In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

I don't understand.
Is a sever mental health condition not deserving of compassion, care and generosity of spirit?
You cannot be saying that only people who are physically disabled are entitled to care.

I'm so sorry to hear you are in such ill health. I can understand why you are so upset at hearing their views but maybe they have a point of view which is worth considering.

I've watched as a close family member did just what you are proposing. It didn't go well. Having good intentions and a good heart doesn't seem to make much of a difference when it comes to the long term effect of the relentless thankless task of caring.

I think you have to find alternative options. You could have him take 6 months and in that time he can arrange full time carers that you like and find a wrap around nursery which won't be making your child ill. I cannot see any way in which asking a young guy to sacrifice his career to become a carer is the right answer.

Op are you being realistic to how supportive these people should be? Your cleaner and childcare providers level of support to you is not going to be anywhere near the level that your GP and Consultants and Stepdaughter will be.

They are there to do a job eg clean etc and not there to be supportive.

I have a disability, I have child with SEN. So I get disability and I get what it means to provide care.

Your DH is already your carer in that, a carer looks after a family member, partner or friend, who couldn't cope without their support.

What the plan is, for him, to increase the number of hours direct care he provides to you. Also, to take on more of a share on childcare and housework.

I think I would forget the PIL, their views may push you into a corner. Focus on whether this is a good ideal holistically. Finances, pension, household dynamics, kid's education and well-being. Think carefully about what this means for your relationship. Maybe read some blogs or stories written by carers, so, you can see what impact this may have on your relationship.

Maybe you can tell by the tone of this post that I don't necessarily think it is a good idea. But, I don't know your full family circumstances. Upto you both to decide.

I’d be dismayed if my son gave up his career and ambitions for five years to be a carer. Five years is - in this fast-moving age - a VERY long time to be absent from the workplace - particularly when you are still climbing the ladder. I wouldn’t be happy letting my DH to do that for me either - I’d find it an unreasonable ask (even if he offered)

play the long game OP, your chance for revenge will present itself eventually

I also don't think people are being nosey asking what the condition is that requires full time care for the next five years.
Of course the actual diagnoses will affect people's opinion.
OP's partners family clearly care about him and his future, being blasé about it and hoping it works out and he just steps back into his career after a five year break is reckless.
He will also most likely lose a lot of his opportunities to go out independently and meet friends/family (will OP be okay to be left alone now and again?)
It is a HUGE commitment to be someone's full time carer and if it was my son/daughter in this position I hope they would have explored every other avenue before they agreed to take on the role. If that makes me an awful person then so be it.

What on earth does this mean? Are you on the wrong thread?

I would support my child decision but this would not be what I had envisioned for them. I would be concerned about the impact of a five year break.

I agree with these comments too. OP says she needs care due to autism, anxiety, OCD and some physical conditions.

I’ an autistic woman too, and I know that sometimes it’s hard to see how a different viewpoint could possibly be right.

I do wonder though how ALL of the people you encountered were terrible, and how your DH’s family are ALL totally unsupportive. It makes me think that perhaps your expectations are unreasonably high, and maybe unrealistic.

OP, As someone else said, your DH was already in carer’s role but doing fewer hours. Maybe trying to balance up your needs with work was just too exhausting for him. And that’s understandable. I think it’s worth reconsidering the use of outside resources to support your DH otherwise he will burn out. Being a carer 24/7 is incredibly hard. This might mean a cleaner who isn’t your best friend - but as long as they clean well and are professional, that’s all that matters.

Are you currently having counselling to help with your MH? It might be something worth exploring.

I think if I'm honest I'd agree with them. I would not want that life for my son particularly given you seem to be in a position to hire outside help but would rather he do it .

I probably wouldn't say it though!

OP, I took a brief break in my career to care for a close family member. And as much as I loved him, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that it was just temporary (not even a year) and that a plan was being put together for professional help. Your Dh is undoubtedly confident that this is for the best but in my view this is really not good you him, or for you as a couple.

I'd give professional help another chance.

I'd be willing to bet a pound to a penny that if the roles were reversed and it was their son/brother that needed care they wouldn't be bleating on about get out clauses and lifestyle choices, they'd fully expect you to do it.

