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Original poster

Should I Move In With Him

221 replies

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 07:20

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

OP posts:
Flashingtealights · 20/05/2023 09:54

C'mon now, you know the answer already.
Why consider moving in with a controlling partner who gets snappy and moody when you don't dance to his tune, not to mention the fact he doesn't like your son. Things are only going to get worse, especially when you are under the same roof and he knows you have nowhere to go.
Take some time to work on your self esteem and walk away from this relationship

Cheesandcrackers · 20/05/2023 09:55

No x Infinity.

Softoprider · 20/05/2023 09:58

Sorry OP but when you said he doesn't like your son I was astonished that you even would consider it

RedDoughnut · 20/05/2023 09:59

No

No

No

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2023 10:02

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous poor relationship experiences or abusive relationships, are being further eroded by this individual now.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward, you will thank your own self for doing so.

user1492757084 · 20/05/2023 10:04

You know you should end the relationship. Why do you stay?

Do you think you will get nothing better?

It's a sure thing that you will get nothing better if you stay with him.

HRTeatime · 20/05/2023 10:04

Please don’t move in with him. Our older neighbour finally “let” his somewhat younger dp move in with him recently. I think she had basically said we live together or I’m leaving you. It hasn’t gone well. I regularly hear him screaming at her about how fucking stupid she is. Full on raging verbal abuse. It’s horrible. I don’t know why she doesn’t leave him. I’ve tried to broach the subject with her, but she shuts it down. It’s very depressing. Other times she says she’s unhappy as he won’t let her change anything in the house, so she doesn’t feel like it’s her home too. The cynic in me thinks he only moved her in because he wants to be sure he’s got someone to look after him if he becomes unwell/less able as he ages. Please don’t end up in the same situation op.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/05/2023 10:05

Run away.
You also need to question if you want to potentially spend your 50s and 60s looking after someone who will potentially need a lot more care - something that’s often overlooked when a partner is much older than yourself.

samestyle · 20/05/2023 10:06

Definitely not, no to man that doesn't like your son, also he's nasty and controlling, it won't get better living with him, only worse.

Onelifeonly · 20/05/2023 10:07

No! Surely you know this already.

To me "clicking " with someone would be about feeling comfortable and safe around them. I dont think you two "clicked" at all.

PurpleSunshineRain · 20/05/2023 10:08

He doesn't like your son.
He watches porn daily.
He shouts and swears at you.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Leave. You deserve so much better.

tailinthejam · 20/05/2023 10:09

Why haven't you dumped him already? He sounds awful. I'd rather be penniless and on my own in a ramshackle bedsit than be in a relationship with someone like that.

Fiddlerdragon · 20/05/2023 10:09

I didn’t get past the ‘doesn’t like my so’ thing before thinking no fucking way. He’ll stop you from seeing your child or allowing him in the home. And that’s before I got to the part where he’s nasty, abusive, clearly scares you a bit, is a porn addict but doesn’t want sex with you, plus he’s old enough to be your father and you’re going to end up being his carer while he abuses you and alienates you from your family. I actually despair at the thought that there’s people like you out there that actually considers circumstances like these. Why do you even need to be told not to move in with an abusive prick?

Ofcourseshecan · 20/05/2023 10:16

perfectcolourfound · 20/05/2023 08:12

I'm worried you're even asking.

As soon as you said he doesn't like your son I was worried. I also have adult DCs and if another adult said they didn't like them, I would go right off that person. You still want to see your son? To have him visit? How would that work if the man you live with doesn't like him?

And the other stuff is shocking. Why do you think this is OK to date, let alone live with? A bf / partner is meant to make your life better, easier, happier (and vice versa of course). Otherwise what's the point? He is cruel, critical, undermining, disprestecful, arrogant... the list goes on.

This man doesn't love you. He wouldn't treat you like that if he did. He wants someone to control and bully.

So no, I wouldn't move in with him. But I wouldn't date him either. I wouldn't have him as a friend. Because he's vile.

This, 100%.

What has happened in your life to make you willing to accept this? Who killed your self-esteem? Do consider having some counselling to help you value yourself as you deserve.

daisychain01 · 20/05/2023 10:17

God no.

He sounds horrendous.

AgnesX · 20/05/2023 10:18

That you're asking means that you're not sure and when you're not sure it means it's not right.

Some of his behaviours are shocking and something I wouldn't give up my freedom for.

daisychain01 · 20/05/2023 10:19

Anyone using porn daily is an sleazy addict and doesn't deserve a RW relationship. Ick. Showstopper.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/05/2023 10:22

🏃He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked.
🏃 He doesn’t like my son
🏃 He's suggested I’m being over sensitive
🏃 He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way.
🏃 I get lectures.
🏃 If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody.
🏃 He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often.
🏃 He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me
🏃 If I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days.
🏃 Never an apology.
🏃 He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc.
🏃 He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave.
🏃 He doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
🏃 His impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me.
🏃 Half the time I don't know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed.
🏃 It can feel like walking on eggshells.

WotNoUserName · 20/05/2023 10:23

As soon as you said he doesn't like your son I thought nope. Do not move in with him, do not even carry on seeing him. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't even like the person who should be most precious to you?

Then you got to the rest of it, and even more nope.

HerMammy · 20/05/2023 10:24

Why are you even seeing him? Christ almighty get a grip and dump
him, plus you're 45, he's 63, get out and enjoy life.

SallySunrise · 20/05/2023 10:32

Absolutely not. Dump him instead.

Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 10:32

OP, this ticks so many obvious boxes that I can't help thinking it is generated by ChatGPT to wind up Mumsnet. It's hard not to respond with something like "You're not ready yet; the ideal time to move in is when he starts trying to strangle you."

Dump him, obviously; actually, preferably, kill him so he doesn't go on to make anyone else's life a misery.

verdantverdure · 20/05/2023 10:36

God no.

This is him on his best behaviour.

GreyCarpet · 20/05/2023 10:41

I really don't have anything to add but I can't believe you can type that post and have any doubts at all. Of course you shouldn't over in with him. You shouldn't be with him at all.

daisychain01 · 20/05/2023 10:42

I reckon most of the posts describing mens behaviour on here must be AI-generated. It's like bloody Red Flag Bingo.