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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Move In With Him

221 replies

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 07:20

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 11:22

My bf keeps a clean home, he is independent that way and happy to cook and clean for himself. I’m sure if I moved in he would hope I’d take over some duties. I don’t mind doing anything if it’s appreciated. When he’s away for work I’ll feed the dogs and do little errands for him. If I forget to do something he’s asked though, he gets angry. One time I fed the dogs the wrong food (gave them the more expensive stuff for treats only) and he was mad at me for 2 days.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/05/2023 11:24

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 06:37

I would be interested to read what others partners or husbands are like just to better gauge what should and shouldn’t be tolerated

Alyssa - it isn't the point about what total strangers on the internet will and won't tolerate. There's no should and shouldn't about it, the rules aren't set in stone. Some women will tolerate what would have other women running away screaming. It's about YOUR feelings about your relationship.

But if you want my input - I wouldn't spend five minutes with this man, let alone have a relationship with him or move in. He's systematically trying to break you down bit by bit.

LadyVF · 21/05/2023 11:26

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 10:22

🏃He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked.
🏃 He doesn’t like my son
🏃 He's suggested I’m being over sensitive
🏃 He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way.
🏃 I get lectures.
🏃 If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody.
🏃 He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often.
🏃 He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me
🏃 If I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days.
🏃 Never an apology.
🏃 He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc.
🏃 He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave.
🏃 He doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
🏃 His impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me.
🏃 Half the time I don't know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed.
🏃 It can feel like walking on eggshells.

This.
Sod moving in with him.
I’d be dumping him.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 11:26

Most hurtful comment he made was that i probably pushed my husband away. He knows for a fact my husband left for another woman and has had multiple partners since. This has been a useful exercise and I won’t be moving in.

OP posts:
Swansandcustard · 21/05/2023 11:27

Please end this horrific abusive relationship OP.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 11:28

I’ve felt unhappy for a long time with the things I’ve mentioned. When he feels be backing off then he will be super nice and I stay for all the feel good moments. Plus he keeps normalising his behaviours and saying I’m too sensitive or a ‘normal’ person wouldn’t get upset over the things I get upset about.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/05/2023 11:32

You know what, OP? - this is going to sound harsh but it's the best way I can put it - with your updates about what you do and how he responds you sound like an abused pet who regularly gets a kicking but still cringes gratefully for the occasional pat on the head.

He's an abusive pig. Not only do you need NOT to move in with him, he needs to be out of your life full stop.

Ladybug14 · 21/05/2023 11:34

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 11:26

Most hurtful comment he made was that i probably pushed my husband away. He knows for a fact my husband left for another woman and has had multiple partners since. This has been a useful exercise and I won’t be moving in.

Good

Dump him, too

He is vile

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 11:39

I don't understand why you're even considering moving in with this twat.

NotMyDayJob · 21/05/2023 11:46

And you should dump him as well

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:03

Like I’ve explained, when he’s good, he’s great and that part has been hard to walk away from. I’ve got all these things I’m unhappy with but he’s made me believe it’s in my head, like I’m too sensitive and he’s actually a good person looking out for me. So now I’ve reached out for advice in this forum

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 21/05/2023 12:07

He's looking for a carer for his old age.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:10

I’ve seen him with his daughters and he has a good bond with them. I guess they’re his own flesh and blood

OP posts:
Twinkle6 · 21/05/2023 12:11

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

StopStartStop · 21/05/2023 12:14

OP... RUN!!!

Stop making excuses for him, stop making excuses to stick with him. Stop that, and get the heck away from him. Good that you aren't moving in - now, start running.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/05/2023 12:19

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:03

Like I’ve explained, when he’s good, he’s great and that part has been hard to walk away from. I’ve got all these things I’m unhappy with but he’s made me believe it’s in my head, like I’m too sensitive and he’s actually a good person looking out for me. So now I’ve reached out for advice in this forum

And you've had eight pages of people saying that this man is an abusive bully and the reason he's good is because that's to draw you in and make you think that he isn't that bad so he can abuse you again, and that under no circumstances ought you to move in and allow him to continue abusing you. Abusers aren't abusive all the time, if they were no-one would be taken in by them.

