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Original poster

To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

268 replies

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:26

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 21/05/2023 12:20

Also, I believe he doesn’t want to try anymore as he isn’t sufficiently invested in the outcome, he has a child already, and for this reason I don’t think he should be insisting his 42yr old unhappy childless partner stops at this stage.

T1Dmama · 21/05/2023 12:20

So he has a child from a previous relationship and you don’t have any??
Is the infertility issue with him or you?

I did IVF with an ex, it’s (like you say) all on the woman… we did two full ICSI rounds and had enough eggs frozen to do two frozen rounds.

Hiw many attempts have you had?

If the issue is with his sperm is using donor out of the question? After me and my ex split we discussed all the IVF & I told him how selfish I thought he was for not allowing us to use donor sperm, (he’d said he’d be happy to adopt but not use donor). I told him I felt it was so odd to prefer to adopt a complete strangers baby who may’ve been conceived in horrible circumstances, might be born with problems because mum took drugs/alcohol throughout pregnancy etc.. and might look for their parents later and buggar off… whereas with a speed donkr no one would ever need to know it wasn’t his sperm, the baby would be half mine and as he loved me surely having half my DNA in a baby was better than neither of ours! Plus he’d be able to see it grow inside me, hear its heartbeat, feel it kick etc… but rather than let his make ego g I’m he’d prefer deny me a baby/pregnancy!

Anyway we split and I married someone else…. He also had issues with a low Sperm count and wouldn’t do IVF at all, I thankfully conceived naturally with the legs in the air method. But it never happened a 2nd time and again he wouldn’t do IVF… I never pushed and was happy with my DD. Wind forward 12 years and he announced he no longer loves me and left…

If your fertility issue is your DH you need to consider…. How will you feel in 10 years if he pisses off, having denied you a child then left you when it was too late for you to have one with someone else.
if the issue is with you, could you afford to do IVF using sperm donor and raise a child as a single mum?

Its really sad he’s denying you the chance to try.

what remain has he given?

Pinkdelight3 · 21/05/2023 12:22

*He wanted to wait for milestones? Nonsensical if you are 42. Is it possible that he waited in the hope pregnancy wouldn't happen?

Also, is dss's mum really chaotic? Or is that a convenient narrative? Your husband presumably had a one night stand and didn't use a condom - that is pretty chaotic behaviour IMO.*

This is what I mean about the line of thinking that blames him being unhelpful. Unless you're trying to hate him so it's easier to leave, then this slant doesn't feel plausible. Relationships and the people in them usually have some nuance. They're not up to something with a decades-long strategy. They're making the best decision they can at each point from their perspective and revisionist thinking that reframes them as nefarious is a reaction to the current hurt rather than a revelation about some truth. OP waited to TTC like her DP did. Which isn't blaming her either. Blame is the only convenient narrative here.

penniesmakeshillingsandshillingsmakepounds · 21/05/2023 12:22

He is done and he has every right to be done. There is huge emotional turmoil every time it does not work. Maybe he is too emotionally drained to do it again only to fail. Maybe his mental health is shot. Maybe he cannot bear to see you so disappointed and crushed when it doesn't happen.

So the bottom line is, if he does not agree to go again you will leave him. That is emotional blackmail and it is wrong.

Wristfolds · 21/05/2023 12:22

@anyolddinosaur as if someone going through multiple rounds of IVF will read a mumsnet post suggesting adoption and think ‘I never thought of that! Silly me!’

Plus a step child may well preclude them from many placements depending on where they live.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/05/2023 12:24

Also, I believe he doesn’t want to try anymore as he isn’t sufficiently invested in the outcome, he has a child already, and for this reason I don’t think he should be insisting his 42yr old unhappy childless partner stops at this stage.

Him having a DC is bound to be a factor but that doesn't make his choice wrong. Do you really think he should father a DC he isn't sufficiently invested in?? As if there aren't enough problems in the world from uninvested fathers.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:25

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:19

It's not emotional blackmail, sensitive sally.

This whole thread is about how the OP "can't accept that he won't give it one last try" and is considering leaving because her partner won't try one more IVF attempt.

I'm saying if she chooses the path to leave then she should explain this in plain wording to him.

Show quote history

No you suggested giving him an ultimatum.

Ultimatums given to control a partners actions are emotional blackmail and coercive.

