Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

I don't think it's automatic divorce proceedings but I'd be so upset. If he genuinely doesn't know where it's gone, it's easy enough to find out. Look at his bank account. If he's been drawing it out in cash, trace where he went on that day. If he's just lying that he doesn't know (and that's got to be more likely), I'd still trace the money in order to pay the divorce lawyer!
I couldn't make a decision on our future until I understood fully what had happened to the money.

I have a friend who got into debt and really struggled to say what much of it had gone on, but it was a much smaller amount over a much longer time, and she tackled the problem when she eventually faced up to it.

But £38k plus money from salary over 18 months? It's gambling or he's leading a double life with another household. I couldn't live with someone so dishonest about this.

Is he the kind of person who would 'invest' in crypto then be too embarrassed to admit he had lost it all?

100% gambling or some other high cost high risk activity e.g. forex trading or a crypto scam

Mty bets are drugs, sex or gambling. I'm a recovering gambling addict & could easily spend £100 a day gambling, it took me getting into £25k of debt for me to seek help. I haven't gambled for 10 years now. You need to tell him you want full transparency with you having full control of all accounts & finances or either he leaves or you do. Definitely check your credit file & make sure he isn't financially connected to you. Get an STI check as well in case he has been paying for sex.

Oh, it’d be automatic divorce for me. Firstly, no trust ever again, which is no way to run a relationship, and secondly, concern over joint liability in the event that loans/remortgages were activated.

Lawyer up and divorce the thieving twat. Un fucking forgivable

If he works in London, lunchtime prostitutes is a big addiction. Lot of men getting caught out on that one.

For any remotely normal expenditure, the money should have come out of the premium bonds and into his bank account. Transactions on his bank account or credit card will then show what was spent.

If he took it out in cash you can be totally certain he has something to hide.

Also I know this isn't much help now but for all our joint money we have joint accounts and full access to bank statements.

I would notice immediately if money was unaccounted for.

DH might not I guess! But only because he generally lets me get on with it, he could if he wanted to.

I would feel really uncomfortable not being able to see our joint money.

Premium bonds have to be in a single persons name - were they in his name? If so why - did the money come from his personal bank account of from a joint account? Can this not be made a police matter if he won't provide and explanation? It's definitely something he can explain - he's obviously avoiding answering your questions because the explanation is something he knows will end your relationship - even if it was crypto, NFT's I reckon he would say so and if it's not drugs - I'd guess it is sex related - it must be something he is virtually ready to die for to stop you knowing the truth. This must be a really shocking thing - for me, I'd terminate my relationship - trust is the single most important thing I have in my relationship - it's the thing that allows me to enjoy my relationship, get through the ups and downs and stay positive about the future.

I wanted to ask why you weren't aware? Not that I would think to blame you, but just to know why you didn't have access to those savings.

Premium bonds. You wouldn't have known because they can only be set up by one person, for that person.

This screams gambling to me sorry. Would I divorce? No, I wouldn't, but I would demand an answer, and I would want to take full control of finance if gambling was the issue.

Sorry you are going through this OP @ASeagullNamedDog

I'd bet (ironically) on gambling.

He will always have been sure he would win it back, put it back and you would never know.

He doesnt want to tell you because then he would have to admit to HIMSELF what he has done and he cant because he doesnt want to face up to the fact that a betting site now has his kids house deposits. Yes I am afraid it is LTB territory.

I have seen what gambling addictions do. A very good friend ended up in prison because he stole a quarter of a million from his employers, always chasing losses. I swear that if you met him and I told you, you would call me a liar to my face, but he did that. There is a reason that the CEO of Bet365 earns herself millions but your kids are 50k down.

I am so sorry.

where's "the stuff".

It will be gambling.

Check your credit report and his.

Can you spend that much on drugs in 18mo and still be alive and functioning? You would have noticed drugs.

This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. So sorry x

Fair enough. I respect your stance.
We're all different and have varying tolerances and tipping points. 🙂

Secret and highly expensive fetish

Look up "financial domination".

I'd add Mistress/OW to that list.

I suspect gambling addiction because only gambling offers the illusory hope of winning the money back. Anything else, he would have utter certainty that he was squandering his.children's savings.

Whatever it is, he will risk the OP leaving him in order not to have to tell her.

OP: I think you already know that your marriage is over. Secure your and your children's remaining assets and start divorce proceedings.

I'm sorry I'm not updating quickly

I'm just so heartbroken

I'd imagine my marriage is over

Time to get angry OP. Start demanding an explanation and tell him it's over if you don't get the truth. His response will tell you which way it's gna go

@ASeagullNamedDog you need to demand his answers so you know what you are dealing with. You have every right to know. If he comes clean, you might be able to solve the situation, if he doesn't, then there is no point in continuing the relationship.

You don't have to update anything. You don't have to make any decisions. This is your marriage and your family. You don't own anyone on here anything.
Give yourself a bit of headspace to work out your next steps.

No need to apologise for anything on this thread.

What's happened to you is no doubt shocking, and I'm sure reading the responses on here, and our presumptions of where this money has gone, is probably overwhelming.

You've received some good advice here but read it in your own time. Just use the thread to vent, chat, rage, organise yourself, seek advice, whatever. The thread will be here for you so don't feel under pressure to respond... you're dealing with enough already x

It's the taking money from the children's investments that indicates a sleazy reason - or an addiction, if you don't want to call that sleazy. It's easy to fritter several thousand a month on things like socialising, trips, clothes, collections, hobbies. But you would know if he was often out for lovely dinners in Madrid or has a growing watch collection, for instance.

Is he self employed? Could he have been propping up a failed business or sunken investment while pretending all was well?

Otherwise, it has to be a secret compulsion. You clearly don't know him all that well, I'm afraid - you've just seen evidence to that effect. My XH would spend £3k a time on strippers/escorts. I was in rehab with heroin users whose spouses had no idea. Dozens of people I knew snorted thousands up their noses every month. All were perfectly civilised, intelligent adults, as was my granddad who had another family in the next county. Gambling and online sex are very common money pits; there's even an apparently popular fetish that revolves entirely around giving money to the 'provider'. I can think of multiple other likelihoods.

But the salient facts are that you're married to someone who keeps an important side of his life from you, who would rather take money from your children than talk openly with you, and who's somehow persuaded you to hand control of the family finances to him with no transparency or communication.

Fix the last thing first. Get the logins to the family accounts and his personal ones. Trace everything. If this isn't something you can bring yourself to do rigorously & forensically, get someone else to do it - an accountant if necessary. Definitely no-one he knows or recommends! There will be other accounts, and this is how you'll start finding them.

I'm very sorry. What an utterly devastating shock.

Can you look at the bank statements to see what's going out? They can be a bit cryptic as to place of purchase but at least would show large purchases. 45k over 18 months is about 3k a month. That's quite a bit to not know where it's gone.

Could he have lost his job and not wanted to tell you? Just trying to think how he would get through so much cash?