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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad because I'm not well

245 replies

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 16:30

I've been ill with an infection since the weekend. DH was away at the weekend, so I've been ill since he's been home.
He's so grumpy with me.

I had to go back to the doctor's today because I've been on antibiotics but not getting better, and they advised me to go to a&e. When I phoned DH to let him know, I could practically hear his eyes rolling.
He works in the hospital I was told to go to, but he refused to come down to see me before he left. Said he couldn't because he had to get the kids. He gets the baby from nursery every day, and it's open 1.5h later than when he normally picks them up so I don't see why he couldn't have come over for 5-10 minutes just to check I'm ok.

He's now having a strop because I've had some blood tests and the results won't be back until half 5, so I won't be home until 6pm at the very earliest.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 18/05/2023 07:25

He seems to think you're getting one over on him, because you're ill. When you are feeling better then it might be time to look at your future.

I do hope you're feeling better very soon 💐

loislovesstewie · 18/05/2023 07:26

So sorry you are having to put up with such insufferable and cruel behaviour from the very person who should care most. When you are feeling well please consider if it's worthwhile continuing with this relationship. If he can't cope with this then he how will he be when you become elderly? Becoming less able as we get older has its own challenges, I would not expect much empathy from him then as he has none now.
I hope you start to feel better soon.

Crocadoodledoo · 18/05/2023 07:32

Throw this one back, OP. He’s a dud.

OhCobblers · 18/05/2023 07:34

@Stripyunicorn you mentioned he was away at the weekend.
Was that work or pleasure?

Irrelevant of that, this is one of the worst threads I've read on MN. What a vile specimen he is. I couldn't stay with anyone who treated me with such a lack of love and care. The one person who is supposed to love you the most??

Pollyputhekettleon · 18/05/2023 07:38

The fact this began around when the baby was born, and he wasn't always like this, is very suspicious OP. This is the classic attitude change of a cheater.

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 07:47

I would be kinder to a sick animal than he is to his wife

Itsokay2020 · 18/05/2023 07:59

@Stripyunicorn I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning and can rest whilst you fully recover.

When you feel stronger, you need to speak to DH and in your position I would eloquently and calmly tell him that I refuse to set my bar so low that it becomes acceptable to not show any compassion towards a loved one.

From your updates, and given that his attitude has changed since the arrival of your baby, it sounds like classic jealousy and he’s feeling pushed out by the kids.

If you want this marriage to work, you both need to put the effort in (once you’re feeling 100%!) and make time for each other as a couple as well as parenting as a team. Talk to him, this won’t get better without communication.

If he refuses to listen, stop doing things for him. You are not there to serve him and you deserve so much more!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 08:02

MouseMama · 18/05/2023 07:11

Without a doubt he’s behaving terribly. I hate myself for suggesting it as his behaviour makes me so cross (you deserve better, we all do).

BUT is it possible this is a trauma reaction. He’s been through a serious infection before and probably contemplated his own mortality. Now you are sick and he’s minimising it because he’s terrified/can’t accept the thought of you being really unwell. The whole thing is just stirring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions in him that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

or he’s just an arse!

Trauma reaction? Come on.

Don’t tie yourself in knots to defend a man being a cunt.

DrDavidStarKey · 18/05/2023 08:06

Get well. Get advice. Get out.

I've been ill for years and am now getting well. My DH has had to deal with some horrific crap but he could not have been kinder or helped me more. He has had c and I returned the favour with nursing him at home, taking him to appointments and generally managing his life as he could not. That is what we both signed up for.

In sickness and in health.

He will never improve and the resentment will eat you alive.

Davestwattymissus · 18/05/2023 08:06

This is not going to be massively helpful, and for that I apologise:

He is a twat

Angliski · 18/05/2023 08:10

I had a near fatal accident recently. DH single handed with 2 year old DS for 15 weeks. Reading this kind of shitty behaviour makes me so grateful. Your DHneeds to find some grace and perspective. What a knob.

Bananarepublic · 18/05/2023 08:18

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/05/2023 07:21

Why do women have to bend over backwards to excuse the poor behaviour of men towards their loved ones?

I agree. It's part of the reason why we ignore red flags in the first place because we're taught to give them the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for poor behaviour.

It's time to change the narrative and call disgusting behaviour out for what it is. And I'd certainly not be getting together with someone who left their wife when they got a serious illness. They'd be less likely to act like cunts if someone didn't provide them with a soft landing.

OP I'm so sorry your husband is so uncaring. Really consider your options. He doesn't deserve you.

wistfullyfocused · 18/05/2023 08:23

What a cunt.

Honestly OP, tell him to fuck off. I’d rather starve on my own than be so disrespected. That’ll make or break.

