My husband bollocked my Dad two months after our wedding

[Han490]

I recently found out that, at a big family event last summer, my husband took my dad to one side and completely bollocked him. At this point, we had been married for two months.

My dad is in his 70s, and is a gentle and sensitive man who doesn't like conflict. He has tried really hard to welcome my husband into the family.

The confrontation was about our wedding two months before. My husband thought my dad had interfered too much with the wedding plans. My husband lost his temper and was confrontational. My dad said he kept calm at the time, but was shaken afterwards. My husband asked my dad to promise not to tell anyone else about their 'conversation'. But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

It is true that my dad did try to interfere with wedding plans, but not in a major way - and when he realised it was too much, he said sorry and backed away. Sometimes he can get carried away, thinking he's 'trying to help' - when to others it comes across as pushy. But also, I'm his daughter, and he wanted it to be a special day for me. My parents had paid for most of the wedding.

Before this happened, my husband said he wanted to 'have a word' with my dad about the wedding planning interference. I told him not to, because it would be upsetting.

I am feeling so horrified that this happened and I feel angry. Is it not an unwritten rule that men should not behave like this towards their father-in-law? Has anyone else had to deal with conflict between your DH and FiL? Is it understandable to feel really upset about this?

I haven't told my husband I know this.

You need to get your husband's version as this could go either way, your meddling dad is stirring again or your husband is an aggressive arse. There's no way to tell which it is from what you've written here.

Oh god, he’s not trying to assert some kind of masculine authority now that your ‘his’ woman, is he?

Establishing his place at the top of the pecking order like some kind of silverback gorilla, then realising he might get into trouble, so asking your dad not to tell anyone, because deep down, despite the dick-swinging, he’s a total fanny.

I’m cringing for him.

Your husband should be on your team, not going behind your back and verbally abusing your family. I can't get my head around the purpose of the telling off apart from to make your DH feel like the big man.

Have you married your father, OP?
They sound potentially very similar.

I agree.

This

@Han490 you know your dad and your DH.

Have you reason to believe that your dad is telling you the truth? Is his version of events credible? If my dad told me this it I know it would be way out of character for my DH but then I also know that my dad would never embellish a story.

You need to ask your DH his version.

So you both accepted your parents paying for the majority of the wedding and then got arsey when they wanted a say in how that money should be spent.
Your dh is in the wrong.
If you didn’t want your parents having a say, then you should have refused their contribution.

It’s unrealistic to expect this man, who does not cope well with conflict, to address an issue directly with his SIL who has previously been confrontational and compelled his FIl to keep the conversation a secret (because he knows it reflects very poorly on him). Obviously he’s not going to do it. That doesn’t mean he should suffer in silence. Otherwise we are saying that victims of bullying should only speak out if they are confident enough to do so directly in the presence of their bully. Obviously that’s ridiculous. Speaking out is not “sowing seeds of discord”.

I think you need the other side of the story.

Was it aggressive and out of the blue? Did your dad maybe say/do something at the event that made your DH think he couldn't hold it in any longer?

Obviously if it was aggressive and uncalled for, then totally not ok. You need to speak to your DH and get his version of events.

You only have one side. You don't know what happened. If this is completely out of character for your husband then I would think carefully before you just believe your dad. While you say he is a kind considerate person, you also say other people think he is pushy. There are always two sides so speak to your husband. If it's true, particularly the keep quiet bit then you have a serious husband problem. But be prepared to hear a different story.

The fact that he made your Dad promise not to tell anyone shows that he is a coward as well as an unpleasant person.

Obviously, you need your husbands side of the story.
But based on what you have said OP on the face of it, the fact you asked him not to say anything and he ignored you would be a no-no.
The fact he asked your Dad not to say anything is not good.

You absolutely dont stand by your man just because hes your husband, you take in both sides and sit with the side who is right.

I do not have anyone shouting or being disrespectful to anyone in our family, no matter who they are.

I'm not saying he should suffer in silence, but we don't have the full story, neither does the OP because she's not even brought it up with her DH!

