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Original poster

To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

268 replies

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:26

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 12:06

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:01

I'll repeat - OP is already considering leaving. In this case she'll have to explain she wants one more round of IVF or will leave to pursue it herself...

Because that's the truth of the situation. So jog on with your theatrics.

Show quote history

It’s not a very mature way to run a relationship though is it?

The OP can certainly ask him, and perhaps he will agree. If he doesn’t, she can certainly leave. But at 42, with several failed attempts, the odds are very much not in her favour.

So the chances are that if she leaves she will have lost her partner and still not be a mother.

That’s of course her choice, but encouraging her to an issue an ultimatum isn’t kind or wise.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/05/2023 12:06

No it wouldn't be unreasonable if it was 3 times. He has every right to say no more for him, it's not unreasonable to do so.

Sorry yes, I agree either party has the right to say stop at any point. What I was trying to say was that it would be reasonable for the OP to have trouble accepting that decision, given the circumstances.

KimberleyClark · 21/05/2023 12:09

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 11:31

I've been through IVF that didn't work so I empathise with you.

I do think you are being a little unfair in thinking that this only affects you. You absolutely bear the physical brunt but the emotional side of it is brutal too and he gets that as well. Perhaps he cannot go through the trying, waiting and outcome one more time?

Do you have a clear picture on what the problem is and why it might be failing. For me, for example, it was due partly to poor egg quality. So we tried a few times with the best quality eggs they has extracted but then it seemed pointless to continue because there were only poorer quality eggs remaining (I had a lot extracted at once)

So at that point I had the option to look at donor eggs but chose not to go for it.

But do you have other options, like a sperms domor or an egg donor? Is there anything to suggest that if you tried it alone with a sperms donor or in another relationship it would have more chance of success.

I agree with this as someone who also had IVF unsuccessfully.

HipHipWhoRay · 21/05/2023 12:09

@Hop27 would you consider donor eggs? The chance of a more successful round is so much higher than with your own. It might take some of the psychological stress out of IVF, although you have to get you head around DE. Counselling might help both of you work out what your priorities are

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 12:10

Like with any relationship, if one person wants to try for a child and the other doesn't, the couple shouldn't try for a child. Regardless of the reason it method
Everyone should be entitled to say "no".

If having a child is more important to you than being with your husband, leave him. You both deserve a chance at happiness and it'll be a shit life if he lives as your consolation prize.

Quveas · 21/05/2023 12:11

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 11:42

Give him an ultimatum. One last IVF try or the relationships over.

Do that and your relationship is over anyway. In his shoes I would walk the minute someone tried to force me to do something I didn't want to. If it was a man forcing a woman to conceive, would that also be ok?

OP, you have to decide whether your wish for a child outweighs your feelings for him and the 16 years. If it does then you must end the relationship now and move on - which may or may not result in your having a child with someone else or on your own. But he isn't denying you havinga child, as some here have suggested. One way or another it is nature that is denying you a child, he has tried IVF to overcome whatever the issues are, and that hasn't worked. But he has tried and doesn't feel he can carry on trying. You frame this as being about money and "one last try". But you will never accept a "last try" - there will always be a reason to want to carry on and carry on. And since you can afford it, there will always be someone to take your money.

You know that failed IVF takes an emotional toll on both of you, but especially on you because it is so obvious that you desperately want a child. But that hasn't happened and I suspect that he can't bear your continued hopes and disappointments. Someone has to call a halt to trying after mutiple faliures, and I think he's actually brave to say that he feels it's time to stop.

BrokenWing · 21/05/2023 12:11

Only you can decide if you can work out how to accept it or end the relationship and try elsewhere for the very slim chance of a successful outcome, or the relationship may fail anyway because of misplaced resentment.

YANBU to feel devastated and I am so sorry IVF has not worked for you, but he is also NBU to want come to terms with it being unlikely to work next time, accept it and begin living again.

ejbaxa · 21/05/2023 12:11

He wanted to wait for milestones? Nonsensical if you are 42. Is it possible that he waited in the hope pregnancy wouldn't happen?

Also, is dss's mum really chaotic? Or is that a convenient narrative? Your husband presumably had a one night stand and didn't use a condom - that is pretty chaotic behaviour IMO.

I'd get out of there and become a mum on your own, if you are certain that you want a child.

MaPaSpa · 21/05/2023 12:11

I mean 4 tries and being 42 I can understand why he’s said he doesn’t want to anymore.

im so sorry op. I agree with others I think you need to talk to someone to offload. You have a lot of blame for him.

but infertility or fertility isn’t anyone’s fault, best of luck.

billy1966 · 21/05/2023 12:11

So since you were 26 you have been with him and have put off having children all those years?

I feel very very sorry for your decision making to this point.

It is unfortunately unlikely you will have children and he clearly never wanted them to leave it so late.

So you have reared his child while he denied you one of your own.

Very sad for you, but you chose to accept this and will likely have to live with it.

I feel very sorry for you.

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 12:12

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:57

I'm 42.

Your chances are very slim in this case anyway. I explored IVF at age 42 and so know the stats on this. Your husband has gone through multiple rounds of it and no, I can’t believe it would have been as hard on him as it has been on you, but that does not mean it is nothing and he is entitled to say enough. That is not him denying you a child, I think posters saying this are ludicrous, if it weren’t for biology you would have a child by now.

I m not really clear either way if you are otherwise happy in your relationship or if you love each other. If so, you need to consider if you are going to throw this away on the ever diminishing chance of having a baby either on your own or with somebody else.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 12:12

Im not in the same situation but we have a 6 year old DS and I had been wanting a second since he was 1. DH was very against it at the time. Now we've finally started trying again and now DG has some medical issues which are preventing this from happening.

