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Original poster

In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

310 replies

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 11:55

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

OP posts:
dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:13

You shouldn't need to reveal the details, and your in-laws shouldn't be judgemental.
BUT if your DP's profession has such a massive shortage that he can walk back into a job with no detriment in 5 years... surely he can at least go part-time?

Don't get me wrong, they seem to think that you're lazy and that's completely wrong, but like the 'SAHM' choice. If your DP working and buying in care allows you to break even, I think you should go for that as opposed to benefits. A lot can change in 5 years, he might not necessarily be able to walk back into a job at the same level.

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:14

I think what annoys me os they’ve never once offered any help we were having to ‘buy in’ help cleaners , childcare etc etc and they haven’t asked what can we do ? But are now happy to give us their opinions and it hurts a lot.

Some of my conditions are MH - anxiety, depression, OCD, autism and some are physical (one the result of an injury from an accident recently, the others I feel possibly triggered by the stress of that) and other ones that it seems are just bad luck but I feel like I’m falling apart at the age of 37

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/05/2023 14:16

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Why do they think you've made a lifestyle choice? Do they not believe that your medical conditions are genuine?

LimeCheesecake · 18/05/2023 14:18

What will change when your dc is school age then? Not being flippant, but this does seem like a forever decision for your DP and you are both kidding yourselves it’s temporary.

if your DO was my son, I might be trying to suggest a retrain into a career he can work from home and use a nursery for childcare (this rather presumes I’m not in a position to help out with childcare), rather than stop altogether if it’s unlikely to be just 5 years you need him at home for.

If you are in the centre of a crisis, you might just think “I need help now/I need to help her now”, whereas family might see a long term plan is needed.

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 14:19

For those who would be disappointed in their children becoming carers - does that include caring for you as you get older?
Caring for any disabled children they might have?

If your children are too precious and important to become carers, who should?

starfishmummy · 18/05/2023 14:19

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 13:21

Well harshly yes, seeings how she's said they have a baby.

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Disabled people are allowed to have babies you know.

Or people can become disabled/ill as a result of pregnancy or after they have had a baby.

saraclara · 18/05/2023 14:20

Papernotplastic · 18/05/2023 14:11

I don't believe there are many careers you can put down and pick up again after 5 years. Caring is hard, thankless and soul destroying work, it is not what I wish for my children's future

This ^

Yep. In all honestly, to a lesser or greater degree, this is what I would feel.

I'd try not to. After all I've spent a lifetime career working with children with disabilities and their parents (who will be lifelong carers). But I'd be very sad adout that decision. No way would I say anything though.

dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:23

OP despite rationalising it I think the family are just not compassionate. If they had thought of practical things that is what they'd have said /helped with.

Maybe they also disagree with you having a baby - if you'd had 'diagnosis after diagnosis' for the last few years adding more complexity and expense isn't going to help, is what they're thinking.

Also.. if you are ND... there is a high probability your child might be too. They might have difficulties etc in school, which would undo your entire 5 year plan.

If they won't help just ignore them, but you do need a backup plan instead of your DP just giving up work. Long-term if his job won't be flexible he needs to find something that is.

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:24

starfishmummy · 18/05/2023 14:19

Disabled people are allowed to have babies you know.

Or people can become disabled/ill as a result of pregnancy or after they have had a baby.

Show quote history

This is my situation- I was managing my medical conditions fine pre dc. My last pregnancy had complications then I had an accident and have lasting effects plus I have sudden autoimmune conditions which I think were triggered by pregnancy complication and accident so it’s not something I could have predicted

OP posts:
Shivermytimber · 18/05/2023 14:24

I say this kindly but please be mindful that changing to the carer/ patient roles for you and your DP may put a strain on your relationship. Carers fatigue can be lonely and isolating. Short term it can work but for 5 years it will become a risk.
Always better for the relationship to outsource if you can. I would try and ignore your in laws views if you can, these can’t be helpful when you are already struggling and they should never have aired these views to you.

lakesummer · 18/05/2023 14:24

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 14:19

For those who would be disappointed in their children becoming carers - does that include caring for you as you get older?
Caring for any disabled children they might have?

If your children are too precious and important to become carers, who should?

I absolutely don't want my dc becoming carers for me.
I want them out living their lives at that stage in their lives.

I happily worked as a support worker for some years. I am happy to use professional carers. People who earn a wage and get to go home and have a break and live their own lives.

I have decent pension provision and have paid into the system as required over the years.

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:24

I just feel like they are all generous with their opinions but not generous with support or kindness

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/05/2023 14:25

Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 14:19

For those who would be disappointed in their children becoming carers - does that include caring for you as you get older?
Caring for any disabled children they might have?

If your children are too precious and important to become carers, who should?

Yes. No way would I want my children to end up caring for me full time.
If they had a disabled child, they might have no choice but to be a carer. And yes, I'd be sad for them. Not disappointed in their decision, but disappointed that their lives would be so restricted.

