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Original poster

To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

268 replies

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:26

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

OP posts:
rwalker · 21/05/2023 11:29

The difficulty is there will always be one last try then another then another

was this ever discussed or presumed kept going till it works

SoloMamabyChoice · 21/05/2023 11:29

Leave and become a solo mum by choice. Search for my AMA if you want x

KippersForBreakfast · 21/05/2023 11:30

I’m so sorry for you @Hop27 but that’s a decision that only you can make.

Are you too old to start again or even go it alone? Would you want to? Are lazy weekends, a pin neat home with light coloured soft furnishings and world travel more appealing than night feeds, nappies and sleep deprivation?

Honestly only you know the answer to this. But it sucks that your husband has a child and is denying you a child if your own.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 11:31

I've been through IVF that didn't work so I empathise with you.

I do think you are being a little unfair in thinking that this only affects you. You absolutely bear the physical brunt but the emotional side of it is brutal too and he gets that as well. Perhaps he cannot go through the trying, waiting and outcome one more time?

Do you have a clear picture on what the problem is and why it might be failing. For me, for example, it was due partly to poor egg quality. So we tried a few times with the best quality eggs they has extracted but then it seemed pointless to continue because there were only poorer quality eggs remaining (I had a lot extracted at once)

So at that point I had the option to look at donor eggs but chose not to go for it.

But do you have other options, like a sperms domor or an egg donor? Is there anything to suggest that if you tried it alone with a sperms donor or in another relationship it would have more chance of success.

BonnieGlasses · 21/05/2023 11:32

SoloMamabyChoice · 21/05/2023 11:29

Leave and become a solo mum by choice. Search for my AMA if you want x

This is only an option if the IVF is successful and the odds are, sadly, against that.

beeskipa · 21/05/2023 11:32

Ahhh, I'm sorry. You don't have to accept a childless life, you can leave and try alone as a PP said, or try and meet someone else. That would absolutely be understandable.

But I don't blame him for not wanting to keep going. IVF is gruelling - I know the physical brunt is solely on you, but emotionally it's exhausting for everyone. With multiple failed rounds, I can see him wanting to accept the life you have now and enjoy that. It's not his or your fault that you don't want to do the same - just a sad fact of life :(

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2023 11:33

Bluntly yes. You cannot force him to keep trying. Whether he initially wanted to wait or was deflecting saying no isn't the issue. You have tried he no longer wants to. You now need to decide is what you have with him worth risking to try for something you want but may not achieve

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/05/2023 11:33

How old are you?

Incredibly selfish of him to deny you a child when he has one. I don't think I could love someone like that.

I'd leave and be a single mum by choice personally.

beeskipa · 21/05/2023 11:34

KippersForBreakfast · 21/05/2023 11:30

I’m so sorry for you @Hop27 but that’s a decision that only you can make.

Are you too old to start again or even go it alone? Would you want to? Are lazy weekends, a pin neat home with light coloured soft furnishings and world travel more appealing than night feeds, nappies and sleep deprivation?

Honestly only you know the answer to this. But it sucks that your husband has a child and is denying you a child if your own.

I hate this narrative that men are the gatekeepers, 'denying' women something they want or benevolently doling out children. He has every single right to not want to continue with IVF, he has every right to say "We tried and it hasn't worked and I no longer want to try". Yes, it sucks, but not because he's a big meanie who won't just do what OP wants. Because his completely valid feelings about the stress and expense and timing of IVF have changed and OP's haven't.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 21/05/2023 11:35

How old are you? He doesn't get to dictate if you have a child or not. If you want one, plan to have one without him

TeenLifeMum · 21/05/2023 11:38

Having seen friends go through ivf it is definitely something that takes over your life and affects both the man and the woman in the couple. He’s not said no, he’s just said we’ve tried twice and it hasn’t worked so I don’t want to carry on with the hope and disappointment. I don’t think he’s trying to be unfair even though I understand it may feel it. Only you know if you can stay in the relationship and move on.

tigger2022 · 21/05/2023 11:38

That’s hard ☹️ I think you need to decide what’s more important, the relationship or the chance at having children. Bearing in mind there are no guarantees with fertility treatment. I became a SMBC and have no regrets, but then I was coming from relationships I should have ended anyway.

SoloMamabyChoice · 21/05/2023 11:38

BonnieGlasses · 21/05/2023 11:32

This is only an option if the IVF is successful and the odds are, sadly, against that.

Show quote history

It at be a male factor issue rather than any issues with her fertility…

Treesoutsidemywindow · 21/05/2023 11:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, he's obviously already got a child, so maybe having another with you, isn't nearly as important to him as it is to you, and is actually quite selfish if that's the case. However, only you can decide whether a baby is more important to you than your relationship.

Phos · 21/05/2023 11:40

SoloMamabyChoice · 21/05/2023 11:38

It at be a male factor issue rather than any issues with her fertility…

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He’s already got a child. Unlikely.

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 11:42

Give him an ultimatum. One last IVF try or the relationships over.

RampantIvy · 21/05/2023 11:43

Incredibly selfish of him to deny you a child when he has one. I don't think I could love someone like that.

I completely disagree. The OP has had several rounds of IVF and he has decided he has had enough.

I agree with @beeskipa's point of view.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/05/2023 11:43

If you truly want a child then I’d leave yes.

tweener · 21/05/2023 11:45

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 11:42

Give him an ultimatum. One last IVF try or the relationships over.

This is horrendous

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 11:45

I wonder if the posters calling the DH selfish, and denying the OP a baby have actually been through IVF?

It's valid for either person to want to stop for whatever reason. Its a hellish process and tbh it felt to me like it got worse the more times we went through it.

It's not selfish to want to get off the emotional roller coaster. and he may also be reacting to the toll its taken on the OP too, we aren't there to see how its impacting her and he is.

Reugny · 21/05/2023 11:46

Phos · 21/05/2023 11:40

He’s already got a child. Unlikely.

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Btw that's not true.

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 11:46

tweener · 21/05/2023 11:45

This is horrendous

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What is? OPs considering leaving anyway.

georgarina · 21/05/2023 11:46

I am a single parent by choice and know lots of others. It's an option to try if you want to x

Gtsr443 · 21/05/2023 11:47

Leave. I did. Our relationship was built on the agreement that we would have children. When he broke that agreement I left him.
You can't force him into another go if he has changed his mind. But if you stay it will always be an issue and you will feel nothing but resentment towards him.

RampantIvy · 21/05/2023 11:47

Well said @Usetherightgearforthehill