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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Move In With Him

221 replies

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 07:20

Hi All
im 45 and been seeing a guy for 2 years. He’s 18 years older than me but we clicked. He doesn’t like my son but My son is 21 and living independently. My bf has suggested I move in with him.
The thing is I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive as he’s suggested I am but the things that upset me about him are making me wonder if we should even be together let alone date. He is very switched on and hard working. He’s intuitive. He seems to want to guide and protect me but it comes across in a dictatorial way. I get lectures. If I do something he doesn’t like or don’t follow his advice, he gets snappy and moody. He brings up past ‘mistakes’ of mine often. He will swear and raise his voice and criticise me but if I stand up for myself then he’s more mad and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Never an apology. He gets really cranky at times and will tell me to shut up, shut the F up, tell me I’m stupid, moronic, childish, naive etc. He will get annoyed over trivial things. I do not like his daily porn viewing but he told me accept it or leave. The problem is it seems to preoccupy him where he doesn’t show me much interest sexually.
He has good sides and we can have a good time. He can be loving and attentive and engaging. However his impatience with me and speed at which he gets angry at me worry me. He’s never been physical, it’s the verbal. Half the time I dont know what to talk about because he either isn’t interested or gets annoyed. It can feel like walking on eggshells.
Id love advice?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 20/05/2023 10:45

Bloody hell no.

You should not move in with him.

You should break off the relationship.
And resist his attempts to intimidate / emotionally blackmail/ sweet talk you back.

You should block him and tell people - friends, family, work, - as his violence might go from verbal to physical at such a time.

99victoria · 20/05/2023 10:46

I despair when I read posts like this :(
I've always told my daughters, Men only get away with treating women like shit because women let them. Don't be one of those women! He sounds completely awful

babbi · 20/05/2023 10:49

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 07:26

I thought no as soon as you said he doesn't like your son, then the rest just got worse.

My thoughts exactly..
OP end this now and move on with your life .
Don’t even consider moving in with this man

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 10:50

No !

MoreCheesecakeNow · 20/05/2023 11:10

Don't move in. End the relationship, he likely doesn't like your son because your son sees straight through him!

ladykale · 20/05/2023 11:11

Why are you even dating this man? He sounds awful. Telling that your son dislikes him! If he was a decent bloke, an independent 21yo would be fully in support!

rainbowstardrops · 20/05/2023 11:20

Should I move in with him?

I think you know the answer to that already don't you.

Stratocumulus · 20/05/2023 11:26

Oh for goodness sake…. You really need MN to advise you what you should do?
Dump him. Dump him soon. This ain’t going to get any better. He’s horrible.
At the very least do not move in with him.
Put your big girls pants on get on with life without him.

BlastedPimples · 20/05/2023 11:36

Run. Disappear. He's foul.

Whattodo112222 · 20/05/2023 11:42

Run

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 11:58

i obviously have doubts or I wouldn’t be asking. No, I don’t have much self esteem. My ex husband was a total narcissist and i would’ve probably stuck in an unhappy marriage if he didn’t run off with another woman. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my step dad was a violent drunk. My bf confuses the hell out of me because he has a good bond with his kids and is so loving at times and soft with animals. So I don’t know if it’s all an act. He says I’m at fault for making him angry.
This is why people come on forums is to get outsider opinions and from all these comments, my doubts are justified. He once raged at me because I gave my friends 18 year old a lift to the pub. Small things seem to set him off.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:00

I did end the relationship twice and he came around being extremely nice and saying he doesn’t want to lose me. The bad behaviours creep back in pretty soon after I’ve given it another go

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 20/05/2023 12:01

AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 11:58

i obviously have doubts or I wouldn’t be asking. No, I don’t have much self esteem. My ex husband was a total narcissist and i would’ve probably stuck in an unhappy marriage if he didn’t run off with another woman. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my step dad was a violent drunk. My bf confuses the hell out of me because he has a good bond with his kids and is so loving at times and soft with animals. So I don’t know if it’s all an act. He says I’m at fault for making him angry.
This is why people come on forums is to get outsider opinions and from all these comments, my doubts are justified. He once raged at me because I gave my friends 18 year old a lift to the pub. Small things seem to set him off.

Anyone who says you're at fault for making them angry should be avoided like the plague!
Unfortunately your childhood experience and marriage have damaged you meaning that your bar is set very low.
Would you consider counselling to work on yourself so that you realise your true worth and come to appreciate how much better a partner you deserve?
This man sounds like bad news and you sound far too nice for him. Please gather your confidence and bin him off. You are worth so much more.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 20/05/2023 12:11

Run.

Fast.

TheHandmaiden · 20/05/2023 12:13

He's told you exactly what you would get if you moved in. More bullying, all the time.

You aren't crazy, are you? This guy wants something to verbally punch and maybe worse.

Stay away and dump him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/05/2023 12:24

He says I’m at fault for making him angry

He's laying it out for you, I'll give him that, by prettu much saying 'when I start physically abusing you it's because you provoked me.' So you've had due warning. Run like your arse is on fire.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/05/2023 12:31

I did end the relationship twice and he came around being extremely nice and saying he doesn’t want to lose me. The bad behaviours creep back in pretty soon after I’ve given it another go

Answered your own question there, OP. You leave, he comes crawling because his human punchbag has left, you go back, he ramps up the abuse again because he knows you'll come back.

Darkandstormynite · 20/05/2023 12:33

He's also trying to alienate your from your son. You said he doesn't like him. Bet your DS won't be welcome at the house if you move in. He'll try to obstruct any future events such as weddings/grandchildren.

You could be looking at a very lonely and isolated future if you move in with him.

You know what you need to do, question is are you going to repeat the patterns of the past or take control of your life?

At least you can't say you weren't warned and it will only get worse.

Peridot1 · 20/05/2023 12:35

You are definitely not at fault. He sounds horrible.

You might benefit from doing the Freedom programme given your previous history.

But for now you are in a really good position as you don’t live with him thankfully. So you can end it quite easily. Although as he did before, he is likely to try to get you to take him back. That is when you need to be really strong.

greyhairnomore · 20/05/2023 12:37

Absolutely not , please end it. Block him on everything.

Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 12:38

Gosh OP, honestly I was cynical about your post but as someone who has also struggled to recognise abusive relationships when I've been stuck in them, I understand your self-doubt. What you're describing is very obviously abusive. So glad you asked. Seriously, run like hell from this one! Flowers

Zanatdy · 20/05/2023 12:38

1000% no, this is a bad relationship.

Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 12:39

P.S. I believe Hitler was also "soft with animals" 😁

Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:39

I would benefit from this program. I have borderline personality disorder and it makes me doubt myself and accept the blame for everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlyssaA · 20/05/2023 12:42

My son does not like him. He’s seen me in tears too many times.

OP posts: