Should I Move In With Him

[AlyssaA]

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

Do all relationships experience these things of moods and swearing etc.

Healthy loving relationships will not habitually experience moods and swearing, especially if the moods and swearing are directed and targeted at the partner in the relationship.

If you're having to put up with that, it's because you don't believe you're worth being treated well. You're settling for less that you deserve, when what you could be doing is making a life for yourself that doesn't rely on believing a bloke can bring you fulfilment especially when they are falling well short of the mark.

I would be interested to read what others partners or husbands are like just to better gauge what should and shouldn’t be tolerated

You're continuing your first mistake, which is to use other people as a benchmark for your own life.

• Do you like being lectured?
• Do you like it when your partner gets snappy with you for not following his advice?
• Do you like it when he repeatedly brings up your past mistakes?
• Do you like it when he raises his voice at you and criticises you?
• Do you like it when he stonewalls you for days for standing up for yourself?
• Do you think you deserve to be told to shut the fuck up?
• Do you feel loved and respected when you are being told you are stupid, moronic and childish?
• Do you feel secure in your relationship when he looks at porn daily?
• Do you feel your sexual needs are being met in the relationship?
• Is it comfortable to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him?
• Do you honestly think healthy, happy, mutually respectful, loving relationships contain all, many or even any of the above behaviours?

You already know the answers to these questions. The relationship is not working for YOU. So, end it.

If 25 people come along and say "Oh yes, my husband/boyfriend sounds very similar to yours but he is what he is and I comfort myself with the thought that he doesn't beat me" are you truly going to think, "Well, I guess this is fine then... even though it doesn't feel all that fine to me"?

End the relationship

Do not get back with him whatever he says

Do not answer the door to him and block him on all apps

He is not a good person

He can visit but there would be little if any interaction between the two of them. I don’t think my son would want to visit. Last time they were in each others company they got into an argument because my son was sticking up for me. My bf then went on to tell me I’ve done an atrocious job raising my son.

You are in the cycle of abuse (look it up and you will find it familiar). He sounds like an absolute scum bag and you really should raise your standards and know that you deserve better.

I once asked why his wife left him. They were married 18 years. He says he doesn’t know. He was a good husband and father and never hurt her or strayed. It’s been 20 years now split from her and he hasn’t had a long term meaningful relationship since.

Once when I told him his porn upsets me as he neglects me over it and looks at lady boys, he told me it’s normal and 99% of people view it. He told me to stop trying to change him and not be a c*t about it. I told him that’s a terrible word and he simply said well stop being a c*t then.

If mine is unhappy with a decision I've made, we'll discuss it, and vice versa, like adults with no insults or raised voices.

Occasionally we'll get frustrated with one another but we'll just take ourselves away for 10 minutes quiet and get over it.

Ultimately, you deserve someone who treats you with the same respect as you treat them with.

Would you be happy with your son being in a relationship like yours? If the answers no, you shouldn't accept it for yourself either.

You can give us any number of examples

It won't make any difference

Leave him, do not go back to him no matter what he says, block him

Set a good example to your son

Does the fact that so many of us who have replied to your original post have said do not move in with him and that he sounds horrible and abusive not tell you that this isn’t the way most men behave or how most relationships are or what most women have to put up with?

I've been married 25 years. My h has NEVER sworn at me or been abusive to me. That's what's normal in a relationship - or it should be.

Any one I'd the things you mention would be enough for me to dump your p - and his attitude to your ds is really important. Put your ds first. And yourself. Dump your bf.

He told you that your son was poorly raised because your son defended you!!!!! Honestly this should say it all.
Decent people discuss things when they have a problem, yes occasionally things may get heated but you never swear and you never belittle. He is in the wrong here, his behaviour is atrocious and I'm willing to bet he was a nightmare to his first wife and she stuck it out for the kids.
Please kick him to the curb you deserve so much more.

This can't be real?? Surely you don't think this is normal?

I’ve been with my DP for 8 years and to say the least there has been a lot of tough life events for him..alcohol problems being the main one. It has been hard! We were both in our early 20s when we met and now I’m not sure the relationship is enough or what I want anymore. The first few years of our relationship were based around a lot of alcohol, socialising and great sex..it was fun and I felt loved and happy until having a drink together was no longer an option. Dp realised this a few years ago.

Now I’m noticing issues in our relationship that I didn’t think we had, I no longer feel like he emotionally opens up or we physically connect. (Usually he was always intoxicated when this happened before.) for example.. he never gives me a kiss on the lips, I need to kiss him and it feels awkward and unwanted, and there’s barley any physical contact outside the bedroom. Our relationship has become quite immature in terms of a sexual/intimate relationship. I find it embarrassing to use any sort of sexual language and it’s just all a bit awkward - for years it was always great when there was alcohol involved. I’m a very sexual person and no longer feel desired or wanted which is really knocking my confidence in the relationship. He definitely loves me, he seems to find it hard showing it - when sober. At the moment he’s recovering from a major surgery so I don’t expect anything just now of course. I am really missing how connected we use to feel. We’ve had numerous discussions and he said he’s going to try his best..but I just don’t think he’s got it in him to be what I want or need now. I feel like I’m no longer attracted to him emotionally.

Recently I’ve been in contact with a male friend from years ago.. (something I’ve never done in any relationship so I know things aren’t right between me and DP.)We have always got on well and there is a lot of chemistry between us..he’s always popped up in my head every so often..he’s told me he’s always thought about me and was gutted when I got into a relationship and is super keen..he’s older and seems like he’s everything I want in a relationship and he would like to see where things go when he’s home from working abroad in January. I have stopped contact with him in the last week as the guilt was eating away at me. He was very understanding about everything and hopes we can make a go of things when he’s home..I can’t stop thinking about him and wish we were speaking!!

