In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

Amazing that such horrid people have managed to bring up a son to be so lovely.
Ignore them

What a lovely husband you have. His relatives sound jealous and ignorant. Ignore them, it's your lifestyle choice not theirs. Hope it works out for you both.

I think you need a few stock phrases to rebut their remarks eg:-
"I hope you never have to realise the ignorance of your statements".
"That was incredibly rude and unnecessary."
"Thank heavens you are keeping the country afloat with your contribution to society.. I mean economic contribution. Well done you."
It's hard when you are a decent person to come down to the level of your in-laws so rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

It’s none of their business. But I do think that if the aim is for him to return to work eventually then the length of the break need to be carefully considered. 5 years is a very long time to be out of work and in many industries he may need to start his career from scratch. Likewise many large organisations help and faciliate carers by allowing remote and flexible working - I’m working for an organisation like that now with a DSD with ASD and a Mil with CHF living with me. I earn a very good amount of money too - so I can buy in care services.

That’s called ableism @WellitsNotideal and yes you are being judged.

It’s amazing the ideas that people hold, even those who look so nice from the outside.
And the idea that your DH should have a get out clause is very common. That’s why so many men leave their partner when they get ill or disabled.
(Note that women do not get that ‘get out’ clause but instead are expected to give it all up to look after their dh. So there is a lot if misogyny there too).

My way of dealing with it is to ignore completely those comments and concentrate on those who are treating me like a person. Your DH is great, so I’d concentrate on that and scream in head ‘oh fuck off’ if they start.

I can just imagine what they'd be saying if the shoe was on the other foot. You would not doubt be 'abusive' then if you didn't give up your career to look after him and the baby.

Hope it works out for you both. I would leave him to deal with his family - these are his choices and yes he does need to think through the implications but if he's satisfied it's the right choice it's really none of their business.

Do you mean it has already been 5 years?
If so I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this shit from them for 5 years.

I would just not bother being in contact with them. Your husband is doing the in sickness qnd in health thing perfectly well.

If it's not been 5 years yet then I'd take it a year at a time unless you know for sure it needs to be 5 years.

It’s good news you have found a solution that works for you.
But I do see what MIL is saying, it isn’t ideal, no. No one really wants to reduce their income, stop pension contributions etc at the height of their career. But sometimes you have to. If she said that I think I would be inclined to agree with her and say ‘no it isn’t ideal but we had no other options’.

I’d feel that it was far from ideal if my son ended up in this situation too tbh.

They should support you DPs choice as long as they feel that he had a genuine choice, but it’s understandable that they’re disappointed for their son.

Wow! I'd be PROUD of my son!!

Why do you need a carer, are you disabled?

Who are they suggesting look after you- and by extension your child - if you do give him that ‘get out clause’?

A son any mother should be proud of. Putting his wife and family first. What a fantastic husband. It is no one else's business and tell them that very firmly. Cut off contact with them if you need to. If you need a carer then you most definitely do not need their BS. Best wishes to you OP.

There seems to be some vital information missing from the original post

Had to get your own little snippy prejudices in didn’t you, before wrapping up with a vaguely positive line.

Like what? The gory details about the OP’s medical information?

One of my children became a full time carer for their spouse. I am both very proud of them for this, and dismayed at the total devestation of their life. No one wants their child to live in poverty.

Exactly

Surely it depends on why you need a carer for the next five years.
I wouldn't be happy if my son gave his career up if his partner had anxiety for example. I would expect that the partner would be doing everything they could to get themselves better, sitting at home and having their partner do everything for them wouldn't be ideal.
If you have been diagnosed with a life limiting illness my opinion would be different.
I expect this is why it has been left out of the original post, it is probably anxiety or depression and that is why his family is unhappy.

I understand their concerns. I’d feel the same if one of mine did it. But I’d probably only point out the pitfalls to them privately once, and then shut up in front of them.

I would feel sad for either of my dc if they ended up being a full time carer in most situations.

Because it usually leads to a very limited family income, a restricted social life, poor pension prospects and stepping away from a career.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't respect my dc for taking on this difficult role but I wouldn't choose it for them.

I'd say it depends on why he's your carer to be honest.

Is he being a stay at home Dad to your child or a carer for you? It’s not clear from your post. Will your care needs disappear when your child starts school?

Sorry but the family in that case has to butt out.

Because it is likely that they will have NO IDEA of the extend the OP is struggling. The ones who know are the OP and her dh.
It is up to them to decide what works best, not the family.

As for the 'Well if its not life limiting, then you should be able to cope'... you really have no idea what chronic ilness can do to people. But instead of acknowledging your ignorance, your prefer to judge.
Great <huge sarcasm>