Sorry, I'm out. I appreciate it's difficult for you, OP, but I think you need more help than MN can give. I think some people upthread have made suggestions about the Freedom Project, maybe look at that. Or listen to your son, who is clearly concerned for you.

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:23

Sorry but I’m not justifying his behaviour nor saying I’ll stay with him. All I’ve explained in my posts is the reasons why I’ve stayed with him in this relationship and tolerated the treatment

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 12:24

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:03

Like I’ve explained, when he’s good, he’s great and that part has been hard to walk away from. I’ve got all these things I’m unhappy with but he’s made me believe it’s in my head, like I’m too sensitive and he’s actually a good person looking out for me. So now I’ve reached out for advice in this forum

Yes, and you haven't listened to one bit of it.
It's a waste of time trying to tell you not to move in with because he's a complete cunt.

You're still finding excuses for him, so I'm going to stop posting now. It's a waste of time.

TheShellBeach · 21/05/2023 12:30

Okay, I'll try one last time.
How many people on this thread have told you it's a good idea to move in with him?

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:35

I already stated several posts ago that I am not moving in with him and thanked posters for helping me see that my concerns are valid as everyone is unanimous in his unacceptable behaviour

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 21/05/2023 12:46

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:35

I already stated several posts ago that I am not moving in with him and thanked posters for helping me see that my concerns are valid as everyone is unanimous in his unacceptable behaviour

I'm glad you have decided this part, but can I ask why you won't finish the relationship as well?

The cycle of abuse means there will be very good times as well as bad. Highs and lows. If it was all bad then you wouldn't stay. Everybody has bad blips in their relationship but if people genuinely care and respect each other it can be worked on. He doesn't respect you. At all. Please read up Womens Aid, Relate, Citizens Advice and Government/Council websites to find out definitions of abuse. Your relationship would be used as an example. I'm sorry Flowers

Ladybug14 · 21/05/2023 12:52

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 12:35

I already stated several posts ago that I am not moving in with him and thanked posters for helping me see that my concerns are valid as everyone is unanimous in his unacceptable behaviour

Absolutely

I think everyone is also in agreement that you should end the abusive relationship for good

Original poster
AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 13:00

I’m not going to stay in the relationship. It will hard in a way because we do form bonds with people even if they’re wrong for us and I don’t have family close by or big support network. But being single is better than with the wrong person who likely will never change

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 21/05/2023 13:02

AlyssaA · 21/05/2023 13:00

I’m not going to stay in the relationship. It will hard in a way because we do form bonds with people even if they’re wrong for us and I don’t have family close by or big support network. But being single is better than with the wrong person who likely will never change

You're right. He will never change

Well done 👏 Flowers

perfectcolourfound · 21/05/2023 13:09

Those are wise words @AlyssaA

Better to be single than with the wrong person.

You mentioned that you may struggle to stay away from him because you don't have lots of other friends etc. So maybe that's an area to work on.... building up some resilience through getting out and about, considering new hobbies and interests, being open to building new friendships. Seek out the support of your son. I'll bet he'll be thrilled that you are leaving him, and you can enjoy some trips out or takeaway nights perhaps together.

A great lesson to bear in mind for the future is this..... if you're with someone - a friend or a romantic relationship - and they tell you that your feelings are wrong, BEWARE. Your feelings are your feelings. Noone else can ever tell you how you SHOULD feel. Can you imagine how arrogant it is to tell another person they are feeling the wrong thing???!!

In any case, your feelings were entirely understandable in your circumstances. Your ex was abusive and your gut was telling you that you were being abused. Your feelings were very 'normal' as it happens.

Respect your own feelings over and above what someone else tells you that you 'should' feel, and you won't go far wrong. Also note - anyone who tells you how you should feel is generally not acting in your best interests and is best avoided.