To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

[Hop27]

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

So you got together when you were 26. When did he agree to start ttc? Don't answer if you don't want to

I would have to leave. Both my children are ivf conceived, and it was gruelling, so I understand that. If he delayed things, that obviously impacts the outcome. I would never forgive him for pissing my fertility up against the wall and then deciding to stop with ivf.

I appreciate others might feel differently, but I know if my DP had done this, I would prefer to be alone and ttc than to stay with someone I burned with resentment for and I know I would burn with resentment so deeply I would end up despising him. I just was desperate to be a mother and could not handle that at all.

I’m not sure there is a right vs wrong here. He has a right to his feelings and you have every right to yours. I think it all comes down to whether your love for your husband is greater than your desire for a child. None of us can answer that question, only you can. You aren’t wrong to leave him, if the truth is that you feel the latter. If you really don’t want to be with him anymore and you are only staying for the possibility of having a baby- leave and try with a speed donor.

I would say, though, that perhaps understanding why he has said no more ivf might be helpful in coming to terms with it all. For instance, a pp had stated that your mental health isn’t in a great place right now- maybe he is really concerned that another round will just make this worse? And/or he feels that there is such a small chance of success that the impact that IVF is having on you both is not worth continuing to try. Or maybe he is concerned there will never be a “last go”- there will always be the desire for “just once more” just in case it works this time, so someone has to make the call to put an end on it.

I have no idea what your DH’s reasoning for delay in ttc was (maybe these were reasonable, maybe they weren’t)- but you did agree, so it’s not all down to him. Sometimes it is easier to apportion blame and ascribe nefarious intent to previous actions when we are in pain, than deal with the reality of the situation as it is. It seems unlikely your DH has just been secretly plotting for the last 16 years to prevent you having a baby- much more likely he didn’t feel you were in the right situation- financially, career, relationship stability etc- to have another child (and already having one in less than ideal circumstances may have made him more determined that the next child be more fortunate, for example). And when you both agreed to proceed, you have come across problems. Of course, as now find yourself in a very difficult situation it is easy to look back in hindsight with “buts” and “what ifs”.

I agree issuing threats/ultimatums aren’t helpful in a relationship- likely to destabilise a relationship which is already a bit rocky, by the sounds of things. Leaving a relationship which is making you unhappy is a different thing altogether. Issues ultimatums doesn’t seem healthy or fair.

I agree with a previous poster- counselling may help you work out the best route forward. You are holding resentment- he wanted to delay ttc and if he hadn’t the situation would be different (maybe, but definitely), he is denying you a baby etc. Those feelings need to be resolved one way or another- they will eat away at you and damage your relationship if not addressed. Perhaps after counselling you will want to leave, but hopefully that decision will be coming from a place of certainty and strength- not anger and desperation. Or maybe you will determine the opposite.

I would also advise against staying with him solely because ivf is unlikely to work as some sort of consolation “better to have him than nothing”- you both deserve better than that. If you love him, stay and build a life worth having together. If you don’t, leave and build the life you want- whether that includes continuing ivf alone is up to you.

How "massive" was your diazepam dose, are you OK?

He already had a child from a broken down relationship. It’s entirely valid for him to not have wanted to try for another one when he didn’t have basic milestones met, like developing his career so he could afford a home for 2 children, could financially support another child etc.
The people saying it’s selfish that he didn’t want have a baby with the OP immediately are being ridiculous. It sounds like OP knew he wanted to wait until various things had been accomplished before he thought about another child and it was her choice to wait for that.

I really don’t think it’s remotely fair to say he dangled the carrot and then withdrew it when they’ve gone through 4 rounds of IVF.

Only on MN could people call a husband selfish for not wishing to continue something as soul destroying as IVF can be, but see not issue on deciding to be a single mum from conception which is a wholly selfish act however you look at it. Who else is that for if not themselves? It's not for the child's benefit, it's solely to be a mum.
What you actually need to decide OP is how much do you value your husband, is losing your marriage and love for each other worth it? I'm not saying it is or it isn't, only you know that. Is it a case of you want a child and any one will do, or do you want a child with your husband specifically? Because those are two different things.

You are allowed to be hurt, upset, disappointed etc. But you can't force someone to do what you want, and you can't say whether it's been hard on him or not and your disregard for what he's dealt with alongside you is quite sad.
Give it time, maybe things will change.

You've been together since you were 26 so there's a lot to unpack here.

Do you know or have any idea what's causing the unfertility? Is it are related or would the outcome most likely have been the same regardless of when you started trying, or do you think he purposely ran dow the clock before you started trying because they are two very different situations.

I cannot have children. Multiple issues which mean that even in the unlikely even I conceived, the likelihood of child making it full term is so very low.

I struggled with it, went through all the classic reactions from denial, upset, grief, failure, anger but finally acceptance.

I went to counselling (reluctantly) because I couldn't seem to shake of my anger at the unfairness of it all.

It really helped me massively in the space of a month. I wish I had done it years earlier. I recommend you do it too because there's so much to process in a situation like this that it's very difficult deal with it on your own. It will eat away at you otherwise.

