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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Move In With Him

221 replies

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 07:20

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2023 14:42

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. Your childhood set you up and otherwise taught you to accept an abusive marriage and this poor dynamic continues to this very day with this man now.

His tears are a part of his emotional manipulation of you, he is neither sorry or remorseful. He targeted you deliberately to abuse further.

thesunsoutagain · 20/05/2023 14:48

My ex cried and threw himself on the floor saying he'd kill himself when I said I was leaving him and three months later he was going out with other women. Don't believe his dramatic behaviours. It's emotional blackmail

Also, think what kind of life you want for yourself and think what kind of life you'll have with this man. Think what it will be like in 5 then 10 years time. You don't want to be a carer to a cantankerous controlling bullying old man who treats you like dirt

Pashazade · 20/05/2023 14:55

The tears are manipulation, crocodile tears that he's losing his latest victim. Turn to your family, your friends, your church get them to support you. Leave him please.

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 15:13

Oh please OP, he is a nasty bullying man.

Your son rightly doesn't like him.

Don't make a bad decision you will bitterly regret.

He is a bad man.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be worth doing.

You deserve better than an old loser.

He's looking for a nurse to bully.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

rwalker · 20/05/2023 15:16

No
the only reason it’s sort of is ok now is because you have your own space

Yetisrus · 20/05/2023 18:59

The more I read your posts OP the more I see my ex in your bf. Please leave now. Mine disliked some of my friends, I ended up only having friends that were joint friends. Looking back he could control the friendships as we only saw them together.

My ex used to cry when he had hit me then he would turn it round so it was my fault as I was stupid or moronic. He also watched porn every day. He also turned round and said no one would protect me like he did.

You deserve so much better than this lowlife of a man.

shelbabab · 20/05/2023 19:36

Do not move in with him. It will then get worse!

Get rid quickly. Life's too short. 10yrs time u cld end up a carer in ur mid 50's to an abusive man!

Channellingsophistication · 20/05/2023 19:43

you really deserve so much more than this man honestly you really do.

He is a manipulative bully. It feels like because he’s not horrible ALL the time then that seems to be ok.. but its not…

crazylady121 · 20/05/2023 19:43

I don't think you need to be told no do not move in.There's a list of negatives.Will cause further problems if he doesn't like your son.You've problems before you are under same roof.No don't do it .

sudpralad · 20/05/2023 20:50

Hell no

icelolly12 · 20/05/2023 20:55

Walking on eggshells in your own home is a form of torture. Please leave this man.

StrawberryWasp · 20/05/2023 20:55

Oh you poor thing how sad to read.

He'd horribly warped and nasty.

Don't move in with him. Move on and build your strength.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 01:33

Thank you for this. He says I’m the one with problems and has called me things like toxic, vile, effed in the head. Says he’s never dated someone so high maintenance as me. I asked why does he want me then and he said the good outweighs the bad. As to be being high maintenance - I’ve only ever complained about his porn viewing and keeping in comms with ex girlfriends

OP posts:
TheHandmaiden · 21/05/2023 01:55

He's totally projecting and this is all designed to keep you right where you are.

He is treating you badly, and he is happy with that. Why would he want to change this - and I hope you can get away from this man.

suburbophobe · 21/05/2023 02:05

I thought no as soon as you said he doesn't like your son, then the rest just got worse.

My thoughts exactly.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 04:25

My son can be disrespectful towards me but he works hard and pays his bills. Just because he’s not going to university like my bf’s children did, he acts like he’s inferior

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 05:20

All I can add is for me it’s hard to look at certain behaviour as unacceptable in a relationship versus what is normal. Do all relationships experience these things of moods and swearing etc. I have asked myself many times if I’m overreacting or it’s my fault. I look at his nice sides and the good times and then excuse the bad points reasoning to myself that he must love me. Thanks everyone for your input

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 05:55

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse? If so, could you show them what you've written here and ask them what they think?

BarleySugars · 21/05/2023 06:04

AnnWithoutAnnie · 20/05/2023 07:36

Read your own post as if someone else had written it.

my 'off the cuff' answer when I read your title was 'if you need to ask, no'

now having read your post I've changed my mind...

*FUCK NO! Ditch the twat!!'

This 1000%!

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 06:19

I don’t think I need a psychiatrist. A therapist for counselling yes. If I didn’t struggle, I wouldn’t be on this forum

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 21/05/2023 06:22

He says I’m the one with problems and has called me things like toxic, vile, effed in the head. Says he’s never dated someone so high maintenance as me.

Its obvious to everyone, including you, that nobody would ever date someone who they truly considered to be toxic, vile, fucked in the head and incredibly high maintenance.

I asked why does he want me then and he said the good outweighs the bad.

What does he actually mean by this though? What are your “good” qualities that are so compelling that he is also willing to put up with “toxic, vile and fucked in the head”? Kindness? Generosity? Intelligence? Beauty? Sexual availability? Willingness to forgive and forget repeatedly?How can someone be kind and also toxic? Generous and vile? Intelligent and fucked in the head?

What he’s saying makes no sense at all. It’s totally inconsistent. You can’t think a person has some truly terrible qualities and then some also amazing qualities that more than balance the bad ones out. He’s just saying this to fuck with your head.

Don’t waste any more time trying to make sense of this. IT DOESN’T AND NEVER WILL. It’s manipulative bullshit designed to destroy your self-esteem and keep you locked in a relationship with this absolute dumpster fire of a man.

To be clear, calling your partner vile and toxic is a relationship-ending statement. If you’re the one making it, you should dump the vile and toxic person immediately and never look back. If you’re the one being called vile and toxic, you should leave immediately. If you’re confused in any way about whether you truly are vile and toxic, you should seek counseling, either to deal with your toxicity or (far more likely) to understand how you ended up in a relationship with an abuser and how to avoid repeating it.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 06:37

I would be interested to read what others partners or husbands are like just to better gauge what should and shouldn’t be tolerated

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 21/05/2023 06:38

OP I think this would be a huge mistake unfortunately.

He is likely to be very set in his ways and once you move in after a short while I can see this only getting worse.

Having some good moments doesn't replace him treating you like crap the other times. You deserve more than this. Will your son be even allowed to visit you?

daisychain01 · 21/05/2023 06:44

How will it help you, genuine question.

This excuse of a man is a monster, you need to get away from him before he destroys your self-esteem. None of the posters on here would tolerate your description of his behaviours, that's your starting point. There are too many examples of his appalling behaviour to have a viable relationship with him.

i would recommend that you try some RW counselling - if you're unable to discern unacceptable behaviour for yourself, it could be you have had a damaged past and need some focussed time with a professional.

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