Of course it's not 'ideal' life rarely is, illness and disability can strike anyone at any time. Would I be sad if my brother ended up caring for his partner? Yes because I want my family to be safe, well and happy not because I don't think he should be doing it. I'd be bloody proud of him mostly.

Good luck to you OP.

Nah, I’d be pretty upset if my son took five years out of his life to be a carer to his wife. 5 months is a break, 5 years is effectively damaging a career. It hasn’t even been 5 years since Covid and think of all the changes in the workplace since Spring 2020.

From reading the posts, I get the feeling that OP wants to create a bubble for herself and her family. Keep hubby at home, keep baby at home because it doesn’t ‘work’ for OP and her disabilities. It sounds a bit selfish and his family are right to be upset.

It’s a family business (my families - it’s how I met DP) so he is guaranteed to be able to return when he’s ready to.

Im not dissatisfied with everyone - our cleaner is amazing it just wasn’t enough , so she still does 4 hours a week but it doesn’t make the huge difference that DP being off does , the nursery was just making dd unwell it’s wasn’t that they were a bad nursery - she kept getting bugs and I get so ill if I catch anything plus she wasn’t sleeping as wasn’t happy so we decided to take her out and she’s settled now we get more sleep and she isn’t making me ill constantly we are considering sending her again when she is a bit older

Ha ha - got accused of snippy little prejudices for not wanting my DC to give up everything to be a carer. (Personal comments not allowed by the way Tiddlypomtiddlypom ). Having done it myself for five years I know what it is like. It's hell, however much you love someone - and it's not what you'd wish for a child of yours. It really isn't, (as many people have honestly said).

Apparently though they are all "ableists" and therefore Evil People.
And if people post their personal circumstances it's hardly evil to ask for more detail as many have. (And I made no comment on OP - only on her family - if you re-read you'll see that).

Wow! I sincerely hope you’re not put in the position that OP, me and many others have been put in. When I became disabled my husband gave up work to look after me and our daughters - I was fine before I had children before those comments start rolling in. Simply because he loved me, no more, no less.

My DH has seen me at my absolute worst, but equally my absolute best. We laugh together everyday, we still have sex (shock horror to some) and love each other deeply.

I’m so glad I married my husband as opposed to one with some of the views on here. I’m also glad that DH family do not share the views on here, I’d be heartbroken, instead I’m incredibly proud to call DH my husband, as you should be OP, it’s a horrible situation.

I wish both you and your husband all the best OP

This

I am sorry for your situation OP but can you please answer the question many have asked - what makes you think all will be fine in 5 years? You pulled your baby out of nursery in part because they picked up illnesses and passed them onto you - bugs run rife in primary schools too! What will you do then - get your DH to start homeschooling too? FWIW I agree with those who say that you are asking a lot of your husband

I’ve an autoimmune condition and have 2 children. The youngest 6 months. It’s incredibly difficult, the pregnancy was awful and I ended up having blood transfusions and a really difficult recovery. My in laws have done nothing to help us. It’s very obvious they don’t approve of his choice of partner. It’s sad how people think we have nothing to offer when a little help from them would go so far. We are not on this earth to earn money and abandon our humanity. What’s a person to do, jump from partner to partner in the event they get unwell, it can happen to anyone at any point. What’s wrong with people now. Perhaps if they offered help in the beginning it wouldn’t have got to this point for you. I know I run myself ragged and I’m making myself worse because I’ve no support whatsoever, apart from my partner. I’m sure they are hoping that it gets too much for him and he leaves. Nasty people. What are people with disabilities and health conditions supposed to do, just lock ourselves away and die so we don’t upset others!

OP has not mentioned a husband. Is he just a boyfriend OP? Hugely risky to quit employment and become utterly dependent on a boyfriend without the legal protections of marriage, whose house is it?

Because it’s not the same to look after a baby than to look after a 5yo
because it’s likely that a 5yo won’t be sent home poorly as often as a baby
because a 5yo doesn’t get as many colds and bugs as a toddler which also means they are less likely to give it to the OP.

These are probably the same in-laws who will expect him to care for them when they reach old age, right?

the differences between just cohabiting and marriage

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I’m going to be a minority I’m sure but I agree with your in laws. A few months I would probably bite my tongue over but 5 years. That’s so irresponsible. The implications of this are far reaching.