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Original poster

To not be able to accept DH's decision to stop IVF

268 replies

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 11:26

DH and I been together 16 years, he wanted to 'wait' until we achieved some milestones before TTC. If I'm honest I now think he didn't want to cause stress with DSS mum (ONS), she is chaotic. We've tried IVF multiple times, all failed. He is now refusing to keep trying. I'm utterly heartbroken. It's me that wears the brunt of it, we both earn good money so can afford it. I just can't accept that he won't give it one last try.
Do I need to accept a childless life, or leave?

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 21/05/2023 12:42

People advising you to leave, go it alone, meet someone else etc..would the outcome be any different? Presumably you'd be starting IVF all over again with somebody else who may not be financially or mentally up for it all; although I guess you would discuss this prior to any serious relationship developing. Eventually they might feel the same as your husband now. It's a very tough decision to make. Only you and he know the stress and upheaval constant tries and failures have put on your relationship. All very well for others bitching about his choice but it's really not black and white.

Original poster
Hop27 · 21/05/2023 12:43

Thanks all, I've appreciated everything everyone has said. I've taken a massive dose of Valium and I'm going to try to sleep before work.
My
Heart
Hurts
Again
It's
Breaking
I know I'm too old, I just need to learn to accept it.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 21/05/2023 12:43

Did you have a plan of how many cycles you were both willing to try?

Do you know why it hasn't naturally - I'm not asking why but that does determine what your next options are without him.

Wishing you the best of luck.

snowbellsxox · 21/05/2023 12:43

Before anyone jumps on me I'm saying I would not OP.
I really really hope you are able to get through this and get your dream baby.
Sending love. xx

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:43

An ultimatum is not "being upfront and honest", mate. It is a threat - do this or I will leave you.

Such a sensitive reaction to the word ultimatum. This is literally what the whole thread is about - OP wants one more IVF try and is considering leaving her partner because he won't agree. If she truly wants to leave, she should express one last time she wants one more IVF try or will leave to pursue it herself. Because that's literally the truth of the matter.

There's no verbal gymnastics here. It's all pretty simple and plain wording. @Quveas

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 21/05/2023 12:43

At 42, your chances are miniscule. I know you’ll see all the success stories and it gives you hope but they are the tiny, tiny percentage of successful ones. You’ve done multiple rounds and it isn’t working. Maybe he doesn’t want the heartbreak anymore? And he can see what it does to you to go through it.

If children were absolutely something you wanted, then waiting until now was the wrong choice. It is a hard truth, but it is a truth. And maybe you need to grieve over it and then move on.

Camillasfagwrinkles · 21/05/2023 12:44

I think the ultimatum needed to be given years ago and then you could have moved on and tried on your own or with someone else. Your choice now is to try on your own with donor sperm or potentially donor eggs or stick with him. Only you can decide. He has a right to his decision though.

Wristfolds · 21/05/2023 12:44

@Hop27 you don’t need to do this on your own. I really do urge you to find a counsellor you gel with who can help you unpack this. I’m so sorry.

snowbellsxox · 21/05/2023 12:45

Also just read back that he wanted to achieve some milestones before ttc, so this is reason OP waited.
When time wasn't ok your hands either ..
Flowers

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 12:45

If you are even thinking of ending the marriage/ leaving him, then its very clearly not appropriate for you and DH to start a family (by any means).

If he hears or feels you've already got your bags packed, no wonder he doesn't want any more IVF.

tigger2022 · 21/05/2023 12:46

Often when women are upfront, state our needs, and act as if our needs are equally important, we’re called emotionally manipulative, etc… so I think you should be careful before bandying about that accusation. Not thinking you can accept childlessness knowing you could have tried again is a completely valid feeling to have and if she is told off for even thinking about sharing it with her other half, how cruel is that? Her feelings are equally important as his.

Let’s not forget he could have approached things differently: he could have said “can we have a serious discussion before deciding if we try again? I’ve been feeling w, I’m afraid of x, I’m not sure I can cope with y without z” then they could have come to an agreement together. Instead he’s deployed the veto: my sperm, my choice, it’s over, end of discussion, get used to it. Even if he has that right it doesn’t mean it’s the best option. By doing so he HAS put her in this position, because she can’t ever know of course, and finding out or not finding out will always be a decision that was made by someone else.

I do agree with other posters that it isn’t fair to stay with him in case a baby never comes along - it’s a tough decision but it’s not fair for him to be a consolation prize. If you stay with him it should be because he’s loved.

Sissynova · 21/05/2023 12:46

Camillasfagwrinkles · 21/05/2023 12:44

I think the ultimatum needed to be given years ago and then you could have moved on and tried on your own or with someone else. Your choice now is to try on your own with donor sperm or potentially donor eggs or stick with him. Only you can decide. He has a right to his decision though.

What ultimatum years ago though? They’ve done 4 rounds of IVF and presumably tried for several years before that. You’re acting like the poor bloke has been stringing her along based in absolutely nothing.

2bazookas · 21/05/2023 12:51

Hop27 · 21/05/2023 12:43

Thanks all, I've appreciated everything everyone has said. I've taken a massive dose of Valium and I'm going to try to sleep before work.
My
Heart
Hurts
Again
It's
Breaking
I know I'm too old, I just need to learn to accept it.

I'm so sad for you. My son and DIL have gone through this and finally had to accept there will be no babies, no children.

They still have a good marriage; rock- stronger because they have been through so much heartbreak and stress together. They've found other worthwhile aims and ambitions and are making a different but very exciting and enriching life without children.

You've lost parenthood; don't lose each other.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 12:51

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:43

An ultimatum is not "being upfront and honest", mate. It is a threat - do this or I will leave you.

