 a month could potentially be, in theory) but the £37k in savings is calculated. Others have suggested likely causes but you need to get angry and demand an explanation. That’s your money too. How dare he try to palm you off so casually with such a lack of honesty.

Cross post.

Now he is clutching at straws big time. He’s expecting you to accept this explanation? Bollocks to that. Ask him to leave and not come back until he’s magically “remembered” what he’s been spending £3k a month on. As pp said ask to see the bank statements and credit card bills. There is an answer here and it’s not a pretty one and he’s scrambling to cover his arse but it’s failing.

Yeah 37k over 18mths (without the £800 from his wages) is 2k a month. That isn't frittering on 'stuff'. He needs to come completely clean, with bank statements showing exactly where and on what the money went.

Your marriage is probably over anyway. I couldn't get over stealing from your children like that. But I'd really have to know where it's gone.

I feel fit you OP, this is huge, selfish betrayal.

Are these cash purchases (so untraceable)? This in itself is odd and extremely iffy.

You need to decide what's best for you. For me, the worst thing (I think?!) is the lying, and pretence that he doesn't know where it went. How on earth can he possibly think you'd believe that?!

So he's stolen money from your children. That's all you need to know. He,s not your H he,s an absolute liability. I wouldn't be able to get over that.

If he was your boyfriend you’d get the police involved because it would be theft. I assume it is a joint account so you can’t do anything about it? So sorry about this, op. What a thieving cunt. That money would have helped your kids through university. Conniving fucker.

I’m so sorry, OP. Let me do the math for your asshole “D”H, and let’s see… £800 on hobby and £300 on tools… that’s a month and a half of the £800 wages he was supposed to be saving for the last 18 months and hasn’t. So he only needs to account for another £37,000 and £13,300 (the second number is £800 of wages for 18 months, subtracting that £1100).

So… tell him to give you his computer and phone and you’ll add up the receipts for the £50,300 worth of stuff, and see if anything can be returned. Not because you intend to do that, but because he’s absolutely full of shit. He knows exactly where over £50K went; I’m sorry to say I think it likely that it’s gambling, sex workers of some kind (including OnlyFans), or risky investments like crypto, which are just gambling by another name.

What a complete bastard to gaslight you like this, though. Refusing to just be honest about where the money went, when you already have to deal with so much hurt. Him dragging this out only turns into an even bigger drama, the idiot. But if you read threads about marriage-enders, this is so often how it works. For example, even when a man is caught with another woman, he tries to lie first, then say it wasn’t sex, then say it was only once, then FINALLY admits the full relationship only when he has no other choice. It’s pathetic, it’s unfair, and you don’t have to put up with it. Please speak to a solicitor about “wastage,” as @CheekyHobson mentions, as if you own a home together or will be splitting assets in a divorce, you should be able to recoup the £37K by taking it out of his “half.” Sadly, even though it was meant to be for the children, you may only get half of the £37K.

He’s lying. I’d divorce him and get my share back