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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad because I'm not well

245 replies

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 16:30

I've been ill with an infection since the weekend. DH was away at the weekend, so I've been ill since he's been home.
He's so grumpy with me.

I had to go back to the doctor's today because I've been on antibiotics but not getting better, and they advised me to go to a&e. When I phoned DH to let him know, I could practically hear his eyes rolling.
He works in the hospital I was told to go to, but he refused to come down to see me before he left. Said he couldn't because he had to get the kids. He gets the baby from nursery every day, and it's open 1.5h later than when he normally picks them up so I don't see why he couldn't have come over for 5-10 minutes just to check I'm ok.

He's now having a strop because I've had some blood tests and the results won't be back until half 5, so I won't be home until 6pm at the very earliest.

OP posts:
HowRatherGolly · 17/05/2023 17:12

Tough for him. He will need to parent his DC while you wait, and while you get better. It is not something you can control is it? Also, by not coming to see you, its not the end of the world but I can understand you would like his support. He is clearly having a mini meltdown so leave him to it. Is this an isolated incident or has he got form for being an ass?

Saucemonkey · 17/05/2023 17:14

Concentrate on getting well and leave him to it. I often wonder what will happen when we all get old and fragile with these uncaring men “looking after” us all.

beenwhereyouare · 17/05/2023 17:20

This must make you feel even worse. I can offer nothing helpful. My husband was sometimes upset when I was sick, especially when it lasted longer than a couple of days. I got sick a lot more often than he did, too.

All these years later, he now gets sick more, and I get sick less. He's really sweet and nice to me now when that happens. Such a shame it took becoming seriously ill himself for him to gain understanding and empathy.

I hope you feel better soon.

Stratocumulus · 17/05/2023 17:21

Think only of yourself for now. Switch off from thinking about him, baby and any other issues.

Just keep his uncaring attitude up your sleeve and next time he’s sick tell him to “P**s Off!” Or more considered …
refrain from any sympathy and just think to yourself “let him get on with it!”

I hope all goes well and the test results are helpful towards diagnosis and recovery.

Jellycats4life · 17/05/2023 17:25

Saucemonkey · 17/05/2023 17:14

Concentrate on getting well and leave him to it. I often wonder what will happen when we all get old and fragile with these uncaring men “looking after” us all.

It’s a well known phenomenon that men are far, far more likely to walk out on their wives after a serious diagnosis (such as cancer) compared with when the sexes are reversed.

OP - your story sounds very familiar. These men get so annoyed when their live-in housekeepers get sick and they have to pick up the slack.

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 17:37

I'm still waiting in the hospital. Apparently they want a surgeon to come and review me as I may need surgical input for the source of the infection.
I'm not sure when they are coming but hopefully relatively soon. Baby is breastfed at bedtime still and won't take milk from a cup or bottle so I need to be home for then ideally.

@HowRatherGolly the a&e is literally next to the door he leaves by so he could've come in for 5 minutes without any issues but he refused. He didn't even text me to say he was leaving. I sent him a message asking if he had gone just after his finishing time because he hadn't said anything and he just replied saying yeah.

He hasn't spoken to me since I told him I was having a blood test over an hour ago.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 17/05/2023 17:39

I Hope your dh isn’t in a caring role in the hospital. He sounds totally selfish.

LividHouse · 17/05/2023 17:39

I had one of these.

It was a year ago I was in hospital and today we’re almost divorced.

notteallyme · 17/05/2023 17:40

I'm sorry op, I agree with above. It's inconvenient for you to be ill. Hope things get better.

perfectcolourfound · 17/05/2023 17:42

Hi @Stripyunicorn that's just awful!

If I was at a hospital anyway and knew someone who was in I'd offer to visit them. Let alone my partner, and the mother of my children!

How can he be so uncaring as to leave without putting his head around the door, or more to the point, why wasn't he rushing to see you and check you were doing OK?

His behaviour is the opposite of unloving. If this is how he is, I'd get yourself better and consider if you really want to be with someone who treats you like an irritiating inconvenience. This is the very person who you should be able to rely on when you're ill.

In the meantime, do you have anyone else you can call on for support? Don't shy away from explaining how rubbish he's being either - he doesn't deserve your protection, and they are more likely to step up if they realise you have no support at home.