For all we know, her dad could have form for interfering every minute of every day and her husband had enough! For instance, her husband could've been washing up and his FIlL came out and started meddling saying "don't do it like that, use less liquid, don't put the plates on the drier like that, do it like this. Thats not right, we do it this way etc". If his FIL did that every time he was doing something, it could wear pretty thin and he'd had enough. So maybe he brought up the wedding as part of a wider discussion on stopping interfering and her dad's not liked being called out on it.

OP, you need to give more info. Why haven't you brought this up with your husband? Did your dad tell you to keep quiet too?

I think some clarity on what the "bollocking" consisted of is needed.
Was he simply just saying "that's enough, don't do it again". Perhaps not wanting him to be constantly pushy in your marriage?
As PPs have said you need to get both sides. It may be that your Dad is shocked someone stood up to his interfering tendencies.

The most telling thing is that he told your dad not to say anything. He knows what he did was wrong. It doesn’t sound like a case of just asserting himself- the time for that had passed, you asked him it to say anything etc. It sounds like he lost his temper.

He sounds like a bully. Has he ever been like that with yo?

Your dad backed off with the wedding planning when asked, sounds like he didn't make a fuss so why did he feel the need to confront him? Especially in such a way. If you trust your dad and that his account is accurate I'd definitely talk to your DH (bearing in mind he might get angry so please do make sure you're safe) and hear his side, but I'd be furious.

Get both sides of the story, what caused and what was said including about the nature of the end of it - an apology from your husband and then “you won’t tell Han490 will you?” Is different to an aggressive threat “if you tell..”

Then assess again.

But for various reasons, my dad has recently broken his silence on it and told me.

Why now? Has he started to show his true colours to you also OP? He sounds like a major twat and a bully. I would be fucking FURIOUS about this and it would be a gamechanger for me.

This. My Dad can also be interfering and annoying but he's my Dad and I love him. Husband needs to speak to ME if Dad is in the wrong and I'll deal with it.

Even if the dad in question is pushy this is not how adult people behave. "Bollocking" him? Seriously?

I would find it really upsetting if my DH did this to my Dad.

dacadactyl, your comment about loyalty feels really skewed and tribal. Loyalty, when thought of in these terms, is what perpetuates -not deescalates- conflict, sustains enablers of abusive relationships and is found at the heart of honour-based violence against women and girls. You never owe anyone loyalty. Loyalty ceases the moment someone loses integrity and does something you can't respect.

OP, you are getting a lot of excellent feedback. You will have a gut feeling about what's what, and it'll be right. The fact that you are asking on MN makes me worried that you have some level of cognitive dissonance where your husband is concerned and have been subtly conditioned to mistrust your own perception of how he interacts or behaves.

I was with someone for a long time who was very different to me; I am quite easy going, trusting by choice, like to see the best in people and definitely up for constructive conflict resolution which preserves each party's dignity and worth. For years, I viewed ex-P through some kind of inclusivity lens -really, I was making excuses: he was short-tempered (passionate), threatening (protective and able to set boundaries), held grudges (principled), obsessive (focussed), entitled (sure of his worth), intimidating (wouldn't let a person's stature or circumstance get in the way of 'airing' a grievance, so, by extension, 'fair-minded'), and so on. I'd never had a close familial or romantic relationship with someone who held such different values, and it was a massive blind spot. It was just so alien to me that someone could wilfully behave so badly, and actually feel pretty fine about it. What you're describing is exactly the sort of thing he would have done, and if I'd taken my 'I respect his right to manage his own conduct'-goggles off and challenged him, he would have turned it around on me and accused me of being judgemental and 'trying to tell him what to do'. Some very uncomfortable years, and real damage done to friendships and relationships. I'm so glad I finally listened to the few people who did try to tell me he was a wrongun.

What will family gatherings and celebrations look like now that this dynamic is in place? I think your dad is trying to open a conversation with you, and that he's worried about how your husband is treating you.

I agree but a bollocking is subjective.

One man's bollocking is another man's "being spoken to about an issue, when no one has ever stood up to him before"

You need the other side of the story OP. You’ll already know if this sounds like something your DH would do or if totally out of character for him.

My take on it is if your dad was paying for the wedding, you have to put up with a certain amount of pushiness, otherwise tell your dad you’ll pay for your own wedding thank you.