You can backtrack by saying that you were just telling her to explain in plain language but you actually started with the word ultimatum

That doesn't make me a sensitive sally. but thanks for bringing the insults into a thread where I have been trying to help the OP by explaining my own experiences of failed IVF. Your input by insulting posters is oh so helpful to the OP there....

Aprilx · 21/05/2023 12:25

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:18

@Aprilx There is more than one way to be a mother and sometimes you have to come to terms with not having biological children. That doesnt always have to mean not being a mother.

Unsolicited is the key word here. If OP posts about fostering and adoption, by all means offer your advice. But as she hasn’t, trust me, keep it to yourself.

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:27

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:25

No you suggested giving him an ultimatum.

Ultimatums given to control a partners actions are emotional blackmail and coercive.

You can backtrack by saying that you were just telling her to explain in plain language but you actually started with the word ultimatum

That doesn't make me a sensitive sally. but thanks for bringing the insults into a thread where I have been trying to help the OP by explaining my own experiences of failed IVF. Your input by insulting posters is oh so helpful to the OP there....

Show quote history

I'm not backtracking. I'm explaining exactly what I meant in my first post, which I've explained numerous times since.

Stop quoting my posts with nonsense then and carry on 'helping' the OP.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 21/05/2023 12:27

I think the problem here is one of resentment that he has controlled your fertility not once (which is fair enough after four rounds of gruelling IVF) but twice, by not wanting to have you try for a baby til it was essentially too late and to presumably bring up his child during this time-frame.

Either way, you will need somewhere to put your frustrations and resentment about this, otherwise it could eat away at you (him, counselling).

He might not have done this deliberately though, it sounds like he spent a decade bringing up his own child (as did you). It suited him not to have another baby at that time. It didn't suit you though. This is a hard situation all round now.

Usetherightgearforthehill · 21/05/2023 12:28

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:18

@Aprilx There is more than one way to be a mother and sometimes you have to come to terms with not having biological children. That doesnt always have to mean not being a mother.

And do you actually think that a woman who has been through multiple rounds of IVF won't have already known that they could adopt and wouldn't have already had countless well meaning people suggest it.

Why on earth did you think the OP wouldnt have already considered adoption?

BungleandGeorge · 21/05/2023 12:28

Do you have frozen embryos or are you going back to step one? What happens if this time doesn’t work?

Marblessolveeverything · 21/05/2023 12:28

Unfortunately the odds scientifically are very low on you conceiving. You need to decide follow on trying outside of your relationship or work on acceptance of how your future possibly without children would look like.

The issues on delaying tcc is in my opinion a thing to park and address once you have figured out the above that is the priority.

I've many friends who spent years in the abyss post unsuccessful IVF. I hope whatever the outcome that you find happiness.

BrokenWing · 21/05/2023 12:28

anyolddinosaur · 21/05/2023 12:18

@Aprilx There is more than one way to be a mother and sometimes you have to come to terms with not having biological children. That doesnt always have to mean not being a mother.

Adoption is not a cure for infertility and suggesting it is very inappropriate and hurtful. If you really dont understand why perhaps start another thread to find out and not try to justify yourself or derail ops thread.

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/05/2023 12:29

I'm sorry but without donor eggs, it seems unlikely it will happen. In terms of the relationship, can you forgive the 'milestones' bollocks?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/05/2023 12:30

HairyKitty · 21/05/2023 12:20

Also, I believe he doesn’t want to try anymore as he isn’t sufficiently invested in the outcome, he has a child already, and for this reason I don’t think he should be insisting his 42yr old unhappy childless partner stops at this stage.

He may realise that the chances are incredibly low and doesn't want to keep going through that and spending a large amount of money on something that in all likelihood, won't happen. He's not wrong for feeling like that and he has every right to say he does not want to continue with it.

Wristfolds · 21/05/2023 12:32

Going back to your title OP, no YANBU to be struggling to accept his decision, that’s totally understandable. I think some counselling to process your feelings and consider how you want to reframe your future is the best thing. Plan A and B are off the table and need to be mourned, but you can choose some things about your future.

Quveas · 21/05/2023 12:33

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:13

Do that and your relationship is over anyway.
That's the point mate. If she was going to leave anyway the best option is to put your cards on the table and be upfront. Being upfront and honest about the situation isn't 'forcing' anyone to anything.

Show quote history

An ultimatum is not "being upfront and honest", mate. It is a threat - do this or I will leave you.