Thesharkradar · 17/05/2023 17:44

@Stripyunicorn that's very upsetting & worrying, I hope you start to improve soon.
As for mr sulky little boy, ignore him, dont say anything but when he's ill or needs your help you can serve it all back to him cold

Lostinplaces · 17/05/2023 17:45

He’s giving me the ick and he’s not even my fella. You deserve better.

WwhatEever · 17/05/2023 17:46

Lots of men react badly when their main domestic appliance plays up. I'm sorry you're married to such a selfish pig, and I really hope you get the treatment you need fora speedy recovery 💐

TwilightSkies · 17/05/2023 17:50

Sorry to hear you are sick ❤️

Your husbands true colours are coming out. He should be EXTRA loving when you are sick. I’m sure you wouldn’t treat him this way if he was sick.

The amount of women on this board that put up with partners treating them like dirt when they are sick is shocking!

Itmustbenaptime · 17/05/2023 17:50

So sorry, that's terrible behaviour and must be so stressful if you're ill. I just noticed you mentioned breastfeeding - you could ask medical staff about it because they might allow your husband to bring baby in for a feed if you're still in hospital at bedtime... I don't know but I seem to remember they're meant to support breastfeeding mums!
I realise this isn't the main issue here, and obviously it depends on how you're feeling too. Hope you feel better soon and he is REALLY apologetic!

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 17:59

Itmustbenaptime · 17/05/2023 17:50

So sorry, that's terrible behaviour and must be so stressful if you're ill. I just noticed you mentioned breastfeeding - you could ask medical staff about it because they might allow your husband to bring baby in for a feed if you're still in hospital at bedtime... I don't know but I seem to remember they're meant to support breastfeeding mums!
I realise this isn't the main issue here, and obviously it depends on how you're feeling too. Hope you feel better soon and he is REALLY apologetic!

I've got the car with me and the car seat is in it. No way would he get public transport here to bring me the baby, we have an older child too.

He didn't used to be such an arsehole, just recently (the last year or so since baby was born) he's been steadily getting worse. I genuinely don't know how much more of it I can take.

OP posts:
Fandabedodgy · 17/05/2023 18:02

Will baby eat some supper instead of a bf?

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:10

Fandabedodgy · 17/05/2023 18:02

Will baby eat some supper instead of a bf?

Yeah probably. It's usually when they see me that they decide they want milk.
I just want to go home to my babies now really. I'm bored, tired, teary and just feel crap.
I just want to feel loved and like someone gives a shit for a change tbh.

OP posts:
Itmustbenaptime · 17/05/2023 18:11

Well, I guess in a way that simplifies things for tonight - he's on Daddy duty and you're focusing on being looked after at the hospital and resting as much as you can before it's time to go home...
It sounds like a really unpleasant pattern of behaviour - maybe an extreme moment like this helps you see how bad it is, which could be helpful in figuring out what to do...?

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2023 18:16

Op, if you need it to feel comfortable, they should be able to find you a breast pump if you are in until past baby’s bedtime

ApolloandDaphne · 17/05/2023 18:16

What an uncaring shit. You deserve better

Jellycatbat20 · 17/05/2023 18:16

Your husband's an arse, frankly. What role does he have in a hospital to be that ignorant and downright nasty? I hope to God it doesn't involve dealing with patients.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I hope you get sorted soon. And when you're feeling better seriously have a think about what this shows about the twat.

SheilaFentiman · 17/05/2023 18:17

Separately, your husband is an arse, even more so as he works in a hospital and has some idea of healthcare!

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:24

He's admin so not patient facing. He would probably care if it was someone else anyway.
He just kept going on about the time he had an abscess which lead to septicemia and IV antibiotics because obviously that's worse than what's wrong with me so I've got nothing to complain about, I need to get on with it.

OP posts:
Battlecat98 · 17/05/2023 18:39

Well I hope you get some news soon which allows you to get back to your babies. Just offering a different opinion (as a nurse) I sometimes see this behaviour, and when you dig down, it can be because they are worried about you being seriously ill so try to ignore it. Not saying this applies to your DH when you just need someone to care.
However you need to have a talk to him and explain how it made you feel.
How is he when your dc are ill? Or does it all fall to you?

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