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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Move In With Him

221 replies

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 07:20

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/05/2023 12:44

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:42

My son does not like him. He’s seen me in tears too many times.

Your son is probably distressed by your distress and wants to protect you from this man.

crew2022 · 20/05/2023 12:47

Do not move in with him.
Finish with him.

pinkyredrose · 20/05/2023 12:48

Why the hell would you want to stay with someone who treats you like crap?

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:59

I guess I’ve stayed for the good moments because he can be really good. It’s just when he gets mad, he’s really nasty but has a way of making me believe I’m to blame

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:03

Why are you even asking?

Macaroni46 · 20/05/2023 13:03

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:42

My son does not like him. He’s seen me in tears too many times.

Your poor son! Please listen to him.

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 13:06

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:59

I guess I’ve stayed for the good moments because he can be really good. It’s just when he gets mad, he’s really nasty but has a way of making me believe I’m to blame

A few good moments do not make up for aggression, rudeness and violence, OP.

THE HILLS ARE OVER THERE

Darkandstormynite · 20/05/2023 13:37

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:59

I guess I’ve stayed for the good moments because he can be really good. It’s just when he gets mad, he’s really nasty but has a way of making me believe I’m to blame

Good moments are used to train you OP. Very much like training a dog. If you consistently hit and mistreat a dog, first chance it gets it will run away. If you hit the dog, then later pat the dog and give it a treat, it learns that if it puts up with the bad stuff it may get the reward.

You are being trained to put up with abuse. A loving supportive relationship does not look like this. I suspect you're being lined up to be his carer as he gets older, so he needs to get you trained to put up with anything.

Darkandstormynite · 20/05/2023 13:41

I'm not saying that is how you would normally train a dog btw! we used cuddles and lovely treats for our two!!

pictoosh · 20/05/2023 13:41

"If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually."

It's in the OP! Of course you shouldn't move in with him! OF COURSE YOU SHOULDN'T!

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:43

He told me I should be grateful to have him looking out for me because other people will use me and abuse me, but if he’s around, he will prevent that

OP posts:
pictoosh · 20/05/2023 13:45

And 18 years your senior too! Aw fuck no...unless caring for a horrible old man is something you aspire to.
Don't see the appeal myself.

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 13:45

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:43

He told me I should be grateful to have him looking out for me because other people will use me and abuse me, but if he’s around, he will prevent that

He'll prevent other people doing it so it's easier for him to because he'll become your only support

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:45

He’s offered to lend me money when I’ve been short. I took this as a sign of care but of course it could be a way of gaining leverage?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 20/05/2023 13:47

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:45

He’s offered to lend me money when I’ve been short. I took this as a sign of care but of course it could be a way of gaining leverage?

Yup. Because then he can say "I do everything for you"

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/05/2023 13:48

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:43

He told me I should be grateful to have him looking out for me because other people will use me and abuse me, but if he’s around, he will prevent that

You are an adult, OP. YOu don't need other people 'looking out for you' as if you're five years old. He's going to start isolationg you from everyone you know and who cares about you because only he can 'look out for you.'

because other people will use me and abuse me

Which, as he sees it, is his job.

Escapingafter50years · 20/05/2023 13:53

If he prevents you from being abused by other people, it will only be insofar as he will have alienated you from everyone he possibly can.

At that point he will be the only one (still) abusing you.

He is gaslighting you. Please read up on this. Also there's a couple of helpful Instagram accounts I follow, please have a look at Understandingthenarc and Patrickteahantherapy

This man is disgusting. You need to find the strength to leave him. Tell people you trust about his behaviour - abuse thrives in secrecy.

When we are brought up in an abusive situation, we do not have the normal recognition of red flags that warn us to keep away from people who are not emotionally safe for us. This guy has red flags with loud bells on.

As is often said here, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I think, OP, you are not in a healthy enough state to be in a relationship. You need to look after yourself and do a lot of work on understanding abusive behaviour, in particular narcissism. Without this understanding you are always in danger of being targeted by horrible people like the current partner.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:53

Well he doesn’t seem to like my friends or church community either

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 13:56

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:43

He told me I should be grateful to have him looking out for me because other people will use me and abuse me, but if he’s around, he will prevent that

Yeah, right.

He prefers to do it to you himself

Jellybean23 · 20/05/2023 14:07

You shouldn't even be in a relationship with him, he wants to control you. He sounds awful. You have one life, don't throw it away on him.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 14:23

Thank you. I will definitely look him up on Instagram. I don’t seem to recognise red flags or just take the blame as I’m the reason behind bad behaviour.
My bf cried the second time I broke up with him and I’d never seen real emotion like that from him. He can be loving, unfortunately not consistently though.

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 20/05/2023 14:31

He can be loving, unfortunately not consistently though.

It's not love or loving though OP. It's just stopping being a shit to you for a little bit. This should actually make you angry because has the ability to be nice when he wants to. He just doesn't want to.

Also tears mean nothing. They can be a tool to manipulate the other person. He's not crying because he's sorry, he's crying because he's losing control.

All his actions are choices, remember that.

TheHandmaiden · 20/05/2023 14:37

Beware of men who cry on cue. Most men do not want to cry in front of women and it can be very suspect if they do.

Get rid of this man. He is a bully

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 14:41

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:43

He told me I should be grateful to have him looking out for me because other people will use me and abuse me, but if he’s around, he will prevent that

Well, you realize that this is nonsense?

TheShellBeach · 20/05/2023 14:41

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 13:53

Well he doesn’t seem to like my friends or church community either

He only seems to like himself.