Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

I suspect that the comments on ‘the wife’ derive from the complete absence of any empathy for the wife in this situation. Indeed, his contempt for the woman he married is palpable.

It doesn’t read as a man who is seeing his wife, who he loves and cares about, obviously struggling with mental health and him being concerned for how it’s affecting their daughter.

There’s clearly a problem here, but approaching it as ‘isn’t this woman so awful’ won’t necessarily help much.

And of course, there are a million people desperate to complain about ‘man hating’.

I had a friend who's Mum was like this. Her Das wasn't around and my friend had an awful childhood. Luckily for her she moved far away to another country away from her Mum when she was older and has a happy life now. I don't know how it's affected her mental health though.

"The wife"????? 😠

Me too!

Coming from someone who has contamination OCD and phobias, it sounds like your wife may be battling something similar.

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

@Brefugee · Today 14:18
I'm another one who is going to jump on "the wife" it is used in a derogatory way "the wife never..." it is so rarely "the wife just bought me a motorbike" oh get over it. You do know about regional and social language differences, don't you?

Im from NI... Its local slang to use the wife, the husband, the child etc when referring to people, so might just be where OP is from rather than being derogatory.... its just how we talk

I can see signs of anxiety in my daughter already; this is another issue that really upsets me.

I think it’s important you get help for your daughter, then help for your wife could follow if she will accept it.
You could speak to your daughter’s teacher. Explain the difficulties your wife has —- germ phobia, health anxiety and so on.exactly as you did in your first post.
Or you could ask to speak to a health visitor at your GP surgery.
Or you could speak to your GP and ask to be directed to help.
It is not a good way for your daughter to live and your wife cannot be happy when she’s this anxious.

I'm glad someone is seeing the same as I am.

There is something off with the OPs post that I can't quite place, but it's not terribly normal and healthy to start talking about how your relationship with "the wife" (and the subsequent correction to simply 'wife' with no 'my' in there - which struck me as odd even though I had no problem with the original phrase. It's the rather coldness which struck me.)

I can't help but think this is a scenario where divorce is on the cards and there's a possible clutching at straws to throw into a custody dispute. It looks like it's almost trying to prepare a 'script of the unfit mother' over not much.

It looks exaggerated and yes the meat thing is completely reasonable.

That does matter me wonder about the state of the marriage generally. Where is the anxiety in the child coming from? The mother controlling? The warring parents who dislike each other? The OP regularly picking fault with their wife?

Something doesn't ring true. It's definitely one Of like to hear the other side of the story from. I don't think we will get an unbiased version from the OP not do I think the way the thread has gone over 'the wife' thing has helped but I do think there's a tone of contempt that runs throughout even after the correction.

So I really feel for the little girl because one way or another it's not a happy home and her parents actively hate each other. Its really sad to see.

I hope her parents manage to separate and not have a really nasty messy divorce but nothing here suggests that won't be the eventually outcome.

Didn’t mention his advice.

I said ‘man up’ is a gross very blaming phrase with horrible connotations. I dislike ‘firm hand’ when it’s a man talking about a woman also, but that’s by the by.

I didn’t touch on his advice (I gave my own) so I’m unsure what the problem is.

Is your wife eastern European/Russian?

we hosted an Ukrainian family last year and it seems your wife has a similar mentality to the family we hosted. The kids would be dressed in a long sleeve top, fleece and woolly hat when the other English kids weren’t even wearing their T-shirts. We were yelled at for giving their kids ‘icy water’ (water from the tap and not stood to reach room temperature) when it was 25 degrees outside as the cold would make them sick. I’d also be chased around the house being told to put slippers on.

the kids weren’t allowed to ‘help’ in the kitchen or even go to the shop as ‘children are slow’. The kids had never had a bath or shower either just two flannel washes a day.

completely different mentality and looking on the Ukrainian threads this wasn’t just my family. Looking into it, cold drinks do slightly lower the immune system and a whole country can’t be getting it wrong and us Brits getting it right.

could you just be firmer with your wife? She shouldn’t be telling you how to parent your daughter, if you two want to cook together you should allow your daughter to cook with you.

Couldn't agree more. It is obvious English is not OP's first language.

OP, I think you're right to be worried. This obsession, on the part of your wife, with germs, and her overbearing control-freakery is really unhealthy. My good friend was like this with her DD, and at the age of 18 her DD totally cut her off. She has been no-contact with her mum for nearly ten years now. I don't know all the ins and outs but obviously it's torture for my friend who loves her daughter fiercely.

Would your wife agree to meet with a therapist experienced in this area?

My dps wer elike this-could go in mud couldnt get dirty-i have anxiety now and although ive gone the opposite way i still have problems

they just hated dirt an though it was disgusting the way other kids looked

you havbe t convince your wife to get help-she says she hasnt got problems she cant see it is all

It is a trauma response. Deal with the trauma, something is bothering her.

Oh just stop it. It's common parlance in some regions and nothing to do with being a piggy.

Your wife need to see a dr she sounds highly anxious and is going to pass it on to your daughter if she doesn't get the help she needs

As a guess, your wife may have OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder, or an anxiety disorder around safety, germs, and being in control.
If you can persuade her to first of all see her GP and he can refer her to a specialist for an assessment. If she won't go, maybe see your GP yourself and talk about the problem as it's a whole family problem.

Bloody obvious that English is not the OP's first language, and it is really irritating to read people purposely twisting OP's words too.

Cleaning your hands once you have finished doing whatever it is with meat - yes, sensible and normal.

Stopping someone midway through doing a task with meat to wash their hands, and not letting them do a task or complete it - not at all normal. Kids have to learn about food prep, handling and hygiene too!

The issues the OP describes do indeed seem extremely controlling and not in the best interests of the child. How is she to explore her world, learn, play, develop a functional immune system, if she is treated as the OP describes?!

OP, I would have a proper conversation with your wife, explain that you believe she does love your child, but that her behaviour is preventing your DD from growing and learning properly and it worries you.

Her behaviour is absolutely NOT normal, children should play, make noise, explore, touch stuff (and wash hands often)!

I think that English may bot be OP’s first language. The gist of his post is perfectly understandable.

Yep, and often a woman who's constantly telling her small child don't do this/don't do that is actually walking on eggshells because it's hard to know what might set dad off. I don't want to cast aspersions based on little evidence but OP himself describes his dw as unhappy and himself as angry. So imo more info needed before I'm happy being led by the nose to put all the blame on his wife tbh.

Maybe it’s just a language barrier but the whole tone of the message is just a bit odd. “The wife” is just one example. I would bet there is a lot more going on than the OP has described. These situations are almost never so black and white.

I don’t think this is healthy behaviour from your wife and in my opinion will eventually have a detrimental effect of your daughter. I think that your wife needs help, perhaps sit down at first and have a conversation about it and why you are worried for both your wife and daughter. If you don’t get anywhere with this make an appointment with your GP, explain the situation and your concerns.

'The wife' is actually a term of endearment in some parts of the UK.

Please stop reading so much into what is local dialect in some regions.

You don't need to blame anyone anxiety/ocd is an illness and nobody's fault the op wife just needs help