Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

Could it be something like crypto/bad investments? Is he the type to get greedy and act stupid with money? Sadly you won’t get anywhere until he is completely honest with you about where this has gone.

Yep divorce. For the deceit and the reckless attitude to your family's future.

But play it carefully / get him off the accounts, get the bank statements, get the credit check all done. Then kick him in the balls for a week.

Of course he fucking knows where it's gone.

Agree with this.

You are allowed to be angry and devastated. What he has done is unforgivable.

However it's far too much money - there is something he's hiding

I agree that he knows where it’s gone. Start digging.

JFC. How could you not notice until now?! He’s definitely doing something dodgy online. Gambling? Porn stuff?

He is either shagging, snorting or gambling with it.

He needs to show where it went asap.

Leave him regardless, but he needs to show where it went so you know whether you need an sti test or to help guide any kids through having an addict for a parent.

OP, before you kick his sorry arse to the kerb, you need to remain calm and figure out how you did not know this was happening over 18 months. You said you asked him to transfer 15K, which means he has control over savings but not you?

Is it a joint account or in his sole name? If you don't even know what is in the account, are you even in a position to stop his access or even know what is the balance that is left?

You need to regain control and visibility over the balance of your savings.

Most can pretty much go to the supermarket spend £50 and say there's nothing to show for it, but it'll all be there in front of you.

To admit to you he's spent 37k and totally not known on what is royally taking the absolute piss.

Do you have access to the account, I'd look at bank statements to see if it throws up anything.
But guaranteed he knows exactly where its gone down to the last penny.

He knows exactly where that money is gone. He has had to draw it out FFS. Is it in his name only, is that why you did not notice? He's stolen the start you wanted to give your DC for uni or house deposits. I know I could never forgive or trust him again. I'd guess either bitcoin investing, gambling, porn, OW or OC you don't know about, drugs or he is being blackmailed. I'd demand the bank statements so you can see where it's gone. My first DH and I had a successful business. DH had an affair and took money from business to buy OW expensive jewellery and meals in very expensive restaurants and when he was away on business no longer a Travel Inn but very expensive country hotels/spa and with OW. I did not find out for about 7 months. I was so angry with him. I divorced him. I picked much better the second time I married. Older and wiser.

Is this true, that the police would not do anything? My first thought was to report it as theft or fraud, and to look at whether a criminal charge could be brought, or a civil case to sue. (I don’t know the law so am happy to be put right.)

£45,000 in 18 months is £2,500 a month. What has he done with that ? You must have noticed.

Agree with others that he obviously does know where it’s gone and he isn’t telling you because it’s indefensible. Most likely drugs, women or some form of gambling, but possibly something else that’s become a habit in some way. It doesn’t really matter. You should get an STI test just in case. You should check your own credit score and that any other assets are still financially secure. And take steps to secure the assets you still have. Your husband has shown that he will sell out your DCs’ future for his present, so you need to find a way to secure what you can of joint assets that still remain.

In general I’d say this is probably something to divorce over. In your case, since he is clearly still lying about what’s been going on it is the only sensible route forward.

No, the police won't touch it. If it's a joint account, either party has joint access to funds and equal liability to debt.

It's financial infidelity.
Does he have a gambling problems?

Remove all his access to the money until something is resolved.

2.5k a month. Ask to see receipts, online purchases, bank statements. It would likely be the end of things for me

Oh god, I think I'd drown him in his own blood op.
He obviously does know where it's gone, at least the majority, he hasn't been treating himself to too many meal deals and Starbucks at that amount.

It doesn't really matter what it went on it would divorce 100% but I would still need to know.
Get statements, check your own credit rating, mortgage and any other potential investments he may have funnelled it into.
Get an STI check, it will give you some peace of mind or answers at least.

Could you hire someone to do some investigating? There are people that provide services, if he won't tell you this could be an option.

Not telling me would drive me mad tbh.

You feel however you feel.

However, there is no possible way that he doesn't know what it's gone on.

Focus:

He knows exactly where he has put your money.

YOUR money. Your CHILDREN'S money.

He is lying.

The possibilities:

Prostitutes
Only Fans / chatlines / camgirls
He's being blackmailed
Secret family
Bitcoin
Gambling
Buying property
Investments
Secret and highly expensive fetish
Altruistic charitable donations
Crime

Your (legal) options:

Write it off and let it go, bless him, he does mean well and people do take advantage (my mother's delusions about her late partner) = it will continue.

Sit and stew and wonder but not say anything = it will continue and your peace of mind as well as the family savings will suffer.

Speak up. Cool, calm, businesslike, focussed, repeated, consistent, insistent statement that you require a satisfactory answer with evidence and audit and explanation. And keep doing it in the face of attempts to lie, deny, deflect, gaslight, wriggle and squirm.

Get an accountant involved. And start paying closer attention to your and your children's money.

Oh, he knows where it has gone, but he doesn't want you to know where it has gone. He is, apparently, lying. But I've found it typical that when someone will steal (and sneaking money out of shared finances is stealing, regardless of how the law might interpret it), they will also lie, which is, after all, "stealing the truth."

he knows exactly where it has gone sorry

I’m very sorry this has happened to you . Gambling , porn , escorts, other family or building assets for just himself are likely scenarios . He’s not spent all this money on a few fancy suits or nights out .

Sorry..

He has lifted money from Premium Bonds. But it was always earmarked for the children

I'm devastated

He doesn't drink, smoke or so drugs

Says it's just gone on "stuff"

Getting fuck all out of him. I'm distraught

do you have access to the bond accounts/joint accounts? are you able to see any info, transactions etc yourself?

Get your poker face on. Tell him if he doesn't come clean you'll file for divorce and get a forensic accountant in the case. Bluff him.