Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

You have a valid point. Why can she not be cuddly with DD when I am home? What that has to do with me? I am uncomfortable in the relationship but will not let that affect my affection towards DD. I can be cuddly and loving with my DD regardless of who is around me. I pointed out to her that not seeing her being loving with my DD upsets me and makes me think that when I am not home, she is less so.

I agree with the posters saying to talk to family about what is happening as well as looking towards long term strategies.

It’s important that you take back some control right now as well. This will only get worse.

What do you think about taking your dd out and doing normal activities like the ones I suggested? You could take your dd for something to eat as well or take a picnic.

Suppose I go against wife's wishes, big problem, huge. Anytime I try to bathe DD, the hell breaks loose. Soon as I start telling her that I want to bathe DD, the tension shoots up, and she starts yelling and telling me that she will bathe her when I am not home, but she doesn't. When I got home and asked DD the following day, she told me that mum didn't bathe her. When I asked wife why, she would give me some reason, and she would say that she would bathe DD the following day, but again, she didn't. And so this repeats on and on.

She is against swimming pools because she says that DD will catch a cold, and she will need to medicate DD. Oddly she is neither for nor against dance classes.

I am not sure what I will do. I am hoping that I will find some help soon.

Separation is always in the back of my mind. I worry that I will hurt my DD, and what if wife wins custody? I will spend even less time around DD and cannot discourage wife from continuing such practice.

I'm afraid your wife's behaviour is damaging your DD.
Also surely not washing her is neglect?

I think you should contact Social Services for their advice on this and possible intervention as your wife refuses to acknowledge that she has MH problem that will certainly affect your DD adversely.

Or start by asking your GP?

We had calm discussions about the whole issue, but she always denied that she did anything wrong. I feel like I hit a brick wall any time I try to have a conversation about this.

The marriage was not great but OK, broke down after she started being so obsessive with DD.

She doesn't work, partly by her own choice. She is not flexible.

I am here for advice not to pick fights. @MistressE I know my wife much better than you do. And yes, I wrote "The Wife", and what? I am distraught because I feel that she will negatively impact my DD's mental health, and maybe subconsciously, I don't care much if I call her "the wife" or wife. I am unsure how you can undoubtedly say that you can know someone's character just by reading two words.

Ffs do the bloody repetitive posters banging on about the use of 'the wife' while ignoring the actual abuse going on for the dd not realise they actually sound ridiculous and foolish rather than purveyors of sense?!

I consider bathing DD a small and easy task, and I happily bathe her, although (if it happens) my only job is holding the shower head.

As I mentioned in other posts, the problem is that she goes into a meltdown, and I have to give up because everything becomes a shouting match, and I am concerned that this will impact my DD.

You might read some of the Mother-Daughter books - written for the Daughters to read in an effort to heal. It's an entire genre of books because so many Mothers screw up their daughters - "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" "Mothers Who Can't Love" etc.

The books are good because it will help you articulate what the issue is - specifically.

The lack of her flexibility is anxiety and control, too. From my experience, you just can't reason with them. They refuse to listen, refuse to bend, refuse to self-reflect, refuse to re-consider. They also lie and manipulate to ease their own anxiety. They will twist into a pretzel to get others to do or not do what they want.

I would speak to your GP and try to explain the problem. Could be helpful -or not. Perhaps you and DD can go for family counselling to get an outside experts view.

what are DW’s parents like. Could there have been abuse in her childhood. Freaking out when you suggest bathing Dd is weird.
DW really needs counselling.

It does sound to me like your wife is perhaps suffering with mental ill-health and her behaviour seems characteristic of anxiety and/or OCD. I'd suggest she speaks to the G.P and see what help they can offer her as it's clearly hugely affecting the whole family. As hard as it is to witness her behaviour towards your daughter is d recommend trying to support her as much as possible in her treatment/recovery. I'm not saying you should allow her behaviour but just try and help and support her and be constructive in telling her when she's wrong as she may not fully comprehend the damage her behaviour is doing. Obviously if she refused to seek help and modify her behaviour and treatment of your daughter then it's perfectly understandable that you may reconsider your relationship.

Are her parents controlling as well in which case they would never listen to you? Have you ever tried to do something that she absolutely loathes in front of her parents or her friends? If others see that she screams you down, is an absolutist and controlling she might be forced to have an unexpected conversation with a third party whether she likes it or not.

When she fights with DD does DD come to you for cover?

Like that's the issue here... some MN posters really do have it in for men it seems!

Of course @guineacup who cares about a child being horrifically treated when you can make it about being snarky to a bloke!

She doesn't work, partly by her own choice.

What's the other part?

Agree with this. Your wife's abusive behavior is likely driven by mental illnesses. This kind of abuse is very damaging. I don't know have any advice, sorry.

Stop treating abuse which is part of someone else's culture as a lesser thing. You shouldn't be asking this question. Whether it's a woman walking 6 paces behind a man, looking through the slits in a sheet, or whether a child is beaten or calls dad "sir" because that's how they are raised in their community, don't make those shitty excuses. Not a question that needs to be asked.

Sounds like you haven't been around them that much. Might be people with hot stuffy houses are almost always Brits to you because you haven't been to the actual hot stuffy houses or hospitals or nurseries or other establishments, run and populated by another demographic, otherwise you would have known the difference. You know fuck all about other cultures and get offended on behalf of other nationalities. Nobody likes an ignorant woke hypocrite. Nobody. Bleuuuuurgh.

Furious.. really? poor bugger must walk on eggshells. In fact a few husbands probably walk on eggshells going by some of these posts. 🙄i use the husband repeatedly and have done for years on here and have NEVER been picked up for it and English isn't my second language. There is real abuse from a woman to her kid here and people have nothing better to do than to pick over a couple of words in the OP. Get a fucking grip.

OP you need to have a proper chat with your wife, this can't carry on. The poor kids going to be a bag of nerves if you don't intervene.

Or it could be because, you know, I'm half German myself with friends and family in the North and South of Germany and have lived in the UK for over 15 years... But you get worked up by all means, love 😁

fairywhale Abuse isn't excused by culture actually. Anyone who works in child protection is aware that it's not ever used as an excuse as has been highlighted in previous serious case reviews. I didn't offer that up as any excuse. I asked!
The reason I asked is because I actually work with families professionally and have come across similar issues, over dressing particularly is seen within certain groups who have moved to the UK. Education is often needed.
It is worth getting an idea of the full story before unpicking it. On an internet forum we will never know the full true story and can't actually see the situation.
Yes this women probably has some MH issues but it is also possible other factors are in the mix and it is worth knowing!

Right! And if it was a mom saying g the husband and explaing the situation it would be 💯 LTB. I think OP was brave to come on here. He is clearly and rightly so worried about his daughter

Your wife sounds abusive. You need to start over ruling her nonsense. People like this in my experience do what they are allowed to. Tell her to get a job and that you won't be allowing her abusive behaviour anymore. You can't just decide not to work! If it was me I'd also tell her I was staying only until my daughter left home to protect her from this madness. I'd also report the behaviour to a doctor and social services in case she went for full custody in the future.i feel for you OP but you do seem a bit passive - as if there's nothing you can do if your wife says something - you don't have to follow orders if they are hurting your daughter.