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Original poster

In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

310 replies

WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 11:55

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

OP posts:
diddl · 18/05/2023 13:21

DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break.

Quite an important point I think.

This is surely what would stop it being possible for a lot of people?

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 13:21

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 13:09

Like what? The gory details about the OP’s medical information?

Show quote history

Well harshly yes, seeings how she's said they have a baby.

shivawn · 18/05/2023 13:25

I don't understand the timeline, why is it until the baby is school age?

Is he taking time off to be your carer or is it to care for the baby full time?

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 13:26

I also find it really intresting to see how nosy people are.
The whole 'so what is that you are suffering from' so people both can sasiete their curiosity and/or judge how ill the OP is even though they know nothing about the OP and very little about the illness....

Its crazy because even if you do have the diagnosis and know what the OP is suffering from, it STILL won't tell you what the OP needs are because, even with the same illness, people will be affected in a variety of ways....

But still how can anyone actually believe a chronically ill person when they say they need care? Its well known they are all trying it on right?

Ableism, ableism all the way.

AuntyPonsonby · 18/05/2023 13:27

it STILL won't tell you what the OP needs are because,

So tell us!

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 13:27

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 13:21

Well harshly yes, seeings how she's said they have a baby.

Show quote history

And???

Are you saying

  • how can they have a baby together if she is chronically ill
  • i don't believe she can be that ill now if she has just had a baby
Wat else? Why do you need to know, apart from trying to tear the OP apart and judge away?
RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 13:31

AuntyPonsonby · 18/05/2023 13:27

it STILL won't tell you what the OP needs are because,

So tell us!

Well it's in the OP.

The OP needs are such that she needs care at home. Theyve tried various combination of childcare, help at home etc and iots not working.

What else do you need to know?

Or do you want a run down, PIP style of whats going on

  • can she feed herself, cook a meal
  • can she deal with toiletring needs and wiping her bum
  • can he take medication
  • can she have a shower or does she needs help to wash herself
  • how far can she walk
  • is she in pain
  • is she seeing someone for her condition? is she taking medication
LimeCheesecake · 18/05/2023 13:32

Perhaps they don’t believe it will just be 5 years as if you need care, that’s not going to change when your dc is at school - or if it’s just that your dp needs to care for the baby (and you are fine at home alone) they are trying to say he should put your DC in a nursery/with a childminder full time and return to work.

If it’s the latter, he’s just getting the same shit most woman who become SAHMs get from family “devastated” they’ve given up their careers to be at home.

Wenfy · 18/05/2023 13:33

TidyHomeTidyMind · 18/05/2023 13:16

Surely it depends on why you need a carer for the next five years.
I wouldn't be happy if my son gave his career up if his partner had anxiety for example. I would expect that the partner would be doing everything they could to get themselves better, sitting at home and having their partner do everything for them wouldn't be ideal.
If you have been diagnosed with a life limiting illness my opinion would be different.
I expect this is why it has been left out of the original post, it is probably anxiety or depression and that is why his family is unhappy.

In cases of anxiety and depression it’s safer for the kids to have the other parent at home.

Schoolchoicesucks · 18/05/2023 13:40

They are shit for criticising the choices you and your husband have made for your family whilst not being willing to offer any solutions, yes.

If their concern is "Taxpayer money" then please just ignore them.

If they are concerned about dh's loss of income, career prospects, independence etc then perhaps they have a perspective but it's likely something you have already considered.

What will change when dc is 5 that will allow dh to resume his career?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 18/05/2023 13:41

@WellitsNotideal they are shit and so are nosey people here.

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 18/05/2023 13:49

If you can afford to live on savings for 5 years that's fine I can't see what it's got to do with them if he's a high earner who can take a break and return to his job afterwards with little detriment to his career (except the progression he may have made in that time). I'd have thought it'd be cheaper to pay for a carer ft though with little financial impact, is there any reason it needs to be your husband providing care?

