In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

I hate the idea that it's a 'lifestyle choice' or a free choice at all, when in fact (I assume) it's not your choice at all to be in a position to need a carer.
If the current plan involves caring for you while kids are preschool, presumably that means that a lot of what he's doing is caring for his own kids, and supporting you to have a good quality of life and be able to enjoy/appreciate /cope with (delete as appropriate) caring for your kids too. So it's not really just about you and him, it's a decision prioritising/balancing the needs of everyone in the family. How can it be wrong of him to look after his own kids and partner?
I can see worries people might have over a career break, but mums with under 5s do it all the time with no judgement. And women so often give up careers caring for older relatives (even in laws!) And the family are grateful.
Hopefully you and your DP can breathe deeply through these conversations and let them be water off a ducks back.
I have carers and it's taken me a lot of effort to get my head around it, especially the guilt of feeling like I must be lazy, taking advantage of people or just not worth much because of my disability. But I think whatever setup allows me and my family to best thrive and enjoy a really good quality of life is the best, and it's nobody else's business.

I feel you. I had three very severe and rare disorders caused by pregnancy. There’s only 39 women in the world with my conditions and I spent a year in hospital after giving birth and spent months in ICU.

my recovery has been long and hard. I was lucky that I was able to have a nanny and a cleaner and this was enough for us.

but I felt horrific and continue to do so. I also now do studies for the drs who want to learn more about my condition. Especially in a western country.

in some ways I feel blessed weirdly

OP - you aren’t engaging with why only 5 years- or is it you both aren’t facing that yet?

the more you post, the more it is clear it’s not until the dcs start school, but forever. If it was that you are unable to care for the dcs, then nursery /wrap around care would be an option, if it’s that you need care (and that is how it reads from your posts) then that won’t change when both dcs are in school full time.

It might be obvious to some but do you actually live with your boyfriend and is your child his too? You say DP so I assume that he is a boyfriend and not a husband as some have assumed.

If not, could that be what is making them so unhappy with the situation? It seems a bit odd for them to interfere if you and the boyfriend live together and your child is his too.

Your PIL can feel sad if they want (though any decent person would be concerned about both of you… I’m sure it’s not easy to deal with needing a carer ).

They don’t have a right to comment on your situation though. Unless there is any coercion involved, their job as is to be supportive or say nothing at all.

Is nursery not an option?! Or are you unable to care for yourself? If it’s an autoimmune condition (I have many) then wouldn’t the children being cared for by someone else really help and then you can focus on yourself? I think this is a bad choice to have your husband leave a steady job and I’d be deeply deeply concerned too. Single parents manage and so unless your husband is actually needed (which is sounds like it’s a want and not a need) I don’t understand this at all.

For all those people saying it's 'not ideal' for OPs DH, it's far from ideal for her that she has found herself diagnosed with multiple illnesses/disabilities.

I am sure nobody wishes more than her that this wasn't their situation but having a DH who steps up to support his family is only something to be proud of. And all this hand wringing about it being difficult to go back to a career, not everyone has a career, lots of people just have jobs and are more than able to find work after a break.

Of course it's not going to be easy and of course things are and will be hard but it sounds like @WellitsNotideal and her DH are making things work for them in really tough circumstances. I applaud you and your DH @WellitsNotideal and I'm sorry his family are shitty about it.

I’d be concerned about my child of either sex being a full time carer, it does definitely negatively effect your career prospects and your own mental health. Especially if 5 years was talked about straight away, as presumably the time period isn’t really known at the moment. My primary concern would always be for my own child and not their spouse. Although as an adult it’s their decision t be supported and unkind comments are obviously not ok. It would be nice if they’d offer help with the grandchildren but perhaps they aren’t in a position to. I’m not sure you’d have had the same answers if you were a man posting

@RemainAtHome As for the 'Well if its not life limiting, then you should be able to cope'... you really have no idea what chronic ilness can do to people. But instead of acknowledging your ignorance, your prefer to judge.
Great <huge sarcasm>
I have multiple chronic illnesses of my own so I have no intention of acknowledging any ignorance 🙄

Sorry but your husband being your carer will likely change the dynamic of your relationship. There will be resentment and he will not see you as a woman any more but as someone to take care of (like an old parent). I would think carefully about this. I hope I'm wrong but it feels your relationship is doomed if he does that

There will be resentment and he will not see you as a woman any more but as someone to take care of (like an old parent).

That's not a given.

