Should I Move In With Him

[AlyssaA]

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

Thank you for your words. Bf told me I’m lucky to have him as few men would put up with me.
my son lives 11 hours away but there are some groups I can join if I muster the confidence. My church community is good too.

Yessss, good for you!
The man is abusive, no two ways about it.

I will re-read all these posts if I start losing the courage to end it as they give me the fuel I need

You're 45, you don't need anyone to guide and protect you.

He doesn't like your son. Your son doesn't like him, something he has good reason to not least because he's seen you in tears, tears which this man has bought you to.

Why on earth do you want to be with a man who makes you cry? Instead of moving in with him, end the relationship and don't look back.

If you're so terrible that few men would put up with you, why is your BF with you? The answer isn't that he's a saint, it's that he's talking rubbish, trying to belittle you and reduce your self-esteem so you think that you will never find anyone else to put up with you.

He's foul.

I can't even believe you can't see what he's doing.

BPD is bullshit by the way. I’ve been diagnosed with it myself.

I’ve met dozens of fellow ‘borderliners’ and not one single one of us didn’t have some kind of childhood trauma or abuse. BPD diagnosis is a way of shutting women up.

I would forget the BPD diagnosis and start looking into therapy for past trauma.

My BPD doesn’t make me a monster. I don’t fly into rages or act batsh*t crazy. It’s just his default statement for anything I bring up with him that I’m unhappy about. He’s told me before if there’s things I don’t like, I must find someone else because he’s happy with who he is and he’s confident and can get another woman easily. I have broken up twice before and he’s pulled me back in, but this time I won’t go back.

Well done OP. If you ever have a wobble about taking him back then re read this thread and post here again. Dont let the highs (him being nice/kind) blind you to the lows (him being abusive). He is incapable of being nice long term, and you do deserve someone who is constantly nice to you.

Same. He sounds like an arsehole.

Good

And I hope you do go for counselling

Can I ask why you don't take your prescribed medication? Surely it's prescribed for a reason?

You are doing the right thing to break up with him. Stay strong!

As soon as you dump his abusive arse, get yourself some counselling

I completely agree you can't be in a relationship with someone who dislikes your son! No matter how old! Then the rest just well is horrifying- do not move in, end it before he takes any more of your life!

I do take medication if prescribed. But what I was meaning is I don’t have some addiction to prescription pills for example pain killers which can make people unstable

Thank you all you ladies who have taken the time to comment and help and for any useful links sent

I hope you sort this and move on to better things.You deserve better,remember that.You don't need this man to be happy,you'll be much happier on your own.I'm sure your son will be over the moon too.Good luck.

Thank you for your encouragement. He once said I need him because I’m too soft and people will take advantage of that, but he doesn’t acknowledge that he walks over me too

Tell him you have managed this long without him so you'll probably be ok

They put you down to make you feel worthless and that you start to think it's you.Move on,find yourself again and watch your confidence come back.Value your worth.

No no no
if you live with him , he will get even worse
stop allowing anyone to treat you so poorly it’s not ok
why do you think you deserve to be treated like shit ?
step away and find someone kind

I literally only read to the part where you said he doesnt like your son and thought what a horrible man. If someone did not like my son they dont get to be in my life.