OP, sorry but I have looked through some of your previous posts to try to gain some context. As a fellow adenomyosis sufferer, I'm sorry but you must realise that after 4 rounds of IVF, given your age and your medical diagnosis, your chances of conceiving are negligible. Meanwhile you are struggling with the pain (been there, done that - it is horrendous) because you cannot use any of the available approcahes to treatment because you also want to conceive. And you have also acknowledged that your mental health is not good, and all this pressure that you are putting on yourself is not going to help you in conceiving or in addressing your mental health problems. Based on what you have said previously, I am so sorry, but I think your husband is right. It is time to stop, time to consider if other options are acceptable to you both, or accept that your life has other meaning than motherhood. And it would allow you to invest in the time and effort to learn how to be happy with the life that you have. You don't deserve to keep this focus on one thing to make you happy (when it clearly isn't likely to happen) at the expense of learning to have a happy and fulfilled life with so many other blessings. Do remember as well that you will have focussed so much on having a baby to "complete" your life that it may not, even if it did happen, bring what you want with it. Being an older mother / older parents is very hard work, and you need to remember that even if you were now successful your would be at least in your mid-60's before your child is finished education / independant, and that can be very limiting at a time of your life when most people are looking to shed their family responsibilities and get back to doing things for themselves.

MsRosley · 21/05/2023 12:33

I'm very sad for you, OP. I think you should accept that the chances are very high that another round of IVF will also fail. I think you need counselling to come to terms with this, and your anger at why it was left so late to try for a baby. Wishing you all the best.

Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 12:34

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:57

I'm 42.

Very difficult for you both.

On one hand he was the one who delayed and already has a child, he owes it to you to give it his all.

On the other hand I can see the cycle of hope and despair must be soul destroying, plus at 42 maybe he’s worried time has all but run out and it won’t work anyway.

I was going to suggest a break from ttc but at 42 you don’t really have that option, or time to leave and meet someone else.

I would try really hard to persuade him, and agree to another (for instance) 2 rounds and close the door if it hasn’t worked by then.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 12:34

While the woman does bear the brunt of IVF, it's incredibly difficult to see someone you love go through the process and then for it to fail. Maybe he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to go through seeing you in pain and heartbroken again and again.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 21/05/2023 12:36

So how long did you dictate you waited till you started ttc? Till you were 35? 38? 40? Because while yes ivf is hugely emotionally taxing on both people in a relationship, it sounds like he put ttc off long enough that the chances of success were already reduced

Clymene · 21/05/2023 12:38

When did you start trying to conceive (at all)? Because it feels to me that he's deliberately run down the clock on your fertility

snowbellsxox · 21/05/2023 12:38

I would be heartbroken but would probably adopt

Pinkdelight3 · 21/05/2023 12:42

Quveas · 21/05/2023 12:33

An ultimatum is not "being upfront and honest", mate. It is a threat - do this or I will leave you.

OP, sorry but I have looked through some of your previous posts to try to gain some context. As a fellow adenomyosis sufferer, I'm sorry but you must realise that after 4 rounds of IVF, given your age and your medical diagnosis, your chances of conceiving are negligible. Meanwhile you are struggling with the pain (been there, done that - it is horrendous) because you cannot use any of the available approcahes to treatment because you also want to conceive. And you have also acknowledged that your mental health is not good, and all this pressure that you are putting on yourself is not going to help you in conceiving or in addressing your mental health problems. Based on what you have said previously, I am so sorry, but I think your husband is right. It is time to stop, time to consider if other options are acceptable to you both, or accept that your life has other meaning than motherhood. And it would allow you to invest in the time and effort to learn how to be happy with the life that you have. You don't deserve to keep this focus on one thing to make you happy (when it clearly isn't likely to happen) at the expense of learning to have a happy and fulfilled life with so many other blessings. Do remember as well that you will have focussed so much on having a baby to "complete" your life that it may not, even if it did happen, bring what you want with it. Being an older mother / older parents is very hard work, and you need to remember that even if you were now successful your would be at least in your mid-60's before your child is finished education / independant, and that can be very limiting at a time of your life when most people are looking to shed their family responsibilities and get back to doing things for themselves.

Show quote history

I think it's really worth people reading @Quveas post as although there are always issues with searches, it's really vital context that means all the 'leave and have a baby on your own' posts or suggestions to adopt aren't so apt. Whether OP should leave him is a whole other matter and it sounds like she has enough on her plate right now. OP, I really hope you're getting help and not feeling too alone as you struggle to accept this latest blow. Take care of yourself.