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Original poster

My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

248 replies

Han490 · 21/05/2023 06:21

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

OP posts:
Frogmila · 21/05/2023 08:23

Hmm. I agree this sounds like there are 2 sides.

What did the bollocking look like, what did your father's interference look like and how does him not liking conflict present? Also what other issues led up to this being raised?

I largely agree that it's usually easier to handle issues with respective family members but both dad and DH are adults, I don't see why DH can't raise something with DF if he feels it necessary. Not saying he went about it in the right way necessarily but in principle I don't think this is a wild thing to so.

Seaoftroubles · 21/05/2023 08:24

You need to hear what your D.P has to say about this. What was the nature and level of the so called interference by your Dad (who actually paid for the wedding) and what prompted your husband to bring his grievances up so much later? Also what did the bollocking involve exactly?

MayhemMostly · 21/05/2023 08:24

Family lunch, all involved at the table and you simply ask what happened . Talk it through, all of you, and if anyone behaves like a four year old you will soon see who it is. This needs addressing.

Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 08:25

newnamethanks · 21/05/2023 07:12

Oh. Another controlling, bullying male. Trying it out on vulnerable family members before it's your turn OP. And it's 'a secret'? Do give over. You've picked badly. I hope you can sort it out.

Well yes but ‘vulnerable’, really??

Blueisthecolour1 · 21/05/2023 08:25

Jesus he’d be subject to the Spanish Inquisition by me and with the added bonus of a potential separation now that I’d seen his true colours. Nasty

MissyB1 · 21/05/2023 08:27

Eugh.. horrible immature “Alpha male” behaviour from your Dh. Not only would that make me angry it would also be a massive turn off.

Maray1967 · 21/05/2023 08:28

Haywirecity · 21/05/2023 06:27

My dad would never deliberately hurt anyone, so if my husband deliberately hurt him, I'd do some hurting back.

Show quote history

This would be my response too. Mine would be seriously regretting it if he’d done that.
I would tell him now that you know and that he is in massive trouble.

TallerThanAverage · 21/05/2023 08:30

Just because they’ve offered to pay it doesn’t give them a say. As a parent you either gift your contribution towards the wedding without conditions or don’t put your hand in your pocket.

If your dad is such a gentle soul maybe your DH having a word with him constitutes a bollocking when to anyone else it was just giving his opinion. Ask your DH get the whole story.

PandaPouch · 21/05/2023 08:31

I just don't get why your DP bothered 2 months after the fact, especially as you say your parents paid for most of the wedding. It seems more likely you may have been whining and so therefore he stepped up to defend you.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 21/05/2023 08:31

My in laws did this with our wedding, tried to take over (they had contributed to paying for it but we had paid the bulk). I was told who I had to invite, I had to resend some invites to make some people (who I'd met twice) to day guests instead of evrning and I had at least a dozen people I'd never heard of nevermind met! Interfering overbearing parents are the worst when you've married into it. Your husband had a word because I suspect he doesn't want your dad interfering with other things. I have had to have the exact conversation with my in laws, they are very controlling and overinvolved, wanting to know our business, it's suffocating. You need to listen to your husband not berate him for broaching the issue with your dad.

CurlewKate · 21/05/2023 08:37

@TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain Yep-that sounds EXACTLY the same...

MissyB1 · 21/05/2023 08:38

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 21/05/2023 08:31

My in laws did this with our wedding, tried to take over (they had contributed to paying for it but we had paid the bulk). I was told who I had to invite, I had to resend some invites to make some people (who I'd met twice) to day guests instead of evrning and I had at least a dozen people I'd never heard of nevermind met! Interfering overbearing parents are the worst when you've married into it. Your husband had a word because I suspect he doesn't want your dad interfering with other things. I have had to have the exact conversation with my in laws, they are very controlling and overinvolved, wanting to know our business, it's suffocating. You need to listen to your husband not berate him for broaching the issue with your dad.

You are projecting your own individual (and different) issue onto OP.

ShinyShite · 21/05/2023 08:40

Your DH is an arsehole and I’d be re-thinking the marriage if he ever tries to act the big man again. You need to have very firm words with him about his behaviour towards your dad.

As far as I’m concerned if you let your parents pay towards the wedding, they get a say in the planning.