Such a sensitive reaction to the word ultimatum. This is literally what the whole thread is about - OP wants one more IVF try and is considering leaving her partner because he won't agree. If she truly wants to leave, she should express one last time she wants one more IVF try or will leave to pursue it herself. Because that's literally the truth of the matter.

There's no verbal gymnastics here. It's all pretty simple and plain wording. @Quveas

What you are wilfully ignoring is the fact the OP’s chances at 42 are very small.

So, yep, she can issue an ultimatum, leave and go it alone, but the chances are she will then have no partner and no child.

It’s not kind to encourage that, is it?

Tophy124 · 21/05/2023 12:52

I am so so sorry. Unless someone has experienced the pain of infertility it can be hard to truly empathize with the soul crushing knife in the heart experience.

As you rightly have said, men don’t endure as much as women during the IVF process. They despot a sample and are done. They may also have an emotional toll but I just don’t believe it’s fair for people to compare the physical brutality of what your body goes through with IVF as a woman and the emotional toll of that with your husband who just has to give a sperm sample and who already has got to have a child. If he delayed TTC with you due to his ex then he is selfish.

I would investigate all of your options OP, I’d encourage you to seek counseling with a professional trained in this area and I’d try to work out what options you would feel comfortable with. If the IVF is required due to issues on his side then yes I would think about leaving. It’s not selfish to put yourself first, as that is what he is doing.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 12:56

What jumps out at me is the fact that you have been with him for 16 years - so you were 26 when you got together? - and that he wanted to wait for "milestones" before TTC. I'm guessing that means that you didn't start TTC until late 30s?

If my assumptions above are correct, then if I were in your shoes I think I'd be struggling with feeling like I have sacrificed my fertile years for a man who dangled the carrot and then when he knew it was too late, withdrew it.

There is a decision you need to make now, which is whether you are willing to continue life (whether in a relationship or not) without your own children (whether through fertility treatment or fostering/adoption). Once you have answered this question, the rest should be reasonably obvious in terms of next steps to take.

dogsanddolphines · 21/05/2023 12:56

I'm sorry OP.
But it's not just the 'one last try', is it? The fact is you delayed TTC because of HIM. And now time isn't on your side.
If I were you I wouldn't be able to get over the resentment. And what were these stupid 'milestones' that were worth waiting 16 years for anyway?

silverspoonsz · 21/05/2023 12:56

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 12:51

What you are wilfully ignoring is the fact the OP’s chances at 42 are very small.

So, yep, she can issue an ultimatum, leave and go it alone, but the chances are she will then have no partner and no child.

It’s not kind to encourage that, is it?

Show quote history

I made my original post before she said she was 42. Try reading the thread.

OP can choose to go down whichever path she wants. I was advising her IF she chooses the path to leave, which I've stated in every subsequent post since.

Stop carrying it on now and trying to find issues in my posts. It's looking petty.

dogsanddolphines · 21/05/2023 12:56

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 12:56

What jumps out at me is the fact that you have been with him for 16 years - so you were 26 when you got together? - and that he wanted to wait for "milestones" before TTC. I'm guessing that means that you didn't start TTC until late 30s?

If my assumptions above are correct, then if I were in your shoes I think I'd be struggling with feeling like I have sacrificed my fertile years for a man who dangled the carrot and then when he knew it was too late, withdrew it.

There is a decision you need to make now, which is whether you are willing to continue life (whether in a relationship or not) without your own children (whether through fertility treatment or fostering/adoption). Once you have answered this question, the rest should be reasonably obvious in terms of next steps to take.

You put it more eloquently than I did!

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 12:58

@dogsanddolphines I think your post was much more succinct - I am a bit wordy!!

JFDIYOLO · 21/05/2023 12:59

Did his 'milestones' keep changing and shifting each time you hit one? Stringing you along all these years to keep you around til it was realistically too late?

Going through the process must be incredibly difficult for the woman - and supporting her AND coping with his own emotions must be incredibly difficult for the man. And would naturally get harder with age.

How old is he?

How old is his existing child?

He may feel he is at an age where he just doesn't feel physically, mentally, financially able to go through fatherhood again.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 13:00

What I would add though, is that if you know that you can't live without trying everything - so even if it doesn't work you have the comfort of knowing you gave it every shot - then I think you need to separate and proceed ASAP with fertility treatment on your own.

Don't stay in a relationship where you compromise your desire for children - the resentment will corrode everything.

Quisquam · 21/05/2023 13:03

But if you stay it will always be an issue and you will feel nothing but resentment towards him.

Equally, if he backs down and agrees to another failed attempt, OP would have deal with his resentment!

(Been through IVF and I remember couples who broke up, with the strain of it all)

Shhhquirrel · 21/05/2023 13:04

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 12:56

What jumps out at me is the fact that you have been with him for 16 years - so you were 26 when you got together? - and that he wanted to wait for "milestones" before TTC. I'm guessing that means that you didn't start TTC until late 30s?

If my assumptions above are correct, then if I were in your shoes I think I'd be struggling with feeling like I have sacrificed my fertile years for a man who dangled the carrot and then when he knew it was too late, withdrew it.

There is a decision you need to make now, which is whether you are willing to continue life (whether in a relationship or not) without your own children (whether through fertility treatment or fostering/adoption). Once you have answered this question, the rest should be reasonably obvious in terms of next steps to take.

This completely

tigger2022 · 21/05/2023 13:04

I don’t think anybody in this thread should be saying a 5th attempt would be a waste of time - it’s tough odds, no doubt, but unless you’ve seen her medical records not impossible! I think she should have had some say in the decision to keep trying or not. If such a huge life decision is taken unilaterally by someone else, then what is left to feel but resentment? Even if she would have come to the same conclusion her input is irrelevant because the decision was already made for her.