My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

[Han490]

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

Aww, the red flags were clear. You really need to get away from this man, start getting your ducks in a row. Thank goodness you have the support of your wider family.

Thank you :) I posted because this incident with my dad just seemed particularly shocking and appalling to me, and I wanted to get a feel for whether others would feel the same.

I know I need to take action.

Good luck op. Thank goodness you were able to talk to your dad and your family.

Good luck Op - so glad you've got your family. I'd get out sooner than later if you feel strong enough.

So really you already knew that your husband had changed & you need to separate?

You can divorce him after a year.

As a lawyer, he'll know that.

Good luck OP

So if I have my timeline right, you've been married about a year, give or take ('last summer'+ two months)?

Now is the time to leave, before you've invested anything more into this abusive relationship. Sounds as if you've a supportive family and a caring dad, I'm sure they'll welcome you with open arms and help you sort things out.

Whatever you do, keep on top of your contraception!! Take no chances on getting pregnant. When (and I do hope it's 'when') you leave this man it will be a clean break and you'll never have to see him again (been there, done that, thanked God!). With a child, he'll be in your life until one of you dies. And a controlling husband invariably becomes a controlling EX-husband who manipulates and uses any DC to injure the woman who 'dared' to leave them.

This 100%

So your father told you after you had broken down.

Your fathers loyalty is to you and not the bully you married.

Well done for trusting your loving family.

You are correct in keeping your powder dry.

Get organised and get the hell out.

Hopefully you are not the OP who recently married the lawyer who is buying a house with a shady man who has shown he is a not to be trusted and expects her to do any child raising as he is too busy and important.

A good man would no more dream of being aggressive to a loving father, even one who was a bit pushy over his darling daughters wedding that he was funding.

A good man wouldn't dream months later of going against his wives wishes and having a go at his FIL at another gathering.

Sorry OP but you have married a thug and your family must be aghast.

Don't drag it out.

Be glad you know and have support.

Make your plans quietly.

it's good that your family know - you will have their support when you leave, right?

@Han490

im glad you've spoken to your family & it sounds like you'd have plenty of support should you decide to leave your 'DH'.

As I said earlier, I know it wouldn't be easy to leave I'd feel embarassed at leaving so early in the marriage & think others might think I hadn't 'tried', but from the outside it's easy to see how silly that is. Your 'DH' is a controlling bully, who over rides you & does as he pleases. There's no way I'd stay if he treat my Dad like that though. He'd be unbearable if you had children. Id implore you to get out before it gets any worse (& it will) xx

The reason he did that was to mark his territory and put your father in his place.

There was literally nothing else to be gained.

Thank your lucky stars you haven't wasted years on this prick and allowed him to diminish you to a complying husk.

Ah, OP, thank goodness you don't have children with this man so can make a complete break and never have to set eyes on him again after leaving. It sounds like marrying him was a mistake, but no matter, it's one that can be rectified and leave you free from what sounds like a nasty bully.

I'll bet your parents don't want to spend their later years worrying about you being in a miserable marriage, and if they're anything like mine, they wouldn't care if you'd left your marriage after a week, if it meant escaping from an abusive one. They would just want for you to be happy.

Best of luck in moving forward from this.

Your husband is a twat. And why didn't he pay for it?

LTB.

Keep talking to your family. Don't feel ashamed or think that you need to protect them from your unhappiness. They have your back and they can help you out of this situation. Wishing you the best. x

Oh dear @Han490, I'm so sorry you are in such a distressing situation. It's great you have such support from your family and also advise you to secretly remove important documents from your home to a secure place of safety (eg marriage certificate, passport, birth certificate) and start, when safe, ensuring your finances are safe (eg that he can't clear out your bank accounts) thus leaving you in financial difficulty. Quietly Change your beneficiary on your employer death in benefits scheme and, further down the line, change your Will plus beneficiaries for your occupational pension. Ensure you have a very good family law/divorce solicitor.

Stay safe and Good luck for the future. 🌹

Hi @EveSix, what you said here really struck a chord with me:

For years, I viewed ex-P through some kind of inclusivity lens -really, I was making excuses: he was short-tempered (passionate), threatening (protective and able to set boundaries), held grudges (principled), obsessive (focussed), entitled (sure of his worth), intimidating (wouldn't let a person's stature or circumstance get in the way of 'airing' a grievance, so, by extension, 'fair-minded'), and so on. I'd never had a close familial or romantic relationship with someone who held such different values, and it was a massive blind spot.

thank you.

Solicitor and a bully? I feel for you, there’s a difficult road ahead of you. If you decide to leave, make sure you bore him to death so he lets you leave in peace.

Move fast 12 months in and no kids should be easy to sort generally leave with what u brought and 1/2 of anything joint in last 12 months
no arguing over pensions and prev assets
Clean bleak and don’t look back

there is not rule about not telling people off when they get "pushy" with you so it really depends how bad your father is

Nothing to say but good luck OP.

Your 'H' left your gentle natured elderly father shaken? YABVVVVVVU to stay with this bully. LTB LTB LTB LTB LTB LTB

Haven’t read all the replies. My first thought after reading the original post was, so you’ve married a complete bell end.