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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

248 replies

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

OP posts:
Dogsitterwoes · 21/05/2023 09:31

Maybe your DH is a bully.

Im also reminded of a gazillion threads on here from women with interfering and difficult MILs, whose husband's think the sun shines our of their mother's bums and won't do anything about it. And when these women attempt to speak to MIL themselves, mil goes crying to their son and the woman ends up the bad guy...

None of us can know which is the case here.

It would be interesting to know why your Dad told you now. And what your husband's side of the story is.

MRex · 21/05/2023 09:31

Imagine your MIL does something you don't like, then apologises and stops. Your DH asks you not to speak to her about it. Can you imagine yourself them getting her in private to tell her off and warn her not to tell anyone you've done that? It's really weird, right? So, whatever your dad is, your DH is an unpleasant bully. Good for you finding out early and before kids, get a no fault divorce and move on to someone better.

Prettylittleroses · 21/05/2023 09:32

The fact he told your dad not to tell anyone says it all. He knew he was out of line. I’d be furious with him.

RemainAtHome · 21/05/2023 09:33

@Lampzade the difference though is that you had issues right up to the time of the wedding and nothing your DH said made a difference.
This is it the case with the OP. So there was no need ‘to have a chat’.

And I imagine you didn’t hide that conversation to your DH and/or didn’t tell your MIL to nit say anything at all about the confrontation.

One if the big issue here is tte secrecy on the DH part

ScribblingPixie · 21/05/2023 09:33

I'm guessing your father has told you about this because he's worried about how the man you've married will end up treating you. Anyone speaking this way to my own gentle father would be out of my life immediately.

Dotcheck · 21/05/2023 09:34

The thing is, OP isn’t saying she finds it hard to believe that her husband would do this.

OP, is your relationship generally ok?

crumpet · 21/05/2023 09:35

Two months after the event is unreasonable

doing it in secret is unreasonable and cowardly

telling your dad to keep it a secret is unreasonable and cowardly

TooOldForThisNonsense · 21/05/2023 09:37

Frazzledmummy123 · 21/05/2023 09:15

The fact you asked him not to, and your dad kept quiet for nearly a year and told you now suggests it must have significantly affected him. I am wondering why your dad has told you now? My first 2 thoughts are, it has played on his mind for all this time, or something he has seen with ypur husband has prompted him to speak up. Has he witnessed something, or maybe something else has happened he hasnt told you?

That said, I think you need to get your dh's side of the story to. Find out what prompted him to do that 2 months after the wedding, and why he asked your dad not to say anything. Your dh asking your dad to keep quiet is a huge red flag, and doesn't look good.

These are my thoughts. Is your dad worried about you with him?

Mariposista · 21/05/2023 09:37

Your poor dad. If your husband thought that your family was getting too involved he should have spoke to you and let you deal with them. If you stormed in upsetting his mother, I'm sure he would have something to say about it (if he is decent).

Esjolaol · 21/05/2023 09:37

VioletPickles · 21/05/2023 06:30

is your husband generally confrontational or argumentative ? I wonder what he was trying to achieve by bringing up an issue 2months later? Just to be right? To humiliate your dad? To undermine you? The wedding was all done and you all presumably had a nice time so why couldn’t he just have left it?

Exactly my thoughts!DH doesn’t sound a particularly pleasant man.

DumboLives · 21/05/2023 09:38

Were you complaining a lot about your Dad's interference? Also bear in mind it was not just your wedding but your DH's as well. Maybe your DH was trying to look out for you? Maybe your DF was still nagging your DH about the wedding unbeknown to you.

There is more to this I feel.

Sisisimone · 21/05/2023 09:39

Maybe your DH feels inadequate because your Dad paid for the wedding and has taken it out on your Dad. Whatever the reason he sounds like an aggressive bully. What I don't understand is why you haven't spoken to him about it yet. Are you scared of him?

Shhhquirrel · 21/05/2023 09:40

Smallyellowbird · 21/05/2023 06:50

Your husband sounds very unpleasant - he bullied your Dad and tried to cover it up by telling him not to talk to you about it.

And to complain about the wedding 2 months after the event isn't going to change anything, other than to humiliate your dad.

I think you may have got an insight into who your husband really is.

This

’Bollocking’ an elderly man, who the hell does he think he is?

Butterfly44 · 21/05/2023 09:42

He brings it up two months later? Why?
Confrontational to an elderly man who he presumably knows is mild and would be upset by this? And your father no less?

Sounds to me he was asserting his authority as if - she's my wife now, back off with involvement
Secondly, to actually do what he did is awful, disrespectful and he tried to hide it by telling him to keep it quiet.
That can never be forgotten I'm afraid. Can't be undone. I don't doubt your father likely worries about the type of man you've actually married after that. Not what I would want for my child.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 21/05/2023 09:42

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

The unwritten rule is that your father now knows you have married an abusive person an it is just a matter of time before he behaves with you like that regularly.

