Wife obsessively controlling daughter

[MorganFreemansVoice]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for your input in advance.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have a 5 1/2-year-old daughter together. Our relationship was never great. We both love our dd immensely.

The problem with the wife ( I think) is that she is very controlling with dd. She will not allow dd to play with cold (or) warm water; she only bathes her one or max two times a week because of the fear that she will get a cold. Anytime dd has a bit runny nose, she freaks out and dresses her, even in 20c outside, with two t-shirts, a jumper and a jacket (in winter is even worst).

Furthermore, DD is not allowed to help in the kitchen while I prepare something to cook or put her hand on anything meat; if she does, she must wash her hand instantly; otherwise, Mum gets very upset. She is not to touch anything with her face; god forbid if she touches her face against the carpet when she plays on the floor, end of the world. She is not allowed to touch almost anything foreign.

DD is not allowed to make noise or yell when we are playing... she can't be her.
The wife is always autocratic with our dd and almost always says to dd, "Don't do this..., don't do that..., don't touch this..., don't touch that ", etc. I understand these are everyday things to say to kids, but this is constant throughout the day. She monitors every move of dd. I have noticed that my dd becomes very frustrated and angry because of this, to the extent that she goes into a complete rage where she can't control herself and throws herself violently on the floor.

It is scarce when my wife is cuddly with dd. When I point this out, she says she is always cuddly with her but doesn't like to be cuddly with dd when I am home. The wife seems almost always to be grumpy and unhappy.

I am very frustrated and angry. I feel that the above affects the mental health of my daughter. Is there anything to be done?

You are right to be concerned. Your wife needs intense therapy or you need to take your daughter and go. Your daughter deserves a normal life and this isn't it

Op you need to listen to this guy.

What nationality? This may be a factor as some cultures can be a bit like this. The English tend to go with the children need to go down the garden and play in the mud attitude nowadays ( it's good for immune system btw) but other cultures are horrified by this. Over dressing also common for some cultures.
It really isn't healthy to bring up a child like this. Does your DD go to school, play normally outside the home? How does this work with school settings?
Has you wife got any history of PND, OCD etc? It sounds like support is required

You mention 'coming home' so that means you actually aren't there all day and have no way of knowing what your DW is like with your DD - except, as she has pointed out, you know how your DW acts when you are there. They aren't necessarily the same.
DCs shouldn't be touching meat so, of course, they should wash their hands immediately if they do. They shouldn't be putting their face on the carpet. A lot of the items you list are general hygiene points. As for bathing, there's lots of advice that says DCs should only be bathed once or twice a week (recent research from Harvard supports the view that a bath once or twice a week is fine).
Is your DW a MNer? Is that why you've come here for advice?

Culture is no excuse for not letting her DD have a childhood . "The wife" needs help ASAP .

It is her. Sorry for "the wife". It was a typo.

I don't think that talking to your wife about this will have much effect. It sounds like she needs proper therapy.

Tell your wife to seek help. She clearly had some kinds of issue with the idea of illness or germs m. She needs to know that’s her issue to resolve and she needs to be wary of not affecting her daughter with her own issues.

you need to parent how you want. If you want to cook with you child and let her chop etc, then do it. Tell you wife in advance and she can leave the home for a walk or something if she can’t watch without intervening.

This distant over bearing and critical behaviour will have an impact. Maybe it’ll make your daughter anxious herself because she is constant told she is doing something wrong or there is something to be feared.

You know to use DD for daughter but used 'the wife' for your wife. That's a Freudian slip rather than a typo.
You're very frustrated and angry. Your DW (in your view) is grumpy and unhappy. You are both contributing to an awful environment for your DD. Couples counselling or family therapy might help. But you obviously don't like, respect or care for your DW so it would probably be better to take steps to leave the marriage.

Is your daughter at school? If so is there someone there you can talk to about this and ask for advice? I'm thinking a family liaison person or similar who should be able to point you towards help with this situation.

I'm another one who is going to jump on "the wife" it is used in a derogatory way "the wife never..." it is so rarely "the wife just bought me a motorbike"

Depends where you are from. In large aras of Britain that is the way people talk normally - but perhaps in your neck of the woods they don't, so you must be right. It isn't derogatory - it's custom and culture, and we would also refer to "the husband".

I'm another one that is concerned about the impact this will have on your daughter forming healthy attitudes and relationships - your wife is being very controlling and setting her up for a lifteime of mental health problems. And it sounds like your wife has some serious problems of her own.

Could this be something that you could speak to the GP or to your daughters school about, if you can't talk to her about it. It does sound like your daughter needs some support, and you need it too. Simply divorcing her and getting custody isn't going to be as simple as some people suggest - what she is doing isn't right, but getting custody will probably involve a battle and your wife isn't likely to give up; and courts are very reluctant to remove a child from the mother entirely. I think I would want to seek any possible options for managing the family circumstances better before taking such a step, as it may not work out as you want it to, and could be even worse for your daughter split between two warring parents / households with very different parenting styles.

This

Poor little girl. At least she has a loving Dad who has got her back.

@testtrout She is happy at school and always eager to go. From the feedback I got from the teacher, she said that dd is doing great. I suspect that wife has some mental issues but refuses to seek help. When I suggested she go and see a doctor, she said she had no cognitive problems.

My DH calls me “The missus” 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds like your wife has some serious anxiety/health issues and she will pass this on to your DC, unfortunately from your last update she doesn’t seem to recognise it’s a problem but the sooner she does the better, it’s not fair on your DC to be limited so much as she should be free to learn and explore.

It sounds to me like you don't like your wife very much. For what it's worth, me and my partner don't get on and I genuinely feel that I can't be my usual cuddly self to DC when he is here. So there might be something in your broken relationship that is manifesting itself this way. The issue about getting dirty or making noise needs addressing, calmly when DD isn't home. It might be that splitting up frees you all of this unhappy constrained life.

Sounds like your wife suffers from ocd and needs help with her mental health.

@LumpySpaceGoddess I was going to say the same thing. 'The missus' and he adores me and I'm not married to him! the wife sounded like a southern expression

Many will disagree with me but I suggest that if your wife refuses to see a family therapist your next step should be speaking to a doctor yourself. Your concerns need to be documented.

I've not known anxiety-based controlling people to be curable.

Since you don't have a great relationship and you don't seem to like the DW, you might consider divorce. Also, maybe you can go ahead and start the child in child therapy until she can run far far away at 18.

Man up? That’s a gross phrase.

Also I see no resentment in mums behaviour, definitely obsessive, anxious and phobic behaviour but nothing to suggest resentment.

Mum most definitely needs some help, luckily there’s lots out there. I’d start with MAST and GP perhaps some therapy some and family.

I thought it was a typo as you said My Wife later on in your post.

Some people are so picky!

Thank you, @MWNA . You are absolutely right.

And I apologize if I upset someone with "the wife". It was an honest mistake.

Please advocate for your daughter in the strongest way OP.

You wife is putting her anxiety onto your daughter and this will impact her if it hasn't already.

What happens if you go against your wife's wishes? For example say "no, she is helping me cook" or "I'm taking DD up for a bath".

What about things like swimming pools? Dance classes? Does DD miss out on activities for fear of germs?

You need to be really clear with your wife that her behaviour is no within the range of 'normal' and that you will not allow your DD to suffer because of it. You can support your wife if she will get help, but if she won't, you need to take a bit of a firm hand and trust your instincts a little more around your DD's wellbeing.