If you want to call the shots, you act like a grown up and pay for everything yourself. Your DH could have said ‘no thank you’ to the money but unsurprisingly, he wanted to take the cash. 🤨

Susieb2023 · 21/05/2023 08:42

Absolutely firm no from me. Couldn’t care less what had come before, it was not his place to do this against your wishes.

Alpha male bs, this would have me running for the hills tbh!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 21/05/2023 08:42

So... when your husband went on a rampage at your dad (AFTER you telling him not to), did he offer to reimburse your dad for the wedding he paid for?

I think it's the least that could be done, if you don't want your dad to have input then pay yourself. If my dad paid for a significant amount of a wedding for me I'd let him have more say than anyone.

FabFitFifties · 21/05/2023 08:43

Why has DF told you this now? Is he unhappy with how DH behaves towards you? Or feels relationships are strained since then too (not suprisingly). Your husband sounds like a bully - if I were your father I'd be worried this bullying was also being exercised on you - and you were also keeping this to yourself. I admire him for telling you. What a git your husband sounds 😠

SeaPink · 21/05/2023 08:43

Who does your husband think he is telling off your dad like a small child then telling him not to mention it. He sounds like a bully. Your poor dad.

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 08:43

TallerThanAverage · 21/05/2023 08:30

Just because they’ve offered to pay it doesn’t give them a say. As a parent you either gift your contribution towards the wedding without conditions or don’t put your hand in your pocket.

If your dad is such a gentle soul maybe your DH having a word with him constitutes a bollocking when to anyone else it was just giving his opinion. Ask your DH get the whole story.

Agree, although op if you are accepting without question everything your dad is saying where he is a vulnerable victim who has done nothing wrong.. I.e his behaviour is always acceptable no matter what, and you won't even ask your dh his side of the story, how can your relationship continue?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 08:47

I'm with your husband here (depending on the details!).

Your dad was interfering. Presumably you and DH discussed this and you'd both complained about it. He wanted to have a word but you wouldn't let him. For some reason 2 months later something happened for him to pull your dad on it. I don't believe it happened out of nowhere, completely unprovoked.

I'm guessing he didn't tell you he was going to do it because you'd tell him not to. At the end of the day, he's entitled to feel how he feels and express himself. As long as he wasn't abusive or threatening.

I'm curious why your dad has now decided to tell you.

Batalax · 21/05/2023 08:48

Why did your dad tell you now? Is it because of further issues?

If your dad did interefere, then whilst your dh shouldn’t have gone against your wishes and said something, then it’s sort of understandable, even if wrong. But I think more stuff has happened between them now, for your dad to suddenly tell you. Depends on what’s happened as to how I approach dh. But I would tell dh because I’d be furious - especially about the “don’t say anything” bit.

AnnWithoutAnnie · 21/05/2023 08:53

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2023 06:40

Your h told your dad not to tell anyone about the bollocking? Why? If he was so justified in doing it, why the secrecy?

What did the bollocking consist of? Was it menacing? Physical?

I would be worried about this and would get more details.

@BlastedPimples

He told her Dad he was not to discuss it with anyone.

the only details I'd be getting would be those of a good divorce lawyer/solicitor!!

@Han490

sorry, but your DH is not a good man. Thank the heavens for this warning & divorce the nasty bastard. Yes, I know that's uncomfortable when you've only been married 5 minutes & your lively Dad paid for the wedding, but H is a nasty bullying twat & if you stay with him you'll have years of being controlled, bullied not to mention what a terrible father he will be to any children.

honestly, get out!!

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 08:58

Has your dad also said 'don't say anything'? @Han490 about your dh saying 'dont saying anything'? Think youll have to have conversation with both their or it'll get so convoluted and you'll get tied in knots!

EveSix · 21/05/2023 08:58

Slice, OP said she raised it with her dad at the time of the wedding and, as a consequence, he apologies and took a step back. Job done, don't you think?
Since then, OP's husband decided he wanted to bring it up again, and told OP so. OP asked him not to, presumably as the matter had already been addressed. OP's husband decided to go behind OP's back and speak to OP's dad anyway, getting the dad to promise not to tell he'd spoken to him. OP says her dad felt shaken afterwards. I think that does sound as if OP's husband could have come across as both intimidating and threatening.

AgentJohnson · 21/05/2023 09:00

What big man your H is by telling your dad to keep quiet.

Susieb2023 · 21/05/2023 09:01

Absolutely shocked at the number of women here supporting the fact this husband went behind his wife’s back to do this after she asked him not to!