Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

This its said a lot where I live. I couldn't understand why people where being so weird about it

It's clear to me that this is the case.

I don’t see a great deal of warmth from op. Tbh that could be for all manner of reasons, such as he’s fed up and beaten down by his wife or even his disposition. Maybe the relationship truly has never been there or perhaps he can only save one person right now and is choosing his child. I do think, however, in the long run it would be better to try to save his wife so that she can modify her behaviour otherwise, agreed, there will be 2 warring parents.

Right now, your wife needs help. But only she can save herself so the best you can do is to modify your behaviour and offer her help, suggest therapy. Someone upthread mentioned the tv series The three day nanny. She’s very good.

As for your wife. She is not the boss when it comes to your dd. You are supposed to be a partnership so you can also do things with your dd at the weekend.

Suggestions of some messy things to do:

• go on a bug hunt or similar - some national trust / stately homes organise these and you can rent equipment like little binoculars etc
• get some bottles of kids paints and some A2 / A3 paper and make some hand / foot print pictures. Allow dd to paint her hands / whatever part of her she wishes to make imprints. Either in the kitchen or garden if you have one
• go to a local clean, shallow stream, I’m thinking somewhere rural with fishing rods and wade in the stream, see if you can catch fish
• wait for the next rainy day, jump in muddy puddles etc

As for meat, I do not think at 5 your dd should be touching raw meat. She has plenty of years for this. She should be getting dirty outside. It is good for her immune system and ironically wrapping her up in cotton wool will actually make her less likely to have good health in future.

Although I’d be furious if my husband referred to me as the wife in anything but jest, I think your indignance at the OPs use of it here is slightly misplaced.

I know a couple in such a similar situation I am wondering if I do know you in real like. The mother in my case confessed to me that she has never had a maternal instinct towards her daughter. The controlling behaviour is helping her (in her opinion) to mask the lack of maternal feelings, as this fussing can look like she cares. It’s combined with never telling off her daughter - she says ‘sometimes I despise her behaviour so much, I’m worried if I open my mouth something really damaging will come out’ (and snippets did come out in my presence, like ‘it’s because of how you are and how you behave that children don’t like you at school. That’s why the kids don’t want to play with you.’
She tried therapy but said an English therapist will never understand her properly and gave up after a couple of sessions.

@RedToothBrush i agree with you.

People focusing on ‘the wife’ as if it might be just a term of endearment whatever seem to be totally missing to contemptuous tone of the whole thing.

The “Our [13 year] relationship was never great” bit is really odd and seems unlikely. Especially given that they seemingly decided to have a daughter 7 years in to this relationship that he thinks has always been bad.

It does read like trying to frame this as a custody dispute in an antagonistic divorce.

Omg, get a life 😂

Are you the same person who posted a while back about ‘the’ wife (can’t remember what it was about though). Seems strange to have another OP using the same outdated expression.

The most concerning thing you mention to me is the fact you say she generally seems 'cold' with your daughter, which leads me to wonder if this is not just unhealthy paranoia/anxiety/OCD of a devoted mother, but actually intentional controlling abuse.

Or… maybe the wife is actually nervous around her husband.

“It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.”

Maybe he doesn’t see affection because his wife is on edge and feels she can’t interact with her daughter around him.

We don’t and can’t know. But the tone of these posts (regardless whether English is his first language) drips contempt for his wife.

Telling of what? People always say ‘The Hubby’

OP sounds like he cares for his DD.

The temper tantrums now will either morph into a complete rebellion or result in a completely passive anxious teenager. Either way, poor child.

Your wife sounds identical to my mother. My entire childhood was exactly the same, not being allowed to touch things, grossly overdressed at the first hint of sniffle, catastrophising etc. It's clearly a mental health issue, OCD or high need for control. I'm fairly certain my mother is autistic as well and had to follow all those rigid rules she created for herself and our family. I obviously grew up with some anxiety problems but had a happy and successful life otherwise. I had some therapy and was never on medication. I don't blame my mum for what she did and she's still the same with my DD, though contact is naturally limited due to geography.

