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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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CheekyHobson · 27/05/2023 05:49

But he still can't tell me where the rest is

Oh, he can. At the very least he could give you a pretty good idea. Nobody spends that kind of money monthly for a year and a half without having some concept of where it's gone.

But the fact that he's stalling and acting dumb and avoiding the hard questions instead of sitting down and going through it with you step by step is a clear sign that he doesn't want to own up and tell you what it's really about.

It's possible that a portion of it went on the 17K of hobby equipment he is suddenly willing to sell but he doesn't want to admit that yet. He may have a spending addiction. If he does, chances are he will play it as some kind of 'get out of jail free' card and a way to cast himself as though he's a victim too. "It's not really my fault... I have an addiction." My ex even tried to say it was kind of my fault he spent all the money because he "wasn't happy in our relationship", the shameless bastard.

The thing to keep front and centre in your mind is that he has been lying to you for well over a year and even now that he's caught, he's still lying. He hasn't fronted up and come clean. That's a sign of bad character. He is still putting his own interests first and trying to get away with as much as he can. He knows deep down he has done a horrible thing, but he doesn't want to take responsibility.

From my experience, liars like this act terribly sorry and make all kinds of big promises to fix things at the time when they are caught (which they actually won't live up to), while still trying to act as innocent as possible.

Once it becomes clear that you want the whole truth and genuine reparations and it's going to take a lot of hard work on their part, they become resistant, then aggrieved and self-righteous, then start trying to shift blame onto you. They are weak and selfish and they only really care about themselves.

Tonkerbea · 27/05/2023 05:51

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you can get some support in real life too. A betrayal like this is seismic and he needs to stop his selfishness and come clean so you can stop torturing yourself wondering what he thought was worth blowing your savings and marriage for.

Violasaremyfavourite · 27/05/2023 05:57

You must be so shocked. Your husband is treating you as an idiot because obviously he does know where it went. Unless he literally handed over 45,000 pounds in cash, there will be a paper trail. I think @CheekyHobson has good advice. I would be checking his credit score too because he may have debts as well. In fact I'd be checking yours too.

I would be incandescently angry which might not be wise choice. I would find it easier to forgive infidelity than him taking money earmarked for the children.

CheekyHobson · 27/05/2023 06:02

I would find it easier to forgive infidelity than him taking money earmarked for the children.

That is exactly how I felt. Not that I would have forgiven an infidelity that went on for years, but I was far angrier that he was prepared to betray and deny his own children than that he was prepared to betray and deny me as his partner.

HadEnough2023 · 27/05/2023 06:06

I'd be demanding to see the past 18 months of bank statements, I'd also take his name off the premium bonds or transfer what's left to your name only what a selfish arsehole. Flowers

CabernetSauvignon · 27/05/2023 06:09

Pretty clearly gambling, and he needs treatment immediately.

ThankmelaterOkay · 27/05/2023 06:11

Bitcoin? or some other cryptocurrency?

Probably lured in by one of his mates.

Kitsmummy · 27/05/2023 06:12

"I don't know where it's gone" is code for "I really don't want to tell you where it's gone"

It's absolute divorce worthy. Not just the stealing of all that money from your children but the fact it's obviously been spent on something very shameful.

bevelino · 27/05/2023 06:13

MyNewWittyUserName · 26/05/2023 23:15

I'd tell him its transparency or the police, for theft.

Then divorce.

The savings were in a joint account and you cannot steal your own money. The police wouldn’t do anything and would simply tell OP she should have checked the account.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 27/05/2023 06:14

You would think he will have transferred money to his account. Surely there has to be a trail showing what he's spent it on.

It's incomprehensible to spend this much and not know what on.

Do you have a friend you can confide in and speak to, try and get support and advice. Someone who knows him might be able to give insight?

Please remember to take care of yourself, eat, drink water, maybe write some stuff down if your head is spinning with thoughts.

You will get through this even though its seems impossible now.

pinkfondu · 27/05/2023 06:19

He needs to understand tgat giving this information is critical to how you view your next steps

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/05/2023 06:19

Unforgivable. As is his total lack of explanation.

pinkfondu · 27/05/2023 06:19

He needs to get his statements open and start answer questions

KickAssAngel · 27/05/2023 06:20

If he doesn't know where it's fine, then he needs you to go through accounts etc to help him work it out. Otherwise he'll just spend any other money and get into debt. So for his own benefit he should be going through accounts with you.

SkyandSurf · 27/05/2023 06:20

Wishing you all the best OP. How distressing for you.

