My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

[Han490]

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

I dont understand what "unwritten rule" would mean here either

Apart from not being a dick and ranting of course....?

Your husband's a wrongun.

I'd be worried about your DH's anger level, in that he held onto this for two months.

I don’t think you are responsible for your husbands actions or for your father’s. They have their own relationship separate from yours and need to work out how that’s going to be. Your only input should be your reaction to their behaviour not to try to lay down rules about who can say what to whom.
Of course your father doesn’t have to agree to keep a conversation secret. Of course your husband can address your overbearing father. Of course you can tell your husband that him upsetting your dad makes you upset. I wonder why your husband felt he had to defend your like that? Did you stop him from speaking up at the time? Did it make you or him sad at the time?

My DH have the rule that we each manage issues within our own family. So whilst my DH was very angry about something my family member did, I was able to choose to forgive and move on.
If anyone was going to have a word with your dad on behalf of you and your husband it was your place. You chose , knowing the whole picture to move on.

That makes DH very unreasonable in my book. I would speak to him and make it clear that he never has a word with your family again. He crossed the line.

My dh would get an even worse bollocking from me if he did that to my df.

At Christmas my dh was getting something out of the oven when df kept coming in, df gets a bit confused, dh nearly dropped the dish and shouted at df to get out of the kitchen.
I was furious, dh was completely in the wrong imo.
I told dh he should never shout at my elderly df again however stressed.

We agreed that this would be a rule in our marriage by the way. I think it would work for you too.

Your dad paid for most of the wedding and 2 months later your DH lost his temper with him for interfering. You’ve been married almost a year right?

You said he was interfering but backed off, was that your own opinion or influenced by your DH?

Is there a reason you and your DH didn’t pay for the wedding?

You haven’t given much context however whether he interfered or not I would also be asking myself theses questions;

Why did your DH say anything at all, after 2 months, and keep it secret?

Why has your dad decided to tell you, does he have concerns about how your DH treats you? Is he warning you, or was he so distressed that it still upsets him?

My DH would not dream of losing his temper with my elderly parents no matter how exasperating they are, he has too much respect.

There are a number of issues in the op, but the main one is there is only the dad's version of events.

@Han490

2 months later and he still felt angry enough to “bollock” a grown man, a grown man who paid for his wedding and apologised for overstepping. Yikes, some issues going on there. Mainly he is a raging bellend. And then telling him not to tell anyone? Because he would be scared of the consequences should that little act of Billy Big Bollocks come to light.

It’s the complete lack of respect for you or your family that would see me off.

I think it depends what the bollokcing was - was he shouting / waving hands, or was it a simple conversation your dad didn't like?

You've described your father in a way that does sound a bit pushy, as PP have said if you've been upset / moaning to DH during the wedding planning about him, then it's feeding that issue - although you've then got over it, it might have coloured your DHs view of his behaviour. You'll also have a softer view of his behaviour, he's your dad and that will colour your view, outsiders will see it differently.

Have you spoken to DH about it? What is his side of the story?

I don't think there's any sort of unwritten rule about behaviour between men and their FIL - bad behaviour should be called out from either side imo, it shouldn't just be a deferential relationship.

What are the "various reasons" your dad has decided to break his silence for potentially almost a year later? That would also impact an opinion, is he trying to get involved in something else now?

Was your dad sticking his oar in again and your DH had enough and then brought up the wedding as part of him thinking "he can't keep interfering like this on everything!"

Your loyalty should be with your husband tbh if he is a generally nice man.

Your dad doesn't get to call all the shots.

Ignore this if your husband has form for being unreasonable though, but then it begs the question why did you marry him if so?

Your loyalty should be with your husband tbh if he is a generally nice man.

Surely your loyalty is to whoever you think is in the right?