The only difference is that my parents had a stable marriage and my father accepted her quirks. I spent a lot of time alone with my dad as well where he wasn't as strict and it was great. When I was a bit older we both realised mum was just the way she was so we humoured her without making her feel judged. Eg. We'd let her dress us in 3 layers after a sneeze and just take it off as soon as we're out of her sight.

What my father didn't do is invite an entire forum of strangers to slag off my mum's behaviour as harmful and abnormal, which is clearly what OP is doing here. His entire post is very goady and a thinly veiled attempt to elicit replies of how terrible this woman must be to her daughter. Together with the use of "the wife" and the admission that the marriage is not ideal, it sounds like OP is trying to find more ammunition to punish his wife with.

You are clearly aware the behaviour is not ok but instead of suggesting your wife seek help or therapy, you open up a public pile-up on her under the pretense of caring. I also think you fully intend to show this thread to her the next time you have an argument to prove that hundreds of strangers think she's crazy.

The wife here is obviously not well, however OP also reveals some major red flags (claiming "the wife" was a typo when it happened 3 times). The poor woman probably puts up with a lot more behind closed doors and having to raise a small child.

Hi is your wife like this generally with germs and hygiene in the house and for herself? Is she generally worried about danger in life?

Or is it just where your child is concerned?

It sounds shit and disrespectful, is why.

This sounds really bad and your wife needs professional help.

It’s difficult because it sounds like these issues stem from anxiety from her trying to keep her child safe.
You are essentially telling her that she needs to stop caring about her DD so much and stop protecting her so much, which she is not going to be able to do without help and it’s going to create arguments between you both because she can’t see what she’s doing wrong.

Have you spoken to her about this and what does she say?

I would initially try the gentle approach but I can’t see her listening so you are going to have to become quite forceful.

Tell her to go and get some help else you’ll be forced to get SS involved.

It’s going to be small steps but you need to put your foot down much more.
Remember you are her parent too and you also get to say what’s right for her.

E.g.
If you are cooking then tell your wife DD is going to help and that she will wash her hands afterwards.

I would definitely have contempt for my husband if I felt he was damaging my child.
Would you not?

And it does not sound like the wife is on edge around the OP considering the entire reason for the thread is because she’s so controlling and domineering with her child.

Lookingoutside That's an opinion, not a fact. Plenty of people say "the husband" and "the wife", it's hardly the same as saying "her indoors", which is clearly disrespectful.

Is your wife like this just with your daughter or is she worried about you ie does she have expectations of you like not leaving a mess. I suppose she may have OCD or health anxiety. It is not acceptable and will cause your daughter anxiety. You could contact MIND for advice, did your wife have a difficult childhood as she sounds like it’s all about control and her thinking she can remain in control. She does need help and she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and the impact she’s having on her child.

'the wife' and 'the husband' and even 'the boy/girl' is common terms where I am from. It's not unusual, derogatory or "telling" here.

Anyway, back to your OP. Sounds like your wife has severe health anxiety.

I had it with my first child, went on anti depressants with my second and saw a therapist to get it under control, successfully too I am happy to report.

A degree of worry about your child is totally normal, fearing more than x amount of baths will cause a cold is not.

Your wife needs to address her anxiety and quickly - it is limiting your daughters life.

Can't we just take the OP at face value and offer practical help? Does the OP have help in real life? Family? Does he know where to go to get advice?

I'd recommend Family Lives - they have a good parenting helpline which would help the OP to consider all aspects:

https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline#:~:text=Family%20Lives%20offers%20a%20confidential,of%20parenting%20and%20family%20life.

Often, in certain areas of the country it is commonly used instead of saying my wife. Nothing malicious.

Sorry OP I forgot to add that I yhink your wife would benefit from some professional help regarding her anxieties. She is in danger of passing these on to your daughter. Your daughters behaviour and development will be affected if this is not sorted out soon. Can you get your wife to talk to her GP or get some counselling? Good luck to you and 'the wife' x

Responses like this are so telling about a poster, also. They’re pointless and completely neglect to address any actual issues, which are pretty major.

And as the OP says English isn’t his first language, which was fairly obvious, it’s even worse.