Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

I can see signs of anxiety in my daughter already; this is another issue that really upsets me.

Man up might be gross. But his overall advice is not wrong. I had a similar parent, too obsessed with cleanliness to the point of allowing me to play or have normal childhood, years later i suffer from anxiety. Like Op's dd, I was also frustrated with this level of control.
Op do something. Get your wife help and help your dd have a normal childhood.

I agree. She sounds very unwell and her behaviour will have a terrible impact on your daughter if it’s allowed to continue.

This is ridiculous and a petty thing to pick up on.
I often refer to my husband as 'the husband'. We have a perfect marriage thank you

This is one where I would like to hear about things from the other person's pov tbh. A lot of what you're complaining about seems completely reasonable to me. A 5yo expected to wash her hands after touching raw meat? Well, yeah. Not sure what's wrong with that. You seem to be making her out as some kind of germaphobe but complain in the next breath that dd only has a couple of baths a week. Which also seems completely normal to me and not at all obsessive. So, I don't really know what the problem is, if I'm honest, and how some pp get from all this to abusive parenting on dw's part is beyond me.

Two phrases stuck out for me. One is that you admit your relationship has "never" been good (really? never??) and the other was the phrase "the problem with the/my wife is..." I don't care about the typo but I somehow just can't stop hearing you in my mind constantly saying to her "the problem with you is that..." Which is a big fat blame game flag imo.

I might be wrong but I don't feel the problem here is your dw's relationship with dd but the relationship between the two of you. Maybe that's why dd is anxious. Maybe dw is too.

Your wife sounds very ill & is already passing this onto your daughter.

If your wife won't get help what do you intend to do for your daughter's sake?

Anyone else & you would be keeping them away or only having very limited contact.

It very much sounds like your wife has OCD. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would usually be the first suggested intervention for this, but I don't believe it is hugely successful. Hypnotherapy can be very beneficial though.

However, your wife would need to identify that there is a problem and be willing to seek treatment.

I would calmly and without judgement, ask your wife what she thinks will happen if your daughter's face touches the carpet. Ask her to rationalise the motivations behind her concerns and rules. It may help her to see that she has an anxiety disorder and that she would benefit from help.

This will not happen if your wife feels judged or attacked. It needs to be discussed gently, i.e. "how can we resolve this as a team? What can I do to support you? Because I want to support you, not blame or belittle you."

Don't know which Germans you've been around but many (not all) Germans I know obsessively open windows wide in the middle of winter whereas the people I've come across who have these stuffy hot houses are mostly Brits. Weird stereotyping - not even in the right direction!?!

Have to confess I also wondered if ‘the wife’ was a German 😄

Nope, I bet it wasn’t a typo at all

You said “the wife” twice

Actually you wrote “the wife”

THREE times. That’s no typo and speaks volumes to me.

@DepartureLounge You could be right but I don't get that at all from OP. The OP's wife sounds like she has OCD and if so it is going to be awful for the DD.

@pinkyredrose wow out of all the issues in the OPs post this is what you pick on? People on here are pathetic

This. I’d be telling your wife to sort herself and get professional help immediately. Otherwise I would leave her. You need to safeguard your daughter.

If you look up the three day nanny - can't remember which episode but there is one which covers a mum/daughter relationship exactly as you describe. The mum has no insight into how her behaviour is affecting her young daughter but with a few changes life & their relationship is totally different. Perhaps worth a watch with your wife?

So basically your wife had no insight into the fact that she has an anxiety disorder/mental illness.

I would suggest in that case that you organise some family therapy, it may be the most tactful way to ease her into the ideas that her issues are not normal and she may need help with them.

Does she work?

ODFOD. You can read a whole post about someone who appears to have some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder potentially harming a child and that is the main problem you can see?

Because a man referring 3x to his wife as “the wife” is very telling about him as an individual and his view of his wife I would hazard a guess

the devil is often in the detail

Who fucking cares?

Why are you obsessing about something so massively off the point? Maybe it is the problems caused by untreated MH difficulties which are causing OP to distance him/herself unconsciously?

Could have been worse. he could have called her The Fruitloop.

No. In your world the devil will always be the OP because he is a man.

Well the devil is always in the detail when it's a man posting, that's for sure. 🙄

OP, as an adult your DD will remember when mum used to be cold and made her upset and anxious but dad never intervened to say it's fine, smile, laugh with her or give her a massive hug (IF that's what's happening). You can make a very big difference to a child's life.

As others have pointed out you can just take DD and give her a bath if you are at home. If you think your wife will try to stop you you don't need to announce it, although you shouldn't live in fear of upsetting DW. I am also wondering if you just let DW always do exactly what she wants.

Apart from telling your wife when you see a problem, have you ever had a conversation when it's calm and your DD isn't there?

Have you told her how you feel about it and how you've observed your daughter's anxiousness? If so, what does she say?

How is your marriage generally? Does your wife work? Is she anxious about other things?