No we only have the OP’s version of events which is clearly always the case on a forum 🤔

Like other PP, I think there's possibly an incomplete story here. Without a better idea of the 'bollocking ', your father 's behaviour in the run-up to the wedding, the way your dh is to you, why your father had told you this now, etc, it's impossible to tell if this is about a bully of a husband you need to get away from, a husband who was pushed beyond his limits by your exasperatingly overbearing father, or a tale of two oversized male egos jockeying for position/control.

I think it’s really important in life to consider what motivation people have for saying or doing what they have said or done. Why did your husband have this conversation with you dad? I mean the deeper meaning as opposed to because your dad interfered. I mean you had asked him not to and he still did - 2 months after the event. Why?
But also for your dad - why tell you now? What was your dad hoping to achieve by bringing this up 12 months later? He must have known it would cause you to question your relationship - look at your husband in a different light.

It depends on so many things but the fact your DH also told him to keep silent is scarily controlling.

My ex had a pop at my Dad over a very small issue when Dad was just starting with dementia. My Dad had been very kind to him including lending him money. It was the last straw for me and I started to separate from him a month later.

The OP said her DH lost his temper with her elderly father who is a gentle man who backed down some months earlier when told he was interfering.

That’s not having a word out of concern for the OP, or protecting the OP, or a man to man chat. That’s holding on to resentment and letting it out in an uncontrolled manner and then covering it up.

I’m genuinely surprised how many people think that it is ok for a man to lose his temper with an elderly man and tell him to keep it secret, especially while accepting his money to pay for the wedding.

Even if the dad is an accomplished manipulator it does not justify the DH’s behaviour.

of course the OP can only give one side of the story. Her DH who likes to bully older people has kept this secret from her because he knows it makes him look shit. I’d be questioning my relationship. I’d also guess this isn’t the first sign you’ve seen of him being a bully.

What I mean by that is that my husband is a good man who is respectful (as is my own dad)

In a situation where (God forbid) my husband fell out with my dad and I felt my dad was in the wrong, I would work to get my dad to change his POV. Likewise if i felt my DH was in the wrong, I would work to get him to change his POV.

But then, if my dad and husband fell out, my dad certainly wouldnt be sowing seeds of discord by coming to me behind my husbands back like that. He would most likely ask to speak to us both together to clear the air and discuss things moving forward.

Who does your husband think he is, "bollocking" his elderly father in law who happened to pay for his wedding?

My MIL was a total pain when we were planning our wedding (and they didn't have any financial input) but, like any emotionally mature adult, I dealt with her demands kindly but firmly. My daughter's MIL was also quite demanding but DD dealt with her without confrontation.

You need to get to the bottom of this. Your dad may have overstepped but your husband sounds like a common or garden bully, disrespectful of your family and disrespectful of your request not to bring it up. What purpose did it serve 2 months after the event?

So he ignored your request to leave it, had a go at your DF and upset him, then asked him to say nothing. He’s a sly one, you need to think if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The swearing to secrecy is the red flag.
Deeply dodgy.

To be honest you (and we) would need to hear your DH's version before we could make any judgements.

You describe him as gentle but also pushy? If a man had posted on here that his mum had interfered in his wedding and upset his wife, but that it was ok because 'I'm her son and she just wants the best for me', he would be absolutely torn apart! (I don't even agree that he should be, it's just a funny double standard).

Also, what precipitated this confrontation? Was it out of the blue, or had your dad brought something about the wedding up? Or was he trying to interfere with something else and it triggered your husband? There are plenty of scenarios where the conversation might have started about something else and then come around to the wedding and all that simmering resentment might have come out.

I'm not saying he would have been particularly correct to do that but it might not be as black and white as your dad is suggesting.

There are plenty of posts on here from women with a litany of complaints and resentments about their in-laws, where they have been biting their tongues for a very long time. Often they then describe a moment where they crack and it all comes out. Very often, posters are supportive of them.

Ask your husband what happened and then make a judgment.

Your loyalty should be with your husband tbh if he is a generally nice man.

But her dads a nice man...

I think my husband ranting at my dad would be a relationship-ender for me.