As above, I've worked alongside parents of severely learning disabled children for decades, and I know the stress and the difficulties that they have to endure, however much they love their child

dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:25

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:24

This is my situation- I was managing my medical conditions fine pre dc. My last pregnancy had complications then I had an accident and have lasting effects plus I have sudden autoimmune conditions which I think were triggered by pregnancy complication and accident so it’s not something I could have predicted

Show quote history

Your 'last' pregnancy? How many children do you have?

dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:25

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:24

I just feel like they are all generous with their opinions but not generous with support or kindness

Then you just need to cut them out of your lives.

whatchagonnado · 18/05/2023 14:26

The significant loss of his income could have a hugely detrimental effect on your lifestyle and could set you back further. Having money gives you options and access to resources. Is there no other way? What does he do? Can he get back in to his career easily?

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:26

Shivermytimber · 18/05/2023 14:24

I say this kindly but please be mindful that changing to the carer/ patient roles for you and your DP may put a strain on your relationship. Carers fatigue can be lonely and isolating. Short term it can work but for 5 years it will become a risk.
Always better for the relationship to outsource if you can. I would try and ignore your in laws views if you can, these can’t be helpful when you are already struggling and they should never have aired these views to you.

I tried this I had a personal budget as well as PIP and every carer / PA employed just wasn’t nice and I felt either humiliated or an inconvenience and I couldn’t face looking for another so we gave up on that. Then we tried the cleaner / help with laundry/ childcare route and that hasn’t worked as DP was part time but he was through bad luck ending up missing his days as I was unwell when he needed to work

OP posts:
Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:27

dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:25

Your 'last' pregnancy? How many children do you have?

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2

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 18/05/2023 14:31

dogsanddolphines · 18/05/2023 14:25

Your 'last' pregnancy? How many children do you have?

Show quote history

It doesn't matter. The OP had kids that she was able to look after. It's unfortunate that things habe changed since then, but an accident is hardly predictable.

theleafandnotthetree · 18/05/2023 14:32

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:26

I tried this I had a personal budget as well as PIP and every carer / PA employed just wasn’t nice and I felt either humiliated or an inconvenience and I couldn’t face looking for another so we gave up on that. Then we tried the cleaner / help with laundry/ childcare route and that hasn’t worked as DP was part time but he was through bad luck ending up missing his days as I was unwell when he needed to work

Show quote history

I am genuinely trying not to be unkind OP and can only imagine what a time you have had but the only person you have anything positive to say about is your partner. I find it hard to believe that every member of your partners family plus every carer or PA you have employed has been a disappointment or worse. Do you think that you might yourself be not the easiest to deal with or to be supportive of? Apart from anything else, your reliance on your partner as this sort of 'saviour' puts a lot on him. Truthfully, if he was my son or brother, I would be sad for him.

ShimmeringShirts · 18/05/2023 14:33

There is a way to voice your disappointment at the circumstances - I don’t think anyone would be happy that a family member was struggling with their disability nor that it meant their child has to give up on their career. The way they’ve went about it is cold and callous though.

NoraBattysCurlers · 18/05/2023 14:33

ChristmasRoses · 18/05/2023 12:56

Wow! I'd be PROUD of my son!!

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It is possible to be disappointed for him that he has had to take such a difficult decision, and proud of him making the difficult decision at the same time.

CantGetDecentNickname · 18/05/2023 14:34

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:24

I just feel like they are all generous with their opinions but not generous with support or kindness

You need to say this to them. I would be avoiding them as much as possible and not rushing to facilitate a relationship between them and with their DGC as they seem very toxic and might run you down to them.

As for the BIL/SIL thinking you are making a "lifestyle choice"! Words fail me here, but am sure with the passing of time that one day they will understand when something happens to them.

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:38

theleafandnotthetree · 18/05/2023 14:32

I am genuinely trying not to be unkind OP and can only imagine what a time you have had but the only person you have anything positive to say about is your partner. I find it hard to believe that every member of your partners family plus every carer or PA you have employed has been a disappointment or worse. Do you think that you might yourself be not the easiest to deal with or to be supportive of? Apart from anything else, your reliance on your partner as this sort of 'saviour' puts a lot on him. Truthfully, if he was my son or brother, I would be sad for him.

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I can see how it would look that way but it’s not me ! I think I’ve just been unlucky and encountered people who haven’t been as supportive as they could be. For balance my GP and consultants are supportive, DSD (adult) when she visits is always kind and supportive

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 18/05/2023 14:40

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:38

I can see how it would look that way but it’s not me ! I think I’ve just been unlucky and encountered people who haven’t been as supportive as they could be. For balance my GP and consultants are supportive, DSD (adult) when she visits is always kind and supportive

Show quote history

That's good to hear and sorry I got it wrong. And thank you for being gracious about it. Bad and good luck play a more outsized role in life than we give them credit for.

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