To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

[Hop27]

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

Then she's honest and leaves explaining that having a child is something she can't give up on. Not emotionally blackmailing someone who's said he doesn't want to try again.

Blackmailing someone into going through another round of IVF or their relationship is over is horrific I cant believe you cant see that

If the OP is considering leaving she needs to leave, not blackmail her partner.

I think it depends on how many cycles you've tried, how old you are and the reason if any for the inability to conceive naturally.

If you're 45 and done 10 cycles with no success, then I'd understand why he wants to stop.

We're saying the same thing with different wording. OP can explain she wants one more IVF try or will leave to pursue it herself.

Mumsnet is a strange world. They have tried several times and it’s not worked. He doesn’t want to try again which, considering the emotional cost and putting their lives potentially on hold, is valid. But he’s selfish and she should leave and have the child she wants as if it’s that simple. If it was that simple, they would have a child.
I am really sorry for them both but it’s not as simple as him denying her a child.

Not quite sure why your dh gets all the sympathy here. I have been through ivf and the woman suffers the brunt. Anything the male experiences is minimal indeed incomparison, so yes he is definitely selfish.

He isn’t dictating it and you don’t ‘get to’ change the narrative of their lives. He’s given it multiple chances and it hasn’t worked. Biology is dictating this, not the OP’s partner.

No, we aren't saying the same thing at all. You're expecting the OP to give her husband an ultimatum, one more round or she leaves him. I'm suggesting he's already said he doesn't want to do it again, so she just leaves. Whatever way you spin it, your way blackmails him into doing it again which is not what he wants.

Are you getting any counselling OP? It sounds like you need someone to talk all this through with, not even to make any decisions but just to unpack your feelings which are of course complicated and emotions. It sounds like you're coming to blame him a lot - for wanting to achieve milestones, for a suspected hidden agenda with the chaotic mum, for not keeping going with the IVF. This makes him a target for your pain, which is understandable but not necessarily fair and it doesn't sound helpful or healthy as a path for your thinking to go down, in terms of resolving this situation either with or without him. It's easier to blame him than to both take responsibility for relationship decisions and find a way through the blows that fate is dealing you.

I don't think he's BU not to keep trying. You don't say how old he is, but everyone has their breaking point and of course it's different for him having a DC already, that's inescapable. But you also aren't BU feeling as you do about his decision. Neither of you is wrong, but the positions are incompatible and if you want to stay together, it's sadly you who would have to accept his stance, for all the reasons reiterated on every thread about the partner who doesn't want another child having the last word.

I don't know if leaving and doing the IVF alone is even an option, assuming that the fertility issues are not on his side, though it could be that you would have more luck and at least more agency without him so would feel like you'd tried. There is no easy way through this unfortunately. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get help IRL.

💐 sounds so difficult for everyone 😔

He's not denying her a child. They've been trying and he's said he can't do more IVF. He's doing nothing wrong by stating that. If she wants to try for a child, she can leave. But the odds aren't in her favour.

That sounds very hard.

The problem with IVF is it can go on and on - and destroy you in the process.

You need to talk, perhaps via a counsellor, to understand how you both feel. The impact on him may be pretty enormous, and it sounds like you have feelings about have left trying until later to process. That way you can also talk about other options like adoption, if you might both be open to that.

Leaving is unlikely to solve the problem of you not having a biological child. If it isn’t working for the two of you, it’s not likely to work for you.

I'm 42.

There's so many variables though. Have they had 10 ivf cycles, or 3? How old is the OP? Some couples just aren't biologically compatible - there's enough stories of infertility conquered with a new partner to show that. Either OP accepts that she can't have a baby with this man, or she tries on her own without him, and maybe ends up without him or a baby.

We tried IVF a couple of times and failed dismally. They did a blood test afterwards which basically said it would be very unlikely to ever work (can't remember the name but it was 15 years ago ).

So, we decided not to try again. It's so hard to make that decision but actually for me, having made it, I was able to move on. However, the big thing was that we both felt the same. The process is so tough and it was a huge sense of relief when we were able to walk away

At 42 I think you're only real chance is with a donor egg.

This is nonsense. The OP is getting sympathy, as she should. IVF is also tough on a partner.

However main issue here is that at some point you have to stop IVF or it will destroy the both of you. The fact that the OP’s partner has made the call doesn’t make him selfish or wrong. He has a perfect right to do that. The OP also has a perfect right to continue alone, but the odds are not in her favour.

At 42 OP, I'm so sorry, but a baby might not happen with you on your own. Don't make any rash decisions - it must be insanely difficult + emotional. When did you start trying initially?

I'll repeat - OP is already considering leaving. In this case she'll have to explain she wants one more round of IVF or will leave to pursue it herself...

Because that's the truth of the situation. So jog on with your theatrics.

Apologies if I missed it, but how many cycles have you tried? If you've tried 3 times and he wants to stop, that would be unreasonable. If you've tried 10 times over 5 years, and now you're 5 years older and the risks are increasing, then I wouldn't blame him for saying no more.

At 42 , it’s looking likely that it may not work anyway so really the decision is do you love him and your current life more than the slim possibility of a baby without him .

No it wouldn't be unreasonable if it was 3 times. He has every right to say no more for him, it's not unreasonable to do so.

We've done 4 cycles

If she's having ivf to try to make a baby I don't think leaving her husband will get her a baby either, given he has a child from a one night stand I'd guess the issue with struggling is more likely to do with her than him, although it obviously isn't impossible that he has developed an issue. Encouraging her to leave and be single, she could very well end up single and childless. He has every right to say enough is enough, even if he isn't going through it physically, it will be having a massive impact on him emotionally both the disappointment of it failing and also the massive impact it'll have on his relationship. I guess you have to stop eventually if it doesn't work, he's reached his limit now.

It’s a situation where multiple things can be true. He has an absolute veto over his own reproductive choices, which he is free to deploy as he chooses. However, for the relationship to succeed the best thing to do would have been for him to find compromise instead of taking a unilateral decision on both of your behalves. So by giving an absolute no without discussion, he himself has prioritised his reproductive choices over the success of the relationship. He’s more than entitled to do that, so why shouldn’t you do the same and why would that be “emotional blackmail”? There’s no guarantee of success on your own, but at least you’d have a say in the decision when and if to stop.