Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

Who is primary carer of DD? Why do you call your wife 'the wife'?

It will likely give your DD problems with anxiety. Have you though about family therapy? I'm assuming you talking to your wife about this hasn't got you anywhere. Maybe an impartial third party is needed.

I've heard both sexes refer to their spouse as "the wife" or "the husband". What's that got to do with what the OP posted?

'The Wife'...

It sounds like she had severe anxiety/phobias/OCD. Has she ever dealt with any of these issues?

Agreed. Some people just love to find something to pick at

The wife? Really? Your wife definitely needs help, but you calling her "the wife" is quite telling, imo.

I'm not surprised your marriage is bad.

Maybe English is not the OPs first language. How bloody mindless to point out this discrepancy. There's real abuse going on here (albeit because of undoubted mental health issues) and people have picked up on ONE word. Morons.

Have you talked about this with your wife?

It is clearly obsessive behaviour - is she aware of that?

Absolutely this.

Please can people focus on the topic in hand here. Leave going off on a tangent for later.

I would choose a time when you can talk to your wife alone, calm and in a supportive way say something like;

' I know you love DD very much, you only want the best for her I can see that. However I worry sometimes that DD needs to make her own descions and to play freely while we supervise in the background to keep her safe. In the future we both want a balanced capable and confident young woman who can cope with normal things like relationships ending, failing exams etc etc. Im wondering how we can help DD become more independent and to manage her own emotions better. What do you think might help DW? '

If you challenge her head on she will likely become defensive and shut down, so nothing will be achieved.

I know somebody like this. The children are now a ball of fear and anxiety. Can't get a spec of dirt on them and are not allowed to play with other children. Not allowed to get toys out. Have missed lovely trips because it'll be "past their bedtime" which has never deviated from 7 pm despite them being much older now. Please please do whatever it takes to stop this now. Your wife clearly needs help and if it were me, I'd leave and apply for residency. All the things you describe are normal for children to do. The ultra controlling behaviour makes me feel that your wife needs some therapy to unpick why she is like this. I don't doubt she loves your daughter and her behaviour is based on fear but it's so deeply unhealthy and your child is going to end up with all manner of problems going forward.

Totally agree. Men always get the shit end of the stick on this site.

Agree with this.

@MorganFreemansVoice this is really unhealthy for your daughter. Is there anyone who your wife might listen to?

I honestly think her behaviour is abusive. Probably due to her own issues, rather than maliciousness, but she needs to sort her issues not pass them on to your daughter.

So glad you’ve read this guy’s genuine dilemma and come up with some helpful thoughts and ideas for him. Would be a shame to just nitpick over a couple of words you don’t like.

OP - posters now will tie themselves in knots trying to make you the bad guy here and give reasons why your wife’s behaviour is totally justified. It isn’t. And it sounds like she needs some sort of intervention by an unbiased third party before she causes real issues for your daughter.

I'm another one who is going to jump on "the wife" it is used in a derogatory way "the wife never..." it is so rarely "the wife just bought me a motorbike"

Back to OP: frankly? your wife seems to have a bit of anxiety around your DDs health. Are you British? I'm asking because i have noticed that the British have a reputation for chronically underdressing (themselves and their children) for weather, and people of other nationalities (yes, Germans I'm looking at you) think that if you sit in a draft you will die and consequently many of them will swelter in an unventilated room rather than open a window. For eg.

So if you're coming at bringing up your DD from different nationalities/cultures it will be difficult, but not insurmountable. You do need an open dialogue on things though.

Does your wife have (health) anxiety? did she have a difficult birth? PND? a sibling that died young? anything that might help to explain her attitude?

do we know the OP is a man? 😉

I undertsand why you are so concerned, as this isn't healthy behaviour and it is already impacting your daughter. I really hope there's someone that she will listen to.

100% agree!

Dude I’m a Dad and I’ve got a daughter she’s 10 now. Your wife’s behaviour towards your daughter is the complete opposite of my ex wife’s behaviour towards our daughter.
Now my wife loves our daughter she lets her be a child and have a childhood.
Your wife doesn’t, she resents your daughter no matter what you convince yourself of otherwise and is not letting her have a childhood.
Your wife has serious issues, that’s plain, so if you don’t want your daughter to turn into a really fucked up adult you need to man up put your foot down with a firm hand and say “No More”.
If that sounds harsh it’s because no-one else will tell you.

I think you need to try and speak to her about this, in a calm way when DD isn't around. Make it about understanding why she does this, it sounds like it comes from a place of being incredibly overprotective in not wanting DD to get illnesses. If your wife isn't responsive/won't talk about that then I'd suggest family counselling to see if a neutral person helps. If she refuses to do that or it doesn't help, I'd seriously consider leaving the marriage and applying for custody. That behaviour is bordering on child abuse in my opinion

It sounds to be like your wife is extremely risk averse, germ phobic and has high health anxiety in regards to your dd. All of this is unhealthy and damaging behaviour. Your dd needs to be able to explore the world around her in a safe way and she is expressing her feelings in the only way she can by having a meltdown.

It is really important that you make it clear to your wife that she needs some help. Have any other family members picked up on this? What is your wife’s relationship like with her parents?

I just knew you'd get a kicking for referring to your nightmare of a wife as 'the wife'. She sounds controlling to the point of abusive to me and its a very unhealthy situation for your DD to be in. I too would divorce The Wife and go to court to ensure the DD lives with me. If you don't want to go this far I would suggest an ultimatum dependant on her attending parenting classes or similar. Does your wife work?

I just knew you'd get a kicking for referring to your nightmare of a wife as 'the wife'. She sounds controlling to the point of abusive to me and its a very unhealthy situation for your DD to be in. I too would divorce The Wife and go to court to ensure the DD lives with me. If you don't want to go this far I would suggest an ultimatum dependant on her attending parenting classes or similar. Does your wife work?

Ohhh FFS grow up.