My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

[Han490]

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

There are no 'rules' about who you should talk to about how you feel, or who you should confront when you're unhappy about something.

However, I can't imagine raising something sensitive with my ILs without running it past DH first. You'd asked him not to say anything. That doesn't mean he had to obey you, but knowing your views on this, he ought to have discussed it with you first. Along the lines of 'I know you don't want me to say anything but I feel I have to raise it as it's still bothering me'.

The fact he knew you didn't want him to raise it, then he raised it - and aggressively - then told your DF not to tell anyone, is just wrong.

He was deceiving you, whilst upsetting your DF and barring him from confiding in anyone about what must have been an upsetting experience.

It may be that your DF was pushy. It may even be that he 'needed' to hear some truths about his pushiness. But your DH went about it the wrong way.

How I felt about it longer term would depend on how DH usually is. Is he often aggressive, secretive, upsets people, disregards your opinion? OR was this a one-off because your DF was particularly bad and DH felt it spoiled your wedding day, and couldn't let it go? (even then his way of going about it was wrong).

I agree. And he let his PILs pay for most of the wedding before confronting FIL, so he’s a freeloader too. I hope you haven’t had children with him.

Exactly !

It sounds as if resentment has built up with your husband.

If it was a clearing of the air between them the & can perhaps understand Op not needing to know?

Has something happened with you & your husband Op?

Your dad is certainly using this against him-maybe justifiably so.

Perhaps you would have preferred to know at the time to make decisions then?

I'd be pissed off with both of them!

She didn't raise it with him. Unless I've read it wrong, she says he realised and apologised. So no one actually told him what all his interfering was doing or how it was impacting/upsetting OP or her DH.

There is a reason the DH brought it up again. We don't know this reason but it's very unlikely to be for absolutely no reason.

Of course it's possible he came across as intimidating or threatening, but it's also possible he didn't and the dad has hammed it up to get sympathy. I could tell people that our exchange on here has left me shaken and upset. Doesn't mean that it has or that anyone was being aggressive.

I do agree that asking him the keep the conversation between them is strange, so id like to know exactly what was said.
Was it "right. Let's put this to bed and not speak of it again" or "you'd better not tell anyone about this"

DH shouldn’t have spoken to your dad after you asked him not to. He should not have asked your dad to keep it secret either which shows that DH knows he was in the wrong.

I think you have to think about whether this is an isolated incident or whether this is typical behaviour in DH…..

On the basis of the info presented here...what a total overreaction that would be! No wonder the divorce rate is sky high. The OP hasn't even got her husbands side of the story (and neither have we)! In fact, she's not been back to the thread.

It could well be that her dad is just concerned about his SILs behaviour towards his daughter and has had to say something out of worry. It could also be that he's got the hump because his SIL has said "stop interfering". Until OP comes back, we have no idea.

Ah but did he ?

I think your husband is trying to isolate you from your family. He probably thought if he had a 'quiet word' then your dad would slowly reduce contact with you. He also asked your dad to keep his verbal attack confidential which is what abusers do. This for me is a red flag and I think he's going to approach other family members & do the same. Big 🚩

I think there’s an unwritten rule about ‘if your parents are paying for your entire wedding, keep your gob shut when they’re a bit interfering.’

I would be furious about this. Your husband sounds like he has no respect for your father.

The fact you asked him not to, and your dad kept quiet for nearly a year and told you now suggests it must have significantly affected him. I am wondering why your dad has told you now? My first 2 thoughts are, it has played on his mind for all this time, or something he has seen with ypur husband has prompted him to speak up. Has he witnessed something, or maybe something else has happened he hasnt told you?

That said, I think you need to get your dh's side of the story to. Find out what prompted him to do that 2 months after the wedding, and why he asked your dad not to say anything. Your dh asking your dad to keep quiet is a huge red flag, and doesn't look good.

He's a bully. I can understand him getting into a heated conversation if they'd both had a few drinks, but to tell your FIL not to tell anyone? Who the hell does he think he is? You have to confront him on this. He's undermining your relationship with your dad by going behind your back.

This sums it up. There is an awful lot of adults telling other adults what they can or can't say/do.

It's hard to say without more information. Was it really 'a bollocking' or was it just your husband setting boundaries so your father didn't feel he had a right to continue to interfere in your shared life? What prompted your father to talk about it a year on but not at the time? What has your husband said about it when you asked him? Did your husband just walk up to him and say 'oi Jack we need a word' or was it the way the conversation was going and he took your dad to one side to discuss it further?

Why did your dad decide to tell you now? Can he see behaviour that he's not comfortable with toward you from your husband?
At the very least, I'd be bloody fuming that your husband went behind your back even though you'd asked him not to and telling your dad not to say anything. He doesn't sound very nice.

So your husband had no qualms about accepting money from you father for the wedding but is now the big man telling the old man what’s what. Get rid.

If your husband still had beef, why didn't he discuss it with you and your dad? Why couldn't your husband let it go after your Dad apologised? Why did your husband ask your dad to keep quiet?

My dad is in his 70s and also hates conflict. If a partner did this to my dad I'd seriously reconsider my relationship with them. That is not on.

Tread carefully with this man, going forward.

But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

These reasons probably mean further stuff has gone on between the two of them. Probably highly relevant.

There will be 2 sides to this but based on the facts that (i) your dad paid for most of the wedding, (ii) he backed off when asked, (iii) you asked your H not to say anything, and (iv) your H told your father not to tell anyone that he had had a go at him (not for your H to decide whether your father tells anyone), I don’t think this reflects well on your H.

You need to hear your dh’s side of the story.
It seems strange that your dh would approach him two months after the wedding to give him a bollocking.
You describe your father as ‘kind ‘ and ‘sensitive’ , but he may be over sensitive and therefore may have taken things that your dh said and blown them out of proportion
Your dh may have also told your df that they should draw a line under the whole issue which your df may have interpreted to mean that you should not be told about the discussion .
I am just saying that you don’t know what was actually said.

I had a similar experience with MIL. She was really difficult and demanding throughout the wedding preparation process which was very stressful. I decided to leave it to dh to talk to his mother as I didn’t want any confrontation.
Two days before the wedding she phoned me and said that she was really upset about the whole situation and asked what she had done. I calmly explained that we appreciated her input but sometimes found that she overstepped boundaries.
She then phoned dh and said that I had abused her and told her that I didn’t want her involved in the wedding. She said that I had said that she was interfering. This wasn’t true.
Thankfully, dh didn’t believe his mother.

Op you need to speak to your dh about this matter

I'd be most concerned at your DH telling your dad not to tell anyone. There's something really slimy and sinister about that.

Your dad told you for a reason - I think you need to listen to him.

So there was an issue with your dad. You had words with him, he realised his mistakes and stepped back from what he thought was being helpful.
A normal conversation between adults.

Your dh though….

• went behind your back when you said you wanted him to let go and nit say anything. Why does he think he knows best
• had a go at your dad AFTER THE EVENT when nothing could be done about it. If he really wanted to support you, why didn’t he say anything at the time rather than 2 months afterwards when everything was done and dusted?
• then told your dad to keep quiet about it. Why the secrecy if he was so sure he was right to be so confrontational?

Rather than being helpful, it sounds like your DH has anger and control issues tbh.

The comment about your dad deciding to talk now is also unsettling.
What has been going in between then since then?
How is your DH behaving towards your dad?
How is your DH behaving towards you? Aka is your dad trying to highlight some of your DH reactions isnt on.

Indeed, the phrasing OP has used also sounds like it could be quite hyperbolic

If your Dad got a bit over involved it is fair enough that your DH would note this and look for ways to maintain boundaries as the marriage progressed.

Boundaries can mostly be negotiated and maintained politely and directly.

He wanted to have a go at your Dad.

You asked him not to.

He did it and put your Dad under pressure to keep it secret.

Your DH sounds aggressive and bullying, and has proven that he is happy to go against you, GI behind your back, and keep things secret from you.

That sounds a lot worse to me than interfering.

Assuming that your Dad didn’t knowingly invite a violent sex offender ex step parent of your DH or his sister, or something equally terrible.

Is there something else going on now. Why has your dad chosen to tell you now. Is there a little bit of a backstory that you've not told us?