Hollyppp · 18/05/2023 13:54

Feel like it’s hard to comment without the missing info being provided.
do you need a carer due to illness or is this help look after your child/ baby?

readbooksdrinktea · 18/05/2023 13:55

Five years is a long time. I'd worry too, but I wouldn't have said it.

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 13:57

RemainAtHome · 18/05/2023 13:27

And???

Are you saying

  • how can they have a baby together if she is chronically ill
  • i don't believe she can be that ill now if she has just had a baby
Wat else? Why do you need to know, apart from trying to tear the OP apart and judge away?
Show quote history

But it's all relative to give a balanced view on whether the inlaws are being unreasonable?? Like a pp said if its depression or anxiety I can see why the inlaws are up in arms. If she's paralysed that's completely different.

mydoghasanattitude · 18/05/2023 13:59

I think it depends on the situation, honestly... Ultimately, it's not their decision, and they should respect their son's choices, but without knowing more of the background, it's hard to say if they're unreasonable for thinking it's a bad idea, even if they should phrase it differently or keep their opinions private.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 14:03

You just know those gagging for the OP’s medical information are praying it’s something they can scoff at, like a mental health condition, or chronic fatigue, or something else they for which they can find her ‘lazy’.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/05/2023 14:04

I think they need to butt out, leave communication with them to your husband and he can speak to them as much as he sees fit. They are obviously not aware of what is going on in your family, and your BIL and SIL just sound plain nasty.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2023 14:05

Are they concerned you’re not married which potentially leaves him vulnerable as he won’t be working for such a long time? You’re very confident a 5 year break won’t impact his future employment prospects but for many people it would.

HeadNorth · 18/05/2023 14:05

I would be very concerned if either of my children had to give up their careers to be a full time carer for their partner. I don't believe there are many careers you can put down and pick up again after 5 years. Caring is hard, thankless and soul destroying work, it is not what I wish for my children's future. I think you have to accept your DP's parents are worried about the impact on their son of his choice and cut them some slack.

Fundays12 · 18/05/2023 14:09

Hi OP sorry his family are giving you a hard time. I am the main carer for our disabled child and honestly it's hard work. The hardest job i have ever had. Being honest as someone who was high up in recruitment for years I would think long and hard about your DP taking 5 years out of work. I have carried on working weekends as you can't undo 5 years of no work history or step back to were he was. It's something to be aware off. I don't know your situation so you may have no other alternatives but even if he spoke volunteer sometimes that will help

Original poster
WellitsNotideal · 18/05/2023 14:10

LakeTiticaca · 18/05/2023 13:01

Why do you need a carer, are you disabled?

I have multiple medical conditions/ disabilities. I didnt always have them all some I did some I didnt it’s been diagnosis after diagnosis for the last few years and we’ve just reached breaking point now so trying to take a temporary step to get on top of everything

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 18/05/2023 14:10

I see the grotesque ableists are out today.

What they and the OP’s dopey in-laws need to get into their heads is no one chooses to become or need a carer as a frivolous lifestyle choice.

It could happen to any of us at any time that we end up needing to care or be cared for.

No one, no matter how deeply they pore over the OPs medical history to determine if she is ‘allowed’ to need a carer, is immune to this possibility. No one.

I wonder would the in-laws be so anti this if it was their son needing a carer or would they say it’s a spouse’s duty.

Honestly this place brings out more Daily Mail style commenters on a daily basis - selfish, stupid, ableists just frothing to find someone they can judge and shit on, to make themselves feel more important. A few sessions with the DWP or a PIP assessment would cure a lot of the superiority complexes .

steff13 · 18/05/2023 14:11

I don't think that they should be making comments, but I certainly understand their concerns. I wouldn't think that being a full-time carer is the life that any of us wants for our child.

Papernotplastic · 18/05/2023 14:11

I don't believe there are many careers you can put down and pick up again after 5 years. Caring is hard, thankless and soul destroying work, it is not what I wish for my children's future

This ^