He will be busy with the baby too as we took her out of nursery . She was getting sick all the time and passing it to me and it wasn’t working out and she was so unhappy . So if DP is looking after her I get the time to rest as have been really struggling to even carry her lately

@heartbroken40 how can you make such a sweeping statement without any knowledge of the OP or her partner?

It’s so depressing that people equate being disabled with care needs with being a burden to be resented. I’m guessing what you mean by ‘not see you as a woman’ you mean ‘not see you sexually’ because god forbid there are people who understand their partners are fully rounded human beings with various needs and don’t dehumanise them because of it.

Your statement says everything about you and nothing about the OPs relationship.

I think my biggest concern following the updates is burnout for DP.
Looking after a baby full time, another dc and being a full time carer seems like a lot of care for one person.

I went back to work part time to have a break after a year off work and I was only caring for twins.

Somehow your DP needs to make sure regular breaks are put in for himself as five years is a long time to keep this up.

I'd be concerned about my son or daughter in this position. I can't think of a career you can waltz back into after a 5 year break at the same level, plus you need to quantify 5 years loss of earnings / loss of pension. Presumably op the family will be reliant on his pension at retirement.

What will change in 5 years when baby is at school v being in nursery now?

Do you need a carer for personal care?

I do think his family could help there rather than criticizing.

But it's all relative to give a balanced view on whether the inlaws are being unreasonable?? Like a pp said if its depression or anxiety I can see why the inlaws are up in arms. If she's paralysed that's completely different.

Because only physical disabilities are real? If you can’t see it it doesn’t exist? I despair, I really do.

@WellitsNotideal can you reassure them that this is the best stop gap measure for your family for now but it won't always be like this, you will recover faster receiving the right care?

I agree with this tbh and do not blame your in laws for being concerned and to be honest I do wonder is the situation going to be resolved in 5 years. Will you suddenly not need caring once the kids go to school. is he going to become a life long carer.

Also is it entirely necessary to have removed your daughter from nursery. At least if she was in Nursery it would give your partner some break.

Honestly I would be outsourcing and making it work as I would be seriously concerned at how he having to be a full time carer would change your relationship. I think you need to reflect on why the other cleaning/ childcare/ other services failed and see if there are ways to fill the gaps.

I am so angry to see all the ableist comments on this thread.
None of us knows the OP's diagnoses - neither should we be asking.

It's like having to justify filling in a PIP form (and we know how awful that is), and proving to the DWP that you cannot manage their descriptors.

I am horrified that so many people are aghast because this man has chosen to be his partner's carer. If the sex roles were reversed nobody would bat an eyelid.

It is nobody's business except the OP and her partner's.

OP, your in-laws sound awful. Ignore them. I bet they wouldn't like to feel how you feel, or cope with your disabilities. It's pathetic that they're only worried about your partner. How about worrying about you for a change?

I cannot believe some of the judgy pants on this thread. You do realise you can have complications and disabilities due to pregnancy right? Nobody predicts this and if you haven't experienced this great. I have a degenerative condition in my hips which will require surgery in the next few years due to my last pregnancy 13 years ago. I do work in an active role but may not following surgery I hope the people around me aren't as judgemental.... do you op if it suits you both it's nobody else's business x

I'm sorry you're suffering so much with ill health. Your DH being your carer is part of 'in sickness and in health', isn't it? Many women are not so lucky when you look at the statistics of men who leave when their wives become ill.

How are these comments getting to your ears? If DH is repeating them to you then he needs to keep that shit to himself. Part of being your carer is to keep you from emotional harm. If they're saying them directly to you then you are within your rights to tell them nicely but firmly to shut the hell up. I'd start that with a sugar sweet "You (or Your parents) raised such a loving and compassionate son. Not all men would be so devoted to their ailing wife. What a lucky, lucky woman I am!" and take it from there.

I was thinking this too. If it’s actually a physical disability then they are genuinely awful.

I think it’s tough when a lot of the conditions sound MH related from reading previous posts, it’s hard for some people to see these as a real condition.

I myself very luckily have never suffered with my mental health and none of my family have either so I used to struggle with believing MH issues could be so debilitating and being really honest it seemed very self indulgent, but when I lived with my MIL for a short period and seen her issues first hand (major depression & anxiety & health anxiety) I had new sympathy for her and FIL. I’m not saying your in laws are right but I can see where they are coming from.

You're the one who seems to be frothing on this thread. A few other people have been inappropriately nosey