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Original poster

My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

248 replies

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

OP posts:
GuinnessBird · 21/05/2023 06:25

There's no unwritten rule and you yourself describe your father as pushy, so who is really in the wrong here?

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 06:26

If my husband had hurt my dad's feelings like that, he'd be hanging from his goolies on the washing line. My dad would never deliberat

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 06:27

Is your dh a confrontational type generally?

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 06:27

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 06:26

If my husband had hurt my dad's feelings like that, he'd be hanging from his goolies on the washing line. My dad would never deliberat

My dad would never deliberately hurt anyone, so if my husband deliberately hurt him, I'd do some hurting back.

VioletPickles · 21/05/2023 06:30

is your husband generally confrontational or argumentative ? I wonder what he was trying to achieve by bringing up an issue 2months later? Just to be right? To humiliate your dad? To undermine you? The wedding was all done and you all presumably had a nice time so why couldn’t he just have left it?

WhatNoRaisins · 21/05/2023 06:32

I don't think there's any rules about who you can have a confrontation with, it's something that's sometimes needed. Obviously without knowing details it's hard to say if it was justified.

What stuck out to me was your DH having a go at him and then expecting him not to tell anyone about it. Do you think your DH did that because he knew he'd behaved badly?

TidyDancer · 21/05/2023 06:33

Do you know what the bollocking consisted of and what kind of interference from your dad was happening before the wedding? How unreasonable your DH is depends on those two things I think. To wait two months just to have a go at someone though does suggest it was done for the sake of it. It's not as if anything good would come of it at that point - the wedding has already happened after all.

DahliaBlue · 21/05/2023 06:33

Your DH should have had more respect for your dad than to do this. Your dad was paying for the wedding too so entitled to a say. I think it is an unwritten rule not to diss your FIL

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 06:37

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

I would divorce anyone who didn't treat him with the respect he deserved.

The fact your husband told him not to tell anyone shows what a bully he is.

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2023 06:40

Your h told your dad not to tell anyone about the bollocking? Why? If he was so justified in doing it, why the secrecy?

What did the bollocking consist of? Was it menacing? Physical?

I would be worried about this and would get more details.

YukoandHiro · 21/05/2023 06:40

I'm glad you found out now before you have children.

Think very hard about him: are there red flags for this kind of aggressive behaviour? Can you actually trust him to respect you and your family, and your children?

Violasaremyfavourite · 21/05/2023 06:41

I truly think this would be the end of the marriage. You're married to an unpleasant bully.

rwalker · 21/05/2023 06:43

The description you give of your dad isn’t great tbh . Whilst that’s how you see him we tend to play down or don’t see it as much when it’s a loved one .
From someone else’s point if view and your DH he’s probably comes across a lot worse than you said

I don’t think ether have covered themselves in glory

But by your own admission he was interfering
Your dad does sound domineering I’d question his motives for telling you

euff · 21/05/2023 06:46

You asked him not to speak to him and then he went and gave him a complete bollocking and told him not to tell anyone. I don't question your dads motives for telling you that. DH sounds like a piece of work. I could understand if your dad was abusive or controlling towards you and he was trying to protect you. You've described your dad as gentle and kind and well meaning. This makes me feel like it may be a red flag for your future and maybe it will come out towards you. His feet are under the table now aren't they. Big difference between having a word and giving a bollocking.

notgojira · 21/05/2023 06:48

It really depends what happened

Smallyellowbird · 21/05/2023 06:50

Your husband sounds very unpleasant - he bullied your Dad and tried to cover it up by telling him not to talk to you about it.

And to complain about the wedding 2 months after the event isn't going to change anything, other than to humiliate your dad.

I think you may have got an insight into who your husband really is.

BananaSplitX · 21/05/2023 06:57

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 06:37

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

I would divorce anyone who didn't treat him with the respect he deserved.

The fact your husband told him not to tell anyone shows what a bully he is.

This!
Yoir husband sounds awful. No respect for your dad, means no respect for you. And what man allows FIL to pay for his wedding. Freeloader. Run away.

Dymaxion · 21/05/2023 07:04

Did you complain a lot to your DH about your Dad's interference in your wedding plans, were you really stressed because of it ?

You say your Dad has told you now because of various reasons, why now ?

Meeting · 21/05/2023 07:04

To me this sounds like one side of a story.

Hellenabe · 21/05/2023 07:06

Whenever I read threads like this, I think about healthy relationships in my life (ie not my own!). I have friends and siblings who have partners who would never dream of such a thing. My ex, yup, he would be that sort like your husband. These people show their true colours, they are bullies. Ask yourself really, did you dad deserve thar treatment? Is he just a bit annoying or did he really deserve a younger, stronger man, putting him in his place. You are married to an unpleasant man. I'd say leave.

GoodChat · 21/05/2023 07:07

GuinnessBird · 21/05/2023 06:25

There's no unwritten rule and you yourself describe your father as pushy, so who is really in the wrong here?

Her husband.

Because she asked him not to say anything but he chose to have a go at the man who paid for his wedding two months down the line at a family event, causing unnecessary awkwardness, then asked him to keep it a secret because he knew he'd behaved like a tool.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2023 07:08

As your parents paid for most of the wedding, they should be allowed some kind of input, agreed with you of course.

Ours was paid for from both sides. Mine organised it, invited their friends and agreed everything with us. Dh’s dad doesn’t really have friends and wouldn’t have known how to input. He’s a very solitary person.

As a daughter in law, I couldn’t imagine going up to him and having a go at him in private, which would be the equivalent for me as my dh’s mum died before we married.

DrySherry · 21/05/2023 07:11

I wouldn't like this one bit. What on earth is the point of your DH bringing this up with your father TWO MONTHS after the marriage day. Very worrying behaviour.

newnamethanks · 21/05/2023 07:12

Oh. Another controlling, bullying male. Trying it out on vulnerable family members before it's your turn OP. And it's 'a secret'? Do give over. You've picked badly. I hope you can sort it out.

AFishCalledKeith · 21/05/2023 07:12

It's not about how much input OP's dad should or shouldn't have had in the wedding.

It's how OP's husband has behaved towards someone who, as soon as they realised they had done something wrong, stopped it and apologised. The husband was then asked not to say anything further. He did. He felt like somehow there was a justification to 'have a go' at someone long after something for which they had already apologised. And then asked them to keep the bollocking secret.

Absolute twat.