My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

[Han490]

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

Sounds like your DH was trying to assert himself Alpha Male style over your DDad, Move over oldie, I'm the big lad now.

What a prick. And a bully.

You need to establish exactly what happened - you have one side of a story here.

I always lose a bit of respect for any adult who takes money from their parents then complains about the strings attached.

if your husband truly had an issue with your dads interference about the wedding he should have stepped up said he could accept the money and paid for the wedding himself.

it does however sound like your dad was casing stress during the wedding process. It should have been called our at the time by you both not months later.

I think your husband sounds like a bit of a spoilt jerk and your dad is a bit of a nightmare!

good luck with that.

Wow. Have you been a fiction writer long?

if my husband had "bollocked" my dad (the idea is laughable, tbh) over anything he would be for the chop.

OP, you say your dad did try to interfere, but backed off. So presumably he paid for the wedding your DH wanted in the end? Your DH is out of order because it had already been dealt with. "Bollocking" your FIL 2 months after the event? Fuck that shit.

Challenge is one thing. This sounds like something else entirely, especially when the fil in question is older, ergo at a disadvantage physically.

It is bad manners to take cash for a wedding function and not allow the giver any kind of say. I speak as someone, whose wedding was organised and paid. Such things can work splendidly if both parties respect one another. Eg dad wants aunt Marg to come. You’d never invite her if you had to pay as circumstances won’t allow but he’s ready and willing. I say crack on. He is there to enjoy his hard earned money and you your wedding.

It seems to me from your point of view your Dad is OK to be an imperfect person (pushy, upsetting your husband) but somehow it's not OK for your husband to be an imperfect person in a very similar way (pushing back, upsetting your Dad).

I think a lot of people do marry people very similar to their Dads. You might want to think about why your husband's behaviour is intolerable but your Dad's is acceptable.

I feel really sad for your dad. Your husband sounds way out of order. His behaviour is disrespectful to your dad and by extension also to you. I think I would feel that a line had been crossed. Sorry!

I think you need to get your husband's side of the story on this. Obviously, there was no need for a “bollocking” but you don't know what was or wasn't said or the context. The fact that it was two months later suggests it could have been triggered by something else e.g. If your dad is given to interfering perhaps he was interfering on something else too.

It took place at a family celebration.
No doubt drink had been taken.
No doubt your DH needed the alcohol to give him the courage to “have a word “ with an older man.
A pathetic bully.
LTB.

😆
Nuts isn't it. There's a huge amount of reaching and projecting on this thread, but that's MN for you 🙄

The husband. Can you not read?

Oh, your poor Dad. He must be so upset. You've done well not to have it out with your husband yet, OP. I'd find his disrespect to my father - who no doubt paid a fortune for the wedding out of love for you - very difficult to forgive. I'm sure your Dad will, too.

Completely! Op has posted once, and hasn't come back to even say that she's been told her husbands side or that this interaction even happened but posters have the Dh up to be tarred, feathered and divorced!

Anyone with decent reading and comprehension skills won't be able to make up their mind about who's at fault, given the ridiculously sparse information provided.

Thanks so much everyone. I've read all the replies.

Those who guessed that there's something wider going on are right. Since we got married, my husband has started to be controlling towards me about various issues. My dad was in town last week, and when I was talking alone with him, I broke down and told him about some of the things which were going on. He was concerned, and decided at that point to break his silence about that incident last summer.

It is one thing that my DH has been controlling towards me. But another thing that he has been like this towards my father.

My DH is often confrontational with me and raises his voice. So the behaviour isn't unusual for him. But I didn't think he'd ever be like this with my family.

I have now told most of my immediate family about DH's general behaviour. I had been keeping it hidden - and had thought they'd be surprised when I told them because he's so charming and friendly to them. But actually, they say that when they think about it, it fits, because they have seen signs (e.g. this one about the wedding).

I am not telling my DH I know, because a) my dad promised him not to tell, and b) I don't really want my DH knowing that I've been discussing things with my parents at this point.

I'm so glad I spoke to family, otherwise I may never have discovered this incident. And I'm so glad I know.

If I did speak to my DH about it, I imagine he'd say 'it wasn't a big deal, I was just making my point known, I'm a lawyer and so I like to be robust...'

So are you planning on leaving him @Han490, it sounds like marriage must be awful as you've confirmed he's a terrible bully. The longer you're with him I imagine it'll be harder to leave?

You can’t stay with a controlling bully. Are you making plans to leave him?

Please leave this aggressive and controlling man.

Thank you for the update. I think you are right not to tell your husband as he will just gaslight you, as you have said. I hope you are strong enough to make an exit plan, and in the meantime if you are still having sex make sure your contraception is robust x

Well given the bigger picture he doesn't sound like a good prospect. Cut your losses and start afresh without a hectoring, controlling bully. Sounds like you have a supportive family which is great. Just imagine how much lighter you'll feel without someone having a go at you all the time. Ignore the crap about 'I'm a lawyer so I get to pick holes constantly and am right about everything'. It's nonsense. He needs to learn to control his own behaviour, not other people around him.

Since we got married, my husband has started to be controlling towards me about various issues

Could see that coming - the reason they aren’t surprised is because it’s very clear when men are like this - outsiders see it.

So now you have to keep secrets - I don’t blame you - however this is another slippery slope - how many lies are you telling on his behalf? How many excuses have you given to his behaviour?

It’s just a shame that it’s taken him treating your dad badly for you to take action rather than when he was treating you badly. Moving forward remember you deserve better.

OP whatever happens with your DH make sure that you keep a dialogue with your family. It sounds like they love you and have your back and men like this like to try and cut their partners off from other support.

I hope that you can figure out a way out of this situation.

It is one thing that my DH has been controlling towards me. But another thing that he has been like this towards my father.
No dear, a good husband would never be controlling towards you. I'm so sorry you've married a bad man, but be pleased you know now. Take your essentials when he isn't looking, move to your parents or a friend's for a while and divorce him as fast as you can. You will only have a happy life if you are away from this man as quickly as possible and with no children to tie you to him.

I'm glad that your family are now aware. I'm sure they're relieved that you've now recognised this man for who he is. It's now time to plan to leave him. Wishing you all the best with that.