It's very hard to accept that we might not get our second child, but I wouldn't change our family for anything in the world.

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:13

Would you consider adoption or fostering? The odds are another round would not work either, if he really does have a child already (have you DNA proof of that)? I can understand why he might not want to go on but I also wonder what you have been told about his fertility.

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:13

Quveas · 21/05/2023 12:11

Do that and your relationship is over anyway. In his shoes I would walk the minute someone tried to force me to do something I didn't want to. If it was a man forcing a woman to conceive, would that also be ok?

OP, you have to decide whether your wish for a child outweighs your feelings for him and the 16 years. If it does then you must end the relationship now and move on - which may or may not result in your having a child with someone else or on your own. But he isn't denying you havinga child, as some here have suggested. One way or another it is nature that is denying you a child, he has tried IVF to overcome whatever the issues are, and that hasn't worked. But he has tried and doesn't feel he can carry on trying. You frame this as being about money and "one last try". But you will never accept a "last try" - there will always be a reason to want to carry on and carry on. And since you can afford it, there will always be someone to take your money.

You know that failed IVF takes an emotional toll on both of you, but especially on you because it is so obvious that you desperately want a child. But that hasn't happened and I suspect that he can't bear your continued hopes and disappointments. Someone has to call a halt to trying after mutiple faliures, and I think he's actually brave to say that he feels it's time to stop.

Show quote history

Do that and your relationship is over anyway.
That's the point mate. If she was going to leave anyway the best option is to put your cards on the table and be upfront. Being upfront and honest about the situation isn't 'forcing' anyone to anything.

KimberleyClark · 21/05/2023 12:14

tweener · 21/05/2023 11:45

This is horrendous

Show quote history

Yes it’s emotional blackmail.

MaPaSpa · 21/05/2023 12:15

ejbaxa · 21/05/2023 12:11

He wanted to wait for milestones? Nonsensical if you are 42. Is it possible that he waited in the hope pregnancy wouldn't happen?

Also, is dss's mum really chaotic? Or is that a convenient narrative? Your husband presumably had a one night stand and didn't use a condom - that is pretty chaotic behaviour IMO.

I'd get out of there and become a mum on your own, if you are certain that you want a child.

But why would he try ivf 4 times if he had some nefarious reasons that doesnt add up really.

it can’t continue forever eventually you have to stop and accept the outcomes

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 21/05/2023 12:16

Just seen your age, I think sadly at 42 it'd be pretty pointless to lose your marriage trying to chase this, the chances are slim with or without your husband. You'd be unlikely to be able to have an own egg baby anyway so you'd be a single mum to a baby with no genetic link to you and no dad for the baby. It isn't really fair to the baby in these circumstances, even if you were fortunate enough to have one.

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 12:16

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:13

Would you consider adoption or fostering? The odds are another round would not work either, if he really does have a child already (have you DNA proof of that)? I can understand why he might not want to go on but I also wonder what you have been told about his fertility.

Please can I give you some life advice. Keep your unsolicited comments about adoption or fostering to yourself when you read a thread from a 42 year old woman struggling with IVF and perhaps coming to terns with not being a mother. Thank you.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:17

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:13

Do that and your relationship is over anyway.
That's the point mate. If she was going to leave anyway the best option is to put your cards on the table and be upfront. Being upfront and honest about the situation isn't 'forcing' anyone to anything.

Show quote history

If she is going to leave anyway the best option is to leave not emtionally blackmail her partner

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:17

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 12:16

Please can I give you some life advice. Keep your unsolicited comments about adoption or fostering to yourself when you read a thread from a 42 year old woman struggling with IVF and perhaps coming to terns with not being a mother. Thank you.

Show quote history

Thank you!!!

HairyKitty · 21/05/2023 12:18

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 12:05

We've done 4 cycles

@Hop27 4 fresh cycles? Because that’s what counts. What are the probability statistics for your age and diagnosis at your clinic? Have you already tried the optional extras that increase success rates? At what stage are the cycles failing?
I completely understand why you are devastated, I think he is being unreasonable if he agreed to ivf, you can afford it, and you haven’t succeeded yet.
If you were single would you continue to try at this stage? How many more cycles would you try and if what type?

Wristfolds · 21/05/2023 12:18

Oh OP this is such a toughie. There’s no best case scenario but you can figure out the ‘least worst’.

Your DH can’t tell you whether or not you can try for a baby, but he has every right to tell you if you can try for a baby with him which it seems he has. Only you can decide if you’d rather stay or try alone. Have you had counselling? I’ve had friends going through IVF who have been offered counselling as couples to handle the stress and individually to consider that they might not be parents.

I feel for you though because as a step parent you have neither the freedom and disposable income of a child free couple nor the entire experience of parental responsibility (in its legal definition- of course you might have a really fulfilling relationship with DSS) I hope your DH recognises this at least when you speak about it.

Sissynova · 21/05/2023 12:18

You will probably feel the same after another cycle though so the can is just pushed further down the road.
He isn’t wrong to not want to do a 5th cycle.
It’s not fair to claim he isn’t really affected so should just go with what you want.
You aren’t wrong for wanting another one but you are perhaps unrealistic.

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:18

@Aprilx There is more than one way to be a mother and sometimes you have to come to terms with not having biological children. That doesnt always have to mean not being a mother.

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:19

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:17

If she is going to leave anyway the best option is to leave not emtionally blackmail her partner

Show quote history

It's not emotional blackmail, sensitive sally.

This whole thread is about how the OP "can't accept that he won't give it one last try" and is considering leaving because her partner won't try one more IVF attempt.

I'm saying if she chooses the path to leave then she should explain this in plain wording to him.