In laws and DP wider family very unhappy with him supporting me

[WellitsNotideal]

When they should actually be proud of him ?!!!

DP has taken a 5 year break to be my carer. His idea. His choice. Nothing else was working we had tried the alternative of a cleaner/ childcare / other help with things but it got so obvious that actually he needed to be here full time.

It’s not forever just till the baby is school age.

MIL has said ‘well it’s not ideal is it ? I didn’t want my son to end up a carer at his age’

FIL has said that I’m effectively abusive and should give DP a ‘get out clause’

BIL and SIL are suddenly up in arms about being taxpayers and funding my ‘lifestyle choice’

Not one of the above offered any help or practical support or emotional support at any point in the last few months but they are all very quick to offer criticism.

I feel like they’d rather watch us struggle well watch me struggle. DP can re enter work at any point it won’t be detrimental to his career it’s just a break. I’m just feeling so annoyed as felt the weight lifted when he said what he planned and now it’s all just come back down and I’m feeling judged

We’ve asked, he’s asked. They don’t want to help. So we stopped asking

I'm going to assume some people on the thread know nothing about how care works. Those saying 'I would never allow my husband/child/parents to care for me'....have you not heard about how dire the state of care is in this country? You likely will not have a choice for at least some of the time.

Unless you have private funds put away, you might at best get 1 or 2 carer(s) to help in the morning - to help put clothes on, maybe a quick wipe down or wash, do breakfast (you'll often have to have everything in and it will usually be something quick and simple like porridge or cereal) - all in a quick half hour (many carers only get paid per person so want to hop in and out as quickly as possible and onto their next job, it's not their fault they get lousy pay) you might (this is if you are extremely ill) get one to come in to give lunch and then another for bedtime prep. Some do get carers to help with shopping. Carers for whom it's a calling may do more for you if they can. But don't bet on it.

The other 20 or so hours of the day are not accounted for. Need help toileting, eating, looking after newborns, cleaning during in-between times, there is nothing. I have a relative with motor neurones and it has been a battle for them to get help. The carers range from excellent-and-highly-competent-and-caring, to total jobsworths and you cannot guarantee you'll always receive the same ones. There have been days when breakfast was given at lunchtime, or he wasn't changed, washed or left in his own excrement for e.g

24 hour care or through the night care has to be fought for and greenlighted by the NHS

If you are full time carer, you might get a half day off or a couple hours a week. Care to cover time for a holiday has to planned in advance and arranged through a social worker for funding.

That is the reality. Well at least it's the reality I've witnessed. If you truly have no one and live alone you may get more. As long as you live with family you will not receive round the clock care except in unusual and extreme cases.

When you are really sick you will lose a certain amount of control by proxy and depending on how your family set up is, your spouse who promised to live and care for you in sickness and health, will have to step up or in. Either that or relatives or friends.

And it helps society when they do. So families taking responsibility ought to be encouraged not discouraged as the social care system is on it's knees.

I keep explaining I was ok till complications and an accident late in my second pregnancy then I developed autoimmune conditions. I didnt know I couldn’t have predicted what would happen and I was already at that point committed to my pregnancy.

My children have a good quality of life

I think I will have to step away from this thread as i needed support not more criticism

You keep explaining that you want support, from your family, from your partner, from your partners family and, when they are old enough no doubt from the kids.
I think the frustration people are feeling on this thread is because you don't seem to have thought through supporting anyone else (you have repeatedly asked his family to help, In my opinion the first time they said no should have been enough. You don't know what else they are dealing with)
No one is saying you should be able to manage alone, what they are saying is that expecting all of your needs to be met by one person is too much. Your children alone will be enough to keep him fully occupied If you are unable to do 50%of the parenting.
I think there is a good chance he will burn out well before the five years are up...who will look after him when this happens?

Wow this thread has really brought out the worst of the worst of Mumsnet!!! How bloody dare you all be so horrendously ignorant, rude and ableist?!!
You should all be ashamed of yourselves!

@WellitsNotideal I'm so sorry that posters have been so shitty!

I hope none of you vipers ever need care yourselves!
Those saying they would be disappointed if their DC became carers. What if they themselves needed care? Would you expect their partners to be carers?

Have any of you any idea of how hard it is to find good carers? And retain them! Even the most generous care packages leave huge gaps of time when people are unsupported and need the care of their partner or extended family.

I'm assuming you're not addressing me here but I am a full time carer. Yes, I would be disappointed if my child found themselves in my position. You lose so much of yourself caring to that degree. I'm constantly having to be watchful for burnout. I also know a lot of other carers.

When my parents age a little further they are going to have to accept any care available, even if substandard care that may be available because I can't be stretched any thinner. I am just not available.

I think some posters have spoken because there has no been acknowledgement of the husband's needs and children's needs in this. It's all about meeting the needs of OP. To be fair, that's often what happens, which is part of the challenge of being a family carer. It's not at all ideal.

