To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

[Hop27]

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

i am so sorry op..... hugs

Also none of the “alternatives” people are suggesting are really things you should do only because of infertility. Adoption, fostering, becoming an SMBC (I am a SMBC), etc… those should be something you really want to do & have considered for many years, as no children should grow up being a concession.

There are people getting pregnant at 45 with or without IVF... Personally I know my neighbout and my aunt gave birth at 42/43 (Both first kid)
SO if you can afford it, and you want it, i dont see why being 42 should be the reason to stop. If you do it, there is a chance; If you don't , zero chance. Simple as that. And if your DH doesnt want it anymore, do it yourself.

Honestly the thread's 10 pages long by now - fair enough to expect people to read the OP's posts. But not every single other post, check their posting history etc etc!

If the OP's in a fragile mental state the internet probably isn't going to help..

You really need to read the full thread.

The thread has moved on. The OP has a medical condition that makes the chances of getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy very slim.

Honestly the thread's 10 pages long by now - fair enough to expect people to read the OP's posts. But not every single other post, check their posting history etc etc!

@Givemes has posted previously and people replied explaining, instead of looking at any replies or even reading the rest of the tread, they've continued to post stupid comments.

❤️ Hop

I’ve been here for a similar period of time. Yes, it’s always been done, but it’s also always been considered rather poor form. I am very uncomfortable with the picking-over on this thread of incredibly sensitive medical information that the OP has disclosed elsewhere, even if the consensus is that multiple pp feel that they are justified in declaring it relevant.

Nevertheless, I can see I am in a minority when it comes to this particular culture shift. I will leave you to it. Name change regularly, kids.

ohh. so people are not allowed to change mind or get better? I assumed all comments should be ONLY refer to the CURRENT post. If she didnt say it, there is a reason. Why cannot yous respect that???

I did.
And i read OP wanted to try it another time. So, I respect that. Regardless of what happened BEFORE.

I am only reading what OP said and replying to OP and not others, but thank you.
I did not think of digging old posts of her because it is not fair.

Hop, I recognise your name. Is he a bit older than you? And you’re in Aus? You’ve been through an awful lot, if I remember rightly, and have been unwell. I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide, but at the end of the day, don’t let him decide your fate.

I am only reading what OP said and replying to OP and not others, but thank you.
I did not think of digging old posts of her because it is not fair.

You don't need to dig old posts, you need to read comments where people have seen them. Telling her to go it alone or about random people who conceived late, aren't going to help her. Nor is blaming her husband and pinning it on the money aspect.

Problem is people stalking the op and her previous posts

Means some Replies are different with info

In this thread op doesn't mention medical conditions that could means she can't conceive /carry a baby or suicide attempts

Replies can only go on what the op says

OP has left the building and I’m not sure salaciously backsearching her posts is a great thing to do to a heartbroken woman.

If money is no object as op said her and dh earn good money

Maybe surrogacy?

I'm not ignoring other people's posts. Other people can speculate and mention potential underlying conditions, but I based my post on what the OP had written, not what others wrote, as it is the OPs thread.

If the OP has additional fertility issues, then that is for the OP to mention. If they have missed out important information like this then they will get conflicting posts.

I agree to an extent there is definitely more of a active role for women. However I do think that the people (not you I appreciate) who are dismissing the husband as dangling a carrot etc need to get that IVF is hard on both partners. He does not need all the sympathy, but he does need some. IVF is invasive and painful on so many levels and if someone's husband wasn't emotionally invested in the process beyond "donating in a cup" and money I would be concerned about that relationship for other reasons.