I really don’t know what to do..give DP a chance and see how things go until the end of the year ? If I’m not happy then leave ? I will find it very hard to leave as he’s a bit of a loner and I’m all he really has (he isn’t close to his family) and he’s trying his best. I just don’t know if it’s for me anymore but I’m also terrified of taking a massive risk..for my life and DP’s life. But then again, I’m worried incase the grass isn’t greener and I’m fantasising about this friend..although he/I do think there ie potential between us.

Any sort of clarity would be great, I’m in a state of permanent confusion at the moment! 😩the thought of walking away from DP is excruciating but also the thought of not seeing where things could go with the old friend is bothering me…

@Summer1992 - I think you need to start your own thread.

Thanks.. I have now. New to this 😅

Hi @AlyssaA I haven't read any responses but have read all of your posts.

I could feel anger growing in my chest reading them. Your vile bf is abusing you. There's a long list of ways he's doing that in your posts. Just to pick on a few...

When your son defends you, he says you've done an atrocious job raising him. Do you think that's true? I think when an adult son defends their parent who is being abused, it reflects very well on the son.

Your bf doesn't like your son because he's on your 'side'. Because he's defended you. Because he sees the bf for what he really is - a bullying cruel man, and he hates to see his mum treated this way. Your bf would be happier if you never saw your son again. Because he doesn't want you to have support and love. He wants you to be unhappy, weak, downtrodden, in his full control.

He called you a c*t. If anyone ever called me that I would walk away and never have contact with them again. Your bf / partner is meant to be the person who has your back, supports you, defends you. Whereas your bf is the one doing all the attacking. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks you're a c*t and is happy to say so?

He controls you with mood swings. He calls you names. He swears and shouts. He insults and criticises.

And amongst all of this, you think it might be your fault. Why do you think that? Because he's told you it is. But apply some logic..... does anyone else in your life swear and shout and call you names? Your son has seen him in action and knows the truth - your bf is an abuser. He isn't capable of a proper respectful relationship.

This isn't your fault. You're with a man who is abusive. He enjoys having control of you. He enjoys belittling and upsetting and weakening you. Some people are just like that. You'll never understand them, so don't try. Just accept he's defective and leave him, and never look back. Your son will be thrilled. You'll get stronger the longer you're away from him.

In answer to some of your recent questions.... no, not all partners can be like that. It isn't 'normal' for men to watch porn every day. It isn't normal for men to call their other half names, to belittle and criticise. And you know what - even if it was 'normal' that doesn't mean you should put up with something that makes you unhappy.

In a good relationship, there is no belittling, aggression, critisicm. You have each others' backs. You support, love, care, defend. Make each other happy.

You deserve that. You won't get it from him. Because that isn't what he wants to do.

Exactly.

I just find it so worrying that there are women out there willing to put up with this. Know your worth!

I can be hard work sometimes because of the impact of trauma. I've had therapy and done a lot of work on myself. 95% of the time, I'm OK. The other 5%, I'm probably a bit of a nightmare. Sometimes it can go on for a couple of weeks. I just withdraw massively.

During these times, he kind of acts like it isn't happening. He ignores the withdrawal. Still holds me, still tells me he loves me. He never punishes me for it.

He asks if I'm OK which is his way of telling me he knows I'm struggling but he doesn't push it when I say I'm fine. We both know I'm not but he also knows it means I'm not ready to talk yet. When I am, he listens without prejudice. If its something he's inadvertently done that has triggered it, he doesn't do it again.

He's never rude to me, never raises his voice, never calls me names, never throws anything back in my face. He never puts me down and always raises me up. Nothing he does comes with strings attached.

He treats my children (24 and 17) with love. He's supportive of them. As I am with his.

He doesn't make me feel inadequate or 'less than'. He tells me I'm beautiful (I'm not).

He keeps respectful communication with his ex wife but no others. I have no idea if he watches porn. I haven't asked but I see no evidence of it so, even if he does, it's not an issue in the relationship. He's not disrespectful of me where other women are concerned.

Is he perfect? No. Of course not. But, in all the ways that count, he's perfect for me.

Because I’m a Borderliner and like to have reassurance and security it annoys him. He says I’m too clingy and intense just because I like affection. I like to know I’m wanted. But because I have the diagnosis of BPD, he blames everything on my mental health. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs even prescribed. I hold down a job in age care and disability support. My home is clean. My friends are decent. My church is decent.
When we hadn’t long started dating he was telling me to kick my son out because he could be disrespectful and didn’t help around the house. Yes my son took liberties but he worked and paid board and wasn’t sitting home getting high or anything bad. There’s no ways I was going to kick him out with nowhere to go.
He doesn’t have empathy or compassion regarding anyone in my life.

Leave him, do not go back to him no matter what he says, block him everywhere

Set a good example to your son

My DH doesn't insult me or tell me I have character flaws.
He is also predictable in his responses to things, never causing me to be anxious or tread on eggshells around him.
He loves my children and doesn't see them as a threat.
He does half the house work and cooking.
We decide together what we're going to spend money on.
He doesn't go off in a huff.
He treats me with respect.

No. He’s not your dad, although he could be.

But OP it's irrelevant in a way to know what other women's partners are like.
You've been told over and over that yours is vile and that you need to get rid of him.
You're still trying to analyze him and find reasons to stay together.

HE IS ABUSIVE.
Get rid of him.
You deserve better.

Eh? He sounds awful. I don't understand why you're overthinking this and kind of arguing about it.

I mean sure, if you want to be miserable, go ahead.