It won't always feel as devastating as it does now, regardless of which path you choose.

I’m a SMBC it’s no more selfish than any other decision to try and become a parent

Sorry wrong thread

I’m so, so sorry OP

I find this extremely offensive. No reason to think that the child wouldn't be very loved and very lucky. People create their families in all sorts of ways. T

Posted prematurely. There is no one 'correct' formula.

Exactly @PP82

Sorry, but I do not understand this. Presumably you marry someone because you love them completely and want to share your life with them. Are you saying you love a hypothetical child more than the man you have chosen? If so leave the poor chap to find someone who loves him unconditionally and you find a sperm donor.

I really don’t think it’s remotely fair to say he dangled the carrot and then withdrew it when they’ve gone through 4 rounds of IVF.

@Sissynova I'm not saying that this is what OP's husband has definitely done - only that in her shoes I would be feeling as if he had.

It's not just linked to not being willing to go through another round of IVF - it's the complicating factors of having literally spent her prime fertile years with a man who wanted to delay because of "milestones". I have no idea whether or not this was a reasonable position, but our feelings don't always follow what is (or is not) reasonable.

I suppose what I am saying is that I'm not necessarily criticising the OP's husband - whether he was reasonable or not to want to wait doesn't really matter now. What I have tried to do is put a voice to what the OP may be feeling - I could be wrong.

Did you read the original thread?
they’ve been together 16 years and he put off having kids to hit certain ‘milestones’… presumably career ones…

@tigger2022 respectfully, yes it is. Choosing to miss out the other parent entirely is not comparable to someone who's relationship did not work out for reasons outwith their control. It's playing God in its purest form. Your choice by all means but 100% selfish.

I agree with this. It might be the case that her DH was dangling a carrot, stringing her along. But that is a pretty long-term- over a decade- strategy. I’m sure it happens, but I’m not sure it’s always that straightforward. It might be a combination of it being less of a priority for one partner but who would have a child in the right circumstances, whilst they would be ok if it didn’t happen, so wants to wait until things are “right”- it might seem like being strung along, when that wasn’t the intent at all.

I would also say that OP still had agency over it all- she knew about these goals and agreed to wait. She didn’t have to stay, she could have decided after 4-5 years, say, that enough was enough and said she wasn’t pre to wait and ended the relationship if they couldn’t agree a way forward in a suitable timescale. Or if he agreed a timescale and then reneged on it, she should have acted accordingly. There is joint responsibility here and her DH cannot carry it all, in my opinion- these things are solely “done to” someone in a relationship. You chose to continue in the relationship, knowing this is things stand, then you have equal responsibility for the outcome.

I’d also point out that it is also possible, surly, that having had one child as a result of a ONS and what sounds like a less than harmonious relationship with his child’s mother that this wanted to ensure more stable circumstances for another child? Additionally, he may also have wanted to ensure he could continue to provide for both his existing child and another before proceeding? E.g. he wanted to be in a financial position to provide adequately for both children, so that his existing child was not negatively impacted by his choice to have another child. I’d say that this was the right thing to do, if so. Again, if op did not agree with this stance or the parameters he set (e.g. she thought they could manage financially and he was using this as an excuse) then she should have done something about it- and left if a suitable compromise could not be found.

I am not sure occupying victimhood territory of “it’s all the man’s fault” is going to help anyone.

Apportioning blame for the current situation when we do not know op, her dh, and their intent, is not helpful.

Blame and regrets will kill a relationship and I don't think OP needs added to her current distress right now.

I’m sure me and DS will survive without your approval, I’ve survived a lot worse!

My friend got pregnant naturally at 44 after failed IVF

As pp have said your chances of conceiving with your own eggs are low. However your chances of conceiving with donor eggs are very very high. This will take time to come to terms with, but you will of course still be a mother, and it's worth thinking about (whether you stay with DH or not). You may have a family member who is willing to donate eggs so there's a genetic link, or you may not, but either way, you can experience pregnancy and motherhood. If you are willing to do this, and DH will still be the Dad, then his views on trying again may be different, because your chances of success are very different.

Having read @Quveas post I googled adenomyosis and found this in a pubmed article

Recent studies show that adenomyosis negatively affects in vitro fertilisation, pregnancy and the live birth rate, as well as increases the risk of miscarriage. In addition, adenomyosis enhances the risk of obstetric complications, such as premature birth and preterm rupture of the amniotic membranes

So I'm not surprised the OP's OH wants to call it a day for IVF. It sounds very risky.

This puts a completely different slant on the OP's first post.

I think the OH is being completely reasonable to say "no more".

I'm so sorry, what a heartbreaking situation. Is he open to surrogacy/adoption or just wanting to give up altogether? I appreciate the yearning to have your own biological child that you carry yourself, but given the slim odds of that now perhaps looking into other options could be a good plan. I know other couples where the heartbreak of repeated failed IVF attempts has ended their relationships so I think if you did decide to go it alone you wouldn't be the first. But perhaps worth considering how you'd feel if you left him to keep trying and ended up without him or a baby. That's the worst case scenario obviously but you should be prepared for that.