I'd hold him to selling the hobby equipment- although paying £17,000 for it (what hobby is this?!) doesn't mean it will sell for that.

Completely separating finances in the short term, counselling and then you can decide about continuing the marriage or not

Patchworksack · 27/05/2023 06:26

Saying he’ll get salary paid to @ASeagullNamedDog and remaining savings transferred to her sounds like he acknowledges he needs help and is out of control. Presuming he wants to save the relationship he needs to be completely honest about where the money has gone. It’s despicable to take money from his children, the only thing I can think is he’s been gambling and convinced himself he would win and pay it back.

BlastedPimples · 27/05/2023 06:30

Bloody hell.

He knows fine well where the money has gone. Perhaps it's even stashed somewhere.

My stbx burned through £635k in three years. Or so he claims. My solicitors are working on finding out where that money has gone.

If you divorce - and it looks like you should because he is so dishonest - then make sure your solicitors are made aware of this missing money. The fulfilling of Form Es in the divorce will show the last year's finances.

Flowerycat · 27/05/2023 06:31

It will be pretty simple to work out where it went as premium bonds are withdrawn into a bank account so there is an audit trail.

You need 18 months on the premium bonds- you can then see the dates the money was withdrawn. Check 18 months of the linked current account and check off every premium bond withdrawal. This is probably the current account.
Check any credit card statement and paypal and other bank account showing on that current account statement.Highlight and google any name you don’t recognise.

It is possible to fritter away large sums , food out at lunch, hobby equipment, days out etc. But if this is the case you will see it by doing the above.

GoodQuestion01 · 27/05/2023 06:32

You would probably get an idea about where’s it gone from just one bank statement. Why can’t he show you one? You would know if it’s something dodgy or excessive spending.

My adult dc has a problem with spending money (not in the same league as your husband as she doesn’t have access to a lot) and she sent me her bank statement saying, ‘It’s all gone on little things.’

It wasn’t little things as in coffees and toiletries. It was a £50
ticket to a gig, Uber there and back, meals and drinks out, lots of clothes she didn’t need, perfume (not expensive but five bottles of the stuff,) things for other people. She could spend like that every day, going around the shops picking up random stuff she doesn’t need without thinking.

Is your husband a shopper? Does he have lots of parcels delivered to the house? If no explanation at all, I would be suspicious.

Flowerycat · 27/05/2023 06:37

Despite it being easy (but time consuming) to work out where it went, for me the issue is that every time he chose to withdraw and not tell you he lied by omission. That is what he needs to explain. Why did he feel it was okay to lie by omission. What was his plan? Does he regularly lie about other things? Is lying by omission acceptable to him? Does he tell lies at work/to family etc? Why did he spend the way he did? There’s lots to unpick once you have analysed the bank statements.

GoodChat · 27/05/2023 06:41

Can you review his bank statement?

Gettingbysomehow · 27/05/2023 06:44

My first exH and I split everything 50/50 when we divorced. I went off to buy my own house and as I had a career all was well. I had sole custody of DS. So ex had a £300,000 house and then got an inheritance. He promised DS it would be his inheritance one day.
Within 10 years he had squandered the lot on bad management, stupid investments and God knows what.
He now lives in a rented bedsit.
So it was left to me to raise DS and help him to buy his first house. My house will be his inheritance.
My DS despises his father and thinks he is the most selfish person on earth which he is. I cant get over how he squandered £600k in total with nothing left and guess what none of it was his fault!
This is what your H is doing. LTB.

Lollypop6 · 27/05/2023 06:45

If you can access his bank statements you will have a much clearer idea. Over how long has he spent that amount of money. I would say addiction of some kind. Addicts lie and can’t admit an issue. He needs to start talking. You need to spell out how serious you are and go from there.

Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 06:50

I plan to go through the bank statements shortly

He's normally such a lovely man, really phenomenal and has been the ideal husband so far

Thankfully I have money in my own savings for the children, they will not go without and I work full time but f me we live in a big house, our entire life is here and he's just completely pulled the rug from under me

Turns out there was a £7k credit card bill

For context - he is a high tax band earner so he should not have ever had a £7k credit card bill

He says "stuff" is money spent on tools and boxes, DIY stuff. Yet I've looked in the garage and everything is was

He has an expensive hobby. I haven't been to bed because I've had thoughts of husbands murdering their wives and children while they sleep

I've told him the items are to be sold today. Handed over to his dealer to sell them for him. I don't want them in my house while he's clearly lost his mind

OP posts:
PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 27/05/2023 06:54

What a shit. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and to your kids.

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