In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

Well they do if they’ve not been exposed to any historically.

Your autism, mental health issues should be addressed and managed professionally not by your husband

Your auto immune disease - They could be managed by meds/carers

Pride would stop me doing what you have I just couldn’t allow it at all!

Id rather get a nanny

OP - sorry but I this is a huge ask of your OH.
You say his career won't be affected, but he may not want to return working for your family business.

You explain of the lack of support from your in laws- what about your family?
Why hasn't care or support worked so far?

You are in need of support OP , but your OH can't have his life and career consumed by being your carer.

Also I do hope you manage to find a way forward with your autoimmune issues. Never give up searching for solutions. People do and can improve

@CovertImage and as long as the ableists and their excusers - they are not inappropriately nosey, they are asking OP to give detailed private info so they can pull her needs to pieces - I will continue to froth.
And I hope the people on here who think a decent partner stepping up to care for his partner is a fate worse than death for him and an indulgence for her, never find out that life can throw curveballs to anyone, no matter what they might wish for themselves and their loved ones.

I think you're dismissive of their valid concerns. And unrealistic in your expectation that they would have offered help when you had a DC in nursery, carers and a cleaner.

What help did your family offer to enable you to receive care at home and DH to continue his career? Presumably as he works in your family business they could have been more accommodating with hours and work/life balance.

It sounds as though your ILs were unkind in how they expressed their concerns but your failure to even acknowledge the financial and professional risks inherent in your DH giving up his career for 5 years must be frustrating. Perhaps your DH didn't plan to work for your family for 5 years or to feel dependent on them for his career. You're also minimising the impact on the relationship and on the MH of both of you.

I'd be concerned if my DC was dependent on their ILs for their income and then planned a 5-yr career break on the basis their earning potential would still be dependent on ILs after that 5 years. Being a carer is isolating and stressful. As is being ill.

I agree.
Rights of a person needing care does not trump the rights of a carer.

You seem to hold it against your DP’s family that they haven’t offered to help, but are they even in a position to be able to help regularly? Are they healthy enough to be able to do so?

How much do your family do to help with childcare and cleaning?

Exploited???? As a disabled person myself, how fucking DARE you?????

OP has already clarified her diagnosis and disabilities.

I say this in the nicest possible way my DS is autistic and I am not prejudiced against disabled people or MH issues. What happens in 5 years time if you do not feel any different have you considered that possibility. Your child may be at school so I appreciate some things will change but if you still need care then what happens. Maybe you need to shorten the timeframe. Have you considered other options ie Nursery and carers for you. Your DH sounds amazing but care is not easy and sometimes family may feel like they have to voice what others may not. It sound like they are doing it poorly though. Did you ask for support and they refused if so I would be angry with them. Dont write yourself off for 5 years and try to get some other support. If your DH becomes a carer there are support groups out there and should be for you also.

One weekend a month my parents take the dc for us. They are pretty busy the rest of the time with the business but they always do this.
Regular phone calls and texts just to try and be supportive.
My sister will sometimes do some batch cooking for me and for dd so we have a stocked up freezer.
DP has work whenever and however he wants to return, they also help us out with things like Xmas

How does your husband being a carer help with OCD, MH and anxiety? Sorry but I don't see how they really matter or that you need a carer with those conditions you obviously got married and had children so are capable enough. I know its rude to ask and obvs do or don't reply but you haven't given any info on what medical conditions you have that actually require a carer or how it actually affects you apart from being tired.

Are you able to walk/feed/toilet yourself or is that what you need help with? I would be strongly rethinking about your husband taking over this sort of care. It will change a relationship. I know I would never let my husband give up his job to care for me, he's the last person I would want to do that as I would still want him to see me as his partner, his equal, his wife. I imagine, especially with toileting and washing, it would be difficult to see a person in the same romantic way.

Can you not see why his family arent happy? It will massively affect your lives and futures, nobody would want their child being a carer for their partner at that age, especially if you do have other options. Is he going to be fully responsible for 2 young children and a wife? Do you ever read the posts of people with carer strain for their children or parents on here? Its horrendous and takes a toll on the carers health/mental health and their relationship with their "patient." 5years is a lifetime. Sometimes caring for your own family is seen as this heroic lovely thing to do, IRL it is never-ending, dull, exhausting, painful,lonely etc

What is going to massively change after 5 years and why have you decided 5years? It just seems so drastic to leave a job and cut family finances to so little when you have 2 children. And things in your parents company may also change in 5yrs, we don't know what's round the corner.

And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon no I will not ask my children to care for me and I would never ask my husband to be my carer ever

I think most of the people who's posts are similar to mine are speaking from experience.

Also what practical support is it you want from his family?
And when you say your family help you out at Christmas do you mean with money?

