Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

Thank you for the suggestion. I will do a Google search.

Thank you very much, everyone, for your messages. I have read them with much interest and found some beneficial information I will use.

Many thanks,
"The wife"

Tell her to go and get some help else you’ll be forced to get SS involved What?? That's literally the worst advice ever. Call SS on your own wife. Wtf!! There are a million options before this...jeez.

I haven’t read all the comments, only yours, but it certainly sounds as though your wife is at least, in part, struggling with anxiety. I am yet to meet a child with anxiety, who doesn’t have a parent or close relative without a history of anxiety, and so, I would strongly recommend encouraging your wife to seek professional help for her issues. You mention that your daughter is already showing some signs of anxiety herself, and if this continues and she later requires intervention from mental health services, it’s efficacy will be vastly reduced if your wife doesn’t address her own issues (if you see child mental health services at any point, I would be shocked if this isn’t considered and suggested). The sooner this issue can be addressed the better really. Things can become ingrained quickly. Wishing you luck.

Typo in second sentence - ‘without’ should be ‘with’. Sorry!

Was this a reverse?

Hmm maybe, but I don't think we can always automatically assume there is DV in a relatioship just because a man is speaking negatively about his wife (who from what we have been told certainly comes across more as the abusive one) there seems to be good reason for him to here 🤔

WTF is wrong with MN? OP came for advice on what appears to be a serious issue, yet priority and judgement is made over his written word and suspicion over it being a reverse or Domestic Violence on his part involved.

I suspect OP's possibly a different nationality so applaud him for his grasp of English and would like to point out that 'the wife' in other languages is perfectly acceptable way to describe her, if translated.

Having lived in the Far East and Eastern Europe, there does seem to be a preoccupation for over fussing and certainly overdressed children. I was once shouted at in the street by a group of elderly women because my toddler wasn't wearing a hat in October when it was 20°c. However, I do feel OP has some totally valid concerns about his wife's oppressive and overbearing behaviour towards their child.

Thank you to those who have kindly advised OP and not been so unworldly judgemental and nit picky.

I only thought it was a reverse as OP signed off as "the wife" .

Odd - I wondered if Italian :)
notorious for being so so well wrapped up in what to most would seem summer. Risks of catching cold everywhere apparently.
Some are positively anal on cleanliness.

to add - I think the OP's concerns are genuine.
And as for dissing "the wife" description by some - too too typical of some keyboard warriors in my opinion and best just ignored. seems to be the accepted Mnet norm to refer to partners/husbands/offspring by abbreviations - DH DC DS DD etc.

The nitpicking just marks those posters as being combative and dare I say it, a bit thick as well.

actually what it says to me that the OP has been bullied/shamed into apologising for something he doesn't need to apologise for in the hope of getting the thread back on track/receiving some appropriate empathetic advice.
Can't help but wonder if this OCD sounding trait has been inherited from childhood. Any signs of similar in "the wife's"/DW's mother?

This is the stand out of the op to you?

actually what it says to me that the OP has been bullied/shamed into apologising for something he doesn't need to apologise for in the hope of getting the thread back on track/receiving some appropriate empathetic advice I think MN should delete the comments from posters who come a thread just to derail it with nonsense comments and no actual advice about what the OP posted about. Too many threads like this now.

What nationality is your wife ? Is there a cultural difference?

She vehemently dismisses the suggestion that she might have a problem and says nothing is wrong with her. I tried to bring this issue up with her often, but she went mental soon after I started to say anything about doctors.

Op

You need to tell all this to a "third party" - your sister, her mother etc - who then needs to address it with your wife.

Hopefully then she'll realize that it's not just you and she can't just emotionally bulldoze you into shutting up.

No family therapy, so far. I don't think it will do much. A third party is a good idea, but she is very secretive and will not share any problems with anyone, even close friends or her parents.

No family therapy, so far. I don't think it will do much. A third party is a good idea, but she is very secretive and will not share any problems with anyone, even close friends or her parents I think you're going to have to take the lead there and maybe get her parents involved. Unless this is behaviour she's learnt from her own childhood? It's difficult with friends as they probably won't want to get involved. That's why I suggested a therapist, as an impartial person is often the best as they are on no one's "side". Maybe even a chat with your local health centre to see if they have anyone they can refer you all/her to. I'm not saying it will go this far, but if your child develops any kind of anxiety disorder or something that is visible in her behaviour to teachers at school, this may well get a referral to social services or child mental health services etc. You need to try to get this sorted out before it gets that far and does any real damage.

You are right. The thing is that she refuses any help from anyone. If I say, "Let's speak to your parents about it", she replies that I am the problem and if I just shut up, everything would be better. How can I shut up when I can see what my dd is going through? She seems to care zilch about what I say.

Some people are just shit parents, male or female.

Don’t ever leave your daughter, she needs you and without you she will be in a constant state of being shouted at and told off and not allowed to have a life or any fun.

You are describing us. My dd bedtime is at 8 pm. If dd dears to play or fool around 10 or 15 minutes past 8 pm, she goes off the rails, and the argument starts. My dd is, as I said in t.he OP, 5 1/2 and since her birth, I was never allowed to sleep overnight with her in the bed ( wife always sleeps with dd), not even if we sleep all three together.

Agree.

He is a man.