Honestly @mumsnet decided to keep some quite nasty posts going. I reported several. It is bloody unnecessary to tell someone they ought not to have had their kids.

I don't blame you for stepping away OP. In future there are certain things best not posted on Mumsnet, especially when you are vulnerable.

Ahh I see some of them were dealt with. 💐OP enjoy the rest of your weekend.

I agree.
In a situation where a family member needs care all that focus is on that person.
Carers are often forgotten about, even though they are taking on the needs of another they still have their own personal needs.
Carers often give up their careers, their social life, their own well being, and very often that goes unnoticed.

If I reach a situation where I need care I would not expect a family member- especially my children to care for me.
Being a carer can have a catastrophic impact.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease yes I'm talking to you and to all the other twats on this thread who seem to think it's ok to rip into a vulnerable person.
Burnout management is the responsibility of the individual not the person being cared for.

Surely as as their partner you at least need to consider how to help set the situation up to avoid this.
If any woman came on Mumsnet and said they as an unmarried person was going to give up working for five years to care for their partner and two children the advice would surely be to think again.
That the parents of the person doing this are concerned makes sense.

By that logic the care support of an individual is up to them, not others who may provide care.

Why??

It’s their partner, not a gf of a-few months.
The. Children are also HIS children.

What has the fact the OP is married or not has to do with it?

And btw, many may women have career breaks of 5 years when they have children. It’s actually pretty much the norm due to childcare cost.

But no one would ever bat an eye lid to that. Or rather they do at the idea that said male partner is keeping their career whilst theirs is going down the drain…

If it was a male partner who was ill?
Well statistics show clearly that men are 6 times more likely to leave their chronically ill partner. Because you guessed it, men are not expected to care for their partner, give up their career etc…
Women though? They are expected to care for their male partner and somehow manage to earn money. Same with older parents that need care too etc etc…. And if they dint, they are made to feel guilty about it.

Are you seriously unaware of the legal rights conferred by marriage, including shares of assets?

*It’s their partner, not a gf of a-few months.
The. Children are also HIS children.

What has the fact the OP is married or not has to do with it?*

The issue with looking after two children and a partner is just the higher risk of burnout because of the sheer volume of caring being done.

The issue of them not being married is the same that is made when women give up work to care for children when they are unmarried. You are placing yourself in a vulnerable financial situation.

In this case the promised job at the end of this stint of caring comes from OP's family. If for any reason this relationship dissolved the DP could find himself in a very difficult situation.

I agree that women are very often made to assume unrealistic and damaging amounts of care and I wouldn't want this situation for either of my dc, boy or girl.

I also don't think that five year career breaks are normal anymore in our two income society. Up to a year's maternity leave and then maybe part time seems much more usual with people I know.

Well, like the great SAHM debate it all depends on earning potential. Many women (as the lower earners) give up their careers because they just 'break even' with childcare fees, discounting the years of lost pension, career progression, etc.

The OP has tried and failed with combinations of other outside help. But in general, I wouldn't advocate 'family taking responsibility' as in doing the care themselves, over earning money. Even if they 'break even' it's still better than not earning at all as an unpaid carer (which if you're earning minimum wage anyway may not be a load of difference with benefits etc).

It's a bit odd that the OP's family own the business, but won't allow her husband flexible working. Who knows, maybe the 'joint savings' are hers, given by them. So they see no need.

It doesn’t have to be so black and white. People can feel a whole multitude of emotions and it be OK. Surely it’s OK to hope that your children don’t have to end up one day having to be careers. Just as much as I hope one day they don’t end up needing care. It doesn’t mean that if they do it’s bad. Parents can’t help but want the best for there children no matter what age. You can be disappointed but understanding. It must be so difficult for everyone involved. I have to say that being ill can be very selfish. I know I am at times. It’s always can we do this today with the kids or will I get crippled with fatigue. Mummy can’t take you to the park today because her body is so painful. It revolves around the illness each and every day. unfortunately people do become resentful and compassion fatigues.

This.

I am disabled, and when my relationship with ex husband, turned into patient /carer, it ended our marriage.

If you can outsource it, it's better.

I’m aware of that but that only makes sense if the OP has all the assets and he has none.
And you don’t know that. Fur all you know, they might live in a house that is his name only. Have some savings in his name etc… so that marrying would put him in a worse situation….

But that's not what you implied with your comment. You used relationship length as a metric when it's irrelevant. Both a GF of few months and partner have the same legal standing and could disappear in a few months. Children have nothing to do with the length of the relationship

If you'd replied with this comment fair enough, but PP never said that marrying was the right thing. Only that it should be considered. Especially as it's the OP's family business employing him, that she conceivably might have some stake in.

You have clearly never done long term care for a disabled family member.