Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

@GiveupHQ i don’t think I really said anything, it was a long time ago. My friends family are on a very different level to mine, council vs wealthy middle classes. I know her parents worked hard and did well for themselves so could indulge and spend their money however they wanted. All their children were grown up and they were getting ready to retire so it’s not as if he was spending the kids uni funds or for me to judge really.

This is terrible to read but by trawling through the paperwork you should get to the truth of where the money has gone. I wouldn't be able to forgive blowing £1k of savings never mind that amount of money, it's the lying & deceit that's the worst part, hiding it from you when he knows full well what he's doing

@lightand would investing in crypto be traceable and proved?

I only ask because my ex has gone through over £600k in three years (that's on top of his salary) and he kept banging on about Unicoin and how it was going to make him a fortune.

My solictor trying to trace it all now.

I suspect you won't be able to account for the whereabouts of most of that money because it's been withdrawn.

Therefore, contact your bank for the locations of money withdrawals and then do some research on the area near the ATM. You may discover some unsavoury things.

I would love to be able to answer you properly, but I only know a little.
In an ideal world he has access and would tell you his passwords.
You need to know what exchange he was using. A few exchanges have even gone bust.
A court may be able to force him to tell?
Sorry I dont have better news or answers.

Unicoin - used to be $94 a coin. Then went to $986 a coin. Then went back down to $94 a coin, in the space of 1 week. As of June 2022 it was $7 a coin. Now $3.

Crypto in general is a big word apparently, a bit like saying "I am investing in fruit". Lots of options.

I feel very sorry for you.
I think the whole crypto thing is a much bigger money loss thing, and for more people, that lots of people realise.

If he is actively removing money from places that takes effort then It's definitely a problem. If it was just ignorantly spending from your spending account then I could see how he could overspend but he has been raiding various sources

@ASeagullNamedDog are you ok?

This can't be all purchases of DIY and hobby stuff, can it? Surely you would have noticed him constantly coming back from the shops with large packages, or regular deliveries of stuff he'd bought online?

If it isn't gambling, it has to be something like child maintenance or even blackmail.

wherever he is paying out, there has to be a trail.

the premium bond money goes into X account -

you look at X account and see what is going out each month. Does it have store names, is it cash (drugs/prostitutes), is it transfers to other accounts?

it doesn't actually need a forensic accountant for any of this. he may have to tell you what the transfers are but the actual numbers in and out should be pretty simple to understand by anyone.

I agree. It can be traced without the need for a fancy forensic accountant, who will just ask for the statements anyway. The statements should show the big amounts going to hobby-type companies and not other types of payments or companies.

The trail goes cold once OP's dh withdraws cash, but the amounts and frequency and where and how they are being withdrawn will also give a clue.

If OP's dh refuses to surrender the statements, then that is (another) red flag for dishonesty and hiding a bigger problem.

I also agree with CabernetSavignon that if it is hobby stuff, there will be to-and-fro and big items to evidence.

How are you doing today, OP?

Hopefully by now you've been able to go over several years worth of bank and credit card statements that will show you where the transactions have gone.

They will also show you cash withdrawals and transfers.

If he hasn't got them or can't find them, he'll just need to pay for them to be sent to him if you can't access it all online.

And if there are massive gaps or huge cash withdrawals he can't or won't explain - that's where the questions are.

It matters because if you’re married to someone and are putting money into a savings account then BOTH should have access to it. There is no way I’d be putting money into an account that I didn’t have access to.

Is the op not coming back?

hope it all turned out ok @ASeagullNamedDog ? X

@ASeagullNamedDog
How are things going?

How are things now op?