I hope you feel (health wise) a bit better today. RIP your relationship.

MojacaSunset · 18/05/2023 08:26

I hope you feel better soon op.
I feel so angry reading this, your dh is totally out of line. It's when times are tough that you need to be able to rely on your partner, he is failing you at your most vulnerable, it is emotional abuse!
I'm ill at the moment and dh is having to pick up school runs etc, it's what a team do..... we support each other. If your dh doesn't have your back you need to decide what to do about your future.

vitahelp · 18/05/2023 08:26

The more you tell us the worse it gets. I wouldn't be able to come back from this if I was in your position. He is acting like he hates you and has zero compassion. He can't possibly love you and behave like this. I'm sorry to be blunt but I suspect you already know all of this. I'm sorry you have ended up with this person and I hope you can get away.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/05/2023 08:26

I'm so sorry OP I really am. My husband dumped me when I was seriously ill in hospital.
i guess my illness was inconvenient for him. He hasn't spoken to me since.
You know, its ben 5 years now and life is just so much happier without his endless miserable moods and sulking. I don't know how I stuck him for 20 years.
Maybe its time to think about moving on.
Its hard at first but when everything settles down you can't imagine how you put up with it before.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2023 08:35

How are you this morning op? I hope you feel better.

I am not going to even comment on your useless excuse for a husband. Others have said it all.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:38

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish that he expects you to leave work and delay picking up the kids because the poor selfish big man baby can't wait for his blood results on this own at the hospital. Needs his wife to comfort him and support him - like a useless selfish asshole thinking only of himself. Wawa, poor baby, let him sit by himself. And then telling the wife - how can you stay with such a selfish whiner?

Bananarepublic · 18/05/2023 08:41

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:38

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish that he expects you to leave work and delay picking up the kids because the poor selfish big man baby can't wait for his blood results on this own at the hospital. Needs his wife to comfort him and support him - like a useless selfish asshole thinking only of himself. Wawa, poor baby, let him sit by himself. And then telling the wife - how can you stay with such a selfish whiner?

What a load of shit.

inappropriateraspberry · 18/05/2023 08:43

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:38

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish that he expects you to leave work and delay picking up the kids because the poor selfish big man baby can't wait for his blood results on this own at the hospital. Needs his wife to comfort him and support him - like a useless selfish asshole thinking only of himself. Wawa, poor baby, let him sit by himself. And then telling the wife - how can you stay with such a selfish whiner?

How stupid. Nobody has said he should have dropped every gyro be with her, they have children that need looking after. BUT showing some interest and concern for her is not too much to ask and he has clearly ignored her completely.
If they were taking her seriously in hospital why wasn't he? If it had been the other way round, I'm sure she would have been in contact with him to find out how he was and what was happening and wouldn't have ignored him or sulked when he got home.

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/05/2023 08:46

He does not see you as a human person in your own right.

You are just a domestic appliance there for his convenience.

willWillSmithsmith · 18/05/2023 08:46

I strongly think (once you’re better) you tell him to either improve his horrible attitude or get out. Make him know that you don’t tolerate this disgusting uncaring behaviour. I honestly think I’d feel cold towards him and not want to be around him anymore.

willWillSmithsmith · 18/05/2023 08:47

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/05/2023 08:46

He does not see you as a human person in your own right.

You are just a domestic appliance there for his convenience.

👏🏻👏🏻 spot on!

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:48

inappropriateraspberry · 18/05/2023 08:43

How stupid. Nobody has said he should have dropped every gyro be with her, they have children that need looking after. BUT showing some interest and concern for her is not too much to ask and he has clearly ignored her completely.
If they were taking her seriously in hospital why wasn't he? If it had been the other way round, I'm sure she would have been in contact with him to find out how he was and what was happening and wouldn't have ignored him or sulked when he got home.

Show quote history

Go read some threads about sick husbands. The posts would be and now he expects you to fawn over him at home while you are wrangling two kids by yourself while he lies like a useless wanker on the couch? He would be crucified as a useless excuse of a husband if he was the sick one in this scenario.

willWillSmithsmith · 18/05/2023 08:49

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 18/05/2023 08:38

There are lots of threads with the man being sick and the woman eye rolling about it.

If this was him at the hospital, it would be all posts about what a big man baby and so selfish that he expects you to leave work and delay picking up the kids because the poor selfish big man baby can't wait for his blood results on this own at the hospital. Needs his wife to comfort him and support him - like a useless selfish asshole thinking only of himself. Wawa, poor baby, let him sit by himself. And then telling the wife - how can you stay with such a selfish whiner?

Nonsense. I’m sure a loving, caring text would have been appreciated by OP. He showed zero care or concern.