I’m sorry for your dad, he should be worried sick about you and unable to help you as he knows your new husband will take it out on you.

Start looking at the flags, don’t get pregnant and keep your financial independence. Otherwise you won’t be able to escape when he shows his colours.

SallyWD · 21/05/2023 09:42

Did he "bollock" him or have a quiet discussion? There's a huge difference between raising an issue and laying in to someone. It all depends on your husband's tone.
It's hard to know to what extent your dad was being pushy. As your parents paid for most of it I can see why your dad might have wanted to be involved but he should also have respected it was your wedding. I do feel sorry for your dad and would be upset if my DH did this. I just wonder if there's more to the story.
What has your DH said about it? If you haven't discussed it with him, you need to.

Cotton55 · 21/05/2023 09:43

quietheart · 21/05/2023 07:37

The OP said her DH lost his temper with her elderly father who is a gentle man who backed down some months earlier when told he was interfering.

That’s not having a word out of concern for the OP, or protecting the OP, or a man to man chat. That’s holding on to resentment and letting it out in an uncontrolled manner and then covering it up.

I’m genuinely surprised how many people think that it is ok for a man to lose his temper with an elderly man and tell him to keep it secret, especially while accepting his money to pay for the wedding.

Even if the dad is an accomplished manipulator it does not justify the DH’s behaviour.

Exactly this.

I am genuinely shocked at the amount of posters seeming to excuse the dh's behaviour. Of course we're only hearing the OP's side of events, but if that's even partially accurate, it shows the dh in an awful light.

He is a bully and I wouldn't be with a man like this.

PatientZorro · 21/05/2023 09:44

I agree that you urgently need your DH’s side. I would start the conversation by telling him that you are aware that he needlessly shouted at your frail father, that he swore him to secrecy and that you are now seeing him
in a new light as a controlling bully. See what he says in his defence. (In my opinion there is no defence - it wasn’t heat of the moment, it was for the satisfaction. I’m sorry that you seem to have discovered that your new husband is a grade A prick).

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2023 09:47

Why would that be an unspoken rule? It's not unreasonable for your husband to have words with his FIL, it depends entirely who actually was in the wrong and how harshly he actually spoke to him. You only have hearsay to judge the latter.

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 09:48

So your dad's revealed a secret to you, and your reaction is to keep that fact a secret from your husband? And your husband also kept the original conversation with your dad a secret from you?

It's all a bit Mike Leigh.

Mumuser124 · 21/05/2023 09:48

Honestly, if my husband did that to my father, it would be beginning of the end of my marriage.

It is completely disrespectful to not only your father, but also to you. Who the hell does this man think he is?!

I’m certain the majority of your family will always secretly dislike your husband forever more.

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 09:50

AutumnCrow · 21/05/2023 09:48

So your dad's revealed a secret to you, and your reaction is to keep that fact a secret from your husband? And your husband also kept the original conversation with your dad a secret from you?

It's all a bit Mike Leigh.

Exactly, all this accepting without question that the dh is a bollocking, aggressive bully to a poor, sensitive vulnerable man, who has done nothing wrong. Why on earth would you stay with DH if you absolutely believe only your dad's version of what happened?

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 21/05/2023 09:52

PatientZorro · 21/05/2023 09:44

I agree that you urgently need your DH’s side. I would start the conversation by telling him that you are aware that he needlessly shouted at your frail father, that he swore him to secrecy and that you are now seeing him
in a new light as a controlling bully. See what he says in his defence. (In my opinion there is no defence - it wasn’t heat of the moment, it was for the satisfaction. I’m sorry that you seem to have discovered that your new husband is a grade A prick).

No, don’t do that.

One of the key ways abusive people operate is by separating you from your support network. If she tells her bully husband her dad talked he would give another bollocking before starting to block her from having contact with her family (He won’t forbid it as such, bullies are not that stupid, it will start with making the family late for extended family get together, making sure he organised other stuff at the times she used to meet them or start manipulating the OP into thinking her family wants to split them up or that if she “really loved him” she wouldn’t believe their “lies”.

readbooksdrinktea · 21/05/2023 10:02

GoodChat · 21/05/2023 07:07

Her husband.

Because she asked him not to say anything but he chose to have a go at the man who paid for his wedding two months down the line at a family event, causing unnecessary awkwardness, then asked him to keep it a secret because he knew he'd behaved like a tool.

Show quote history

On point.

Your husband sounds like a bully. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who is a bully.

PatientZorro · 21/05/2023 10:02

That sounds awful Penguin, and I can well believe that there are those who act that way. Plus I think the DH’s behaviour has red flags all over it. If that’s the case then the best that the OP can do is leave him. But they have to have a conversation about it first surely?