When you say helping you out at Christmas, do you mean with money or doing practical things? If financially, can you not see that as your parents employ dp, they have a much better idea of his /your family finances than PIL would have.

I think what conditions she has or how they affect her are important to her question though. If they don't greatly affect her mobility or ability to care for herself then no I don't think her husband giving up his career to be a carer is indicated here and maybe his family do have more of a point. I'm not asking a name address and medical info. But a general condition or explanation of why she needs a carer is hardly confidential info. But nothing she has said here specifies any need for a carer. Unless ive missed something all I've seen is MH related which doesn't usually indicate a full time live in carer.

Also regardless of lifes curveball, if I had any other way, if I had access to carers who could come in then I would NEVER let my husband turn into my nurse. Sorry but no. Receiving intimate care can be dehumanizing and degrading and no way on earth would I want my husband washing my backside if I could get some random in instead. How are you keeping a marriage alive and doing that care day in day out. People are actually advising her that generally speaking this sort of all consuming all focused care is not good for marriages.

I would also worry your DP is taking it on trust that he’ll have a job to go to at your parents company in 5 years. That’s fine if you two stay together, or you support him returning to work, if you don’t, he’s not got a right to a job with them.

do your PIL work full time? If not, has DP asked if they would do a days childcare?

If they don't greatly affect her mobility or ability to care for herself then no I don't think her husband giving up his career to be a carer is indicated here and maybe his family do have more of a point.

Come on. How will you know that?
If the OP says she has mobility issues etc…. People will want to know what condition she has to evaluate themselves if that’s the case. Because they won’t trust her.
If the OP says what condition she has, people will tear it apart and talk about their grand mother cousin also had that and they cope well so doesn’t the OP? Never mind that people have different severity in their illness etc….

What about just trusting the OP on that? Or is someone who is chronically ill or disabled not trustworthy enough to be able to say if they need care or not?

The same applies to his family btw.
Most chronically ill people are extremely good to put in an act when they are out and about only to crumble when they get back home. It’s likely that the DH family never sees how bad the OP. And that they dint trust her (on their own son) to give an accurate description. Just like most posters on this thread.

@WellitsNotideal my db took early retirement to look after my dsil.
Not one member of our family commented because it’s not our business.
Dsil actually died relatively young and I’m sure my db doesn’t regret giving up work to spend that extra precious time with his dw.

No one knows how life will pan out for any of us. Hats off to your dh for being supportive. I wish you and your family well.

OP is completely entitled to keep her needs and diagnosis private. That does mean that advice is either completely skewed to her opinion of her situation (an opinion which has not once acknowledged the impact on her relationship and on her and her DH's MH; on their DCs; on her DH's earning potential, career prospects and independence) or posters will draw on their own experiences of needing care, providing care or having family members in a situation where one partner needs care or provides care.
Posters can't advise directly on OP's needs because she hasn't shared them. But it's ludicrous for other posters to then complain that posters don't know OP's situation. If no-one can comment unless they know OP's situation then there would be no posts on the thread. And if posters can only agree with OP's assessment of the situation, then there is no need for a thread because OP only wants agreement not advice.

A few years ago my mum met the mother of a school friend of my dsis. They did the usual chit-chat, asking about what the children were up to. The friend’s mum said that he’d just moved in with his girl friend. Mum said something anodyne about it being nice. She replied, “Yes, but she’s had a heart transplant. I still wish he’d met someone normal.”

At this point she became extremely embarrassed and tried to backtrack very rapidly, because she remembered that my sister was a transplant recipient.

The thing is, though, mum understood exactly what she meant. My sister needed a lot of care, and whilst mum (and dad) considered this their responsibility, they knew how much work caring can be. It’s not what they would want for their child.

It sounds like your DP is putting his future entirely in your hands. No work experience for 5 years then dependent on your family for a job - so presumably if you don’t want him to go back to work he won’t be able to, because your family will put you first. No wonder his parents are concerned for him.

Both practical and financial, we stay there over Xmas and new year each year usually about 10 days in total.

I have given exact MH conditions, and a general overview of other conditions (autoimmune and some physical issues) I don’t want to give specifics as it’s probably an unusual combination of things and I don’t want it to be identifying.
my mh issues and autism make it extremely difficult to manage the children without support. I often need to jay go off to be alone when overwhelmed multiple times a day.
I get some severe pain as well so need strong painkillers which often make me drowsy. I have ME as well I’m happy to disclose that as some days I’m stuck in bed.
That’s as much as I’m willing to say but I have other conditions too, I didn’t know pre dd that the pregnancy would cause me so many issues and I didn’t know I’d also have some lasting physical issues from an accident.