We did 3 rounds and my husband wanted kids more than me, I wanted to reach the life goals which as an aside I do think is perfectly normal when starting out, however after the third round even he couldn't face what it did to me anymore. The physical toll was bad but the complete despair and despondency after it failed and the pain he had to see me go through. I think it is far more natural for a husband to say they can't do this anymore. Loving someone isn't always yielding to their wants, some times it is helping to protect them when they perhaps they can't do it for themselves. And if (and I do dislike the idea of post history but it's there) the OP's post history is as others suggested perhaps he really is just looking out for her. I would have sunk thousands into the one last time mindset, but actually all it was doing was making the gaping hole of not conceiving into a painful cycle of hope and despair that needed one of us to call time on.

It all boils down to as others have said, what do want more in the long run OP? It is a horrid choice and I'm so sorry you have to make it 💐

She'll end up less heartbroken when a whole load of people tell her that she can just issue an ultimatum to her husband, leave, find another man, get pregnant and have a baby, when that is actually not at all likely to happen? There is nothing salacious about understanding the context and giving advice based on the full context. I am so sorry for the OP - really sorry. I get it. I haven't been exactly where she is because nobody can ever be exactly where someone else is. But I know adenomysosis intimately, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The condition is very relevant to the OP and to appropriate advice. It might have been better if the OP had been clearer, but people seldom are - she is heartbroken yes, and all she is currently seeing is how her husband has said no more attempts at IVF. Not the why, not the impacts on him, on herself, just her heartbreak at not trying again; and not the heartbreak of another pretty certain failure in view of what has gone before, and what that failure could do to her.

I seriously hope that she can see that several pages of posts saying how somebody else got pregnant at 45 is not a straw to clutch at. Those people are not her, and these stories are actually, whilst I can see where people are coming from based on not having read the entire story, the cruelty is telling her that this could be her story too. I have been there, done that and got the T-shirt - it was my story, in many ways. And telling me that I should have found another husband, gone it alone, or "someone knows someone else who... stories" would not for one instant have made any difference to my fertility - or lack of it. If you have the slightest understanding of adenomyosis, then you will know exactly what I mean.

This.
totally inappropriate.

presume because she trusted her husband and he is good enough at manipulating her that she didnt realise he was running a strategy for his gain at her expense. She thought they were on the same team, and he wont burst her bubble because he wants his strategy to succeed?

Just because the OP doesn’t want something to be part of the story doesn’t mean it isn’t. Pages and pages of people telling OP she should just keep going through IVF and her husband is selfish for not supporting her, when he has multiple very valid reasons for not wanting to pursue a 5th round, are not helpful to her.
Multiple comments from people who aren’t paying attention to the backstory and encouraging her to divorce her husband and go for IVF alone with sober sperm, when she is clearly very fragile, isn’t helpful to her either.

I think your DP should probably support you to give it another go. Hear me out!

There are IVF successes and natural conceptions after failed ivf cycles in your 40s. It’s happened to me and to a friend. I think people need to acknowledge that depending on the medical details of each case, a small chance is not no chance, and that can be hard to give up. In fact the older you get the more likely you’ll need to persist for longer to succeed, while at the same still being statistically unlikely to succeed anyway. Tough circumstances, I have been there and I really feel for you OP.

I think there comes a point with IVF where you know that the odds are very heavily stacked and not in your favour, but are not ready to give up and you feel like you have the physical, mental, financial resources to try again. Yes, it’s tough on your DP too but nothing like as tough esp if he already has a child. So I think he should consider another go or two. You need to feel you gave it your best shot, and not have resentment that he forced you to stop. Obviously that can’t go on forever but the time to stop might not be yet.

If you do carry on, think about getting a second opinion and a full review of the protocol etc.

wish you the very best OP

Multiple comments from people who aren’t paying attention to the backstory and encouraging her to divorce her husband and go for IVF alone with sober sperm, when she is clearly very fragile, isn’t helpful to her either.

Exactly. After the last session failed, OP tried suicide. All these posters recommending to keep going and try again, Would you be happy if IVF fails and she tries it again? Do you think it's wise to keep going when mental health is that fragile? Do you think it was easy for her husband to see her do that and think he should just suck it up?!