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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad because I'm not well

245 replies

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 16:30

I've been ill with an infection since the weekend. DH was away at the weekend, so I've been ill since he's been home.
He's so grumpy with me.

I had to go back to the doctor's today because I've been on antibiotics but not getting better, and they advised me to go to a&e. When I phoned DH to let him know, I could practically hear his eyes rolling.
He works in the hospital I was told to go to, but he refused to come down to see me before he left. Said he couldn't because he had to get the kids. He gets the baby from nursery every day, and it's open 1.5h later than when he normally picks them up so I don't see why he couldn't have come over for 5-10 minutes just to check I'm ok.

He's now having a strop because I've had some blood tests and the results won't be back until half 5, so I won't be home until 6pm at the very earliest.

OP posts:
heartbroken22 · 18/05/2023 05:28

Learn your lesson from this and get him to do more when you are well. He's obviously not pulling his weight and that attitude suggests he finds things a burden to do when you are unable to do it. Train him up when you are well so he's taking on roles that you do too.

heartbroken22 · 18/05/2023 05:29

Keep this behaviour in your pocket and next time he's very poorly remind him how he behaved so he feels ashamed. Don't let him off too easily.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/05/2023 05:43

This is horrid.

please lean on your other friends and family - you’re clearly not well and getting better is more than just ‘rest’ you need to feel cared for too.

you sound like a lovely mum and caring person - don’t let his nastiness let you forget that.

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 05:53

What’s all this next time? Don’t let there be a next time; leave him- he clearly doesn’t care about you so why would you try to “train him up” or stay with him?

georgarina · 18/05/2023 05:56

I just asked my 5 year old how you should treat someone when they're ill. He said 'Give them medicine and Lego and give them lots of hugs'

Your H is acting horrifically. Sorry OP. And hope you feel better soon. x

peachicecream · 18/05/2023 06:17

Wow, so much for 'in sickness and in health'.

I think I'd be questioning the entire marriage OP, he really doesn't seem that concerned at all for your wellbeing.

Original poster
Stripyunicorn · 18/05/2023 06:38

He decided before bed last night I'm in a mood and asked what's my problem. I just said I'm tired and in pain because I can't be arsed with an argument yet while I feel so awful.
He didn't answer and just went to sleep. He's not spoken to me this morning either, he's just got up and left the room.

OP posts:
coffy11 · 18/05/2023 06:40

When you're feeling better you should tell him exactly what the issue is. And that you won't stay with someone so selfish, lazy and who thinks so low of you as a person. And then leave him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/05/2023 06:43

Blimey op, he’s a selfish arse! I’m sorry you are going through this - being unwell is bad enough without a partner who is a hindrance rather than a help. I think you need to focus on you and on getting better first. Then you need to have a serious think about whether this relationship is right for you in the longer term.. and I doubt it is, he is showing you his true self.

JuneOsborne · 18/05/2023 06:43

My dad could be like this with my mum. It was hard to watch as a kid. When my dad eventually left/was kicked out we literally had a year long party. I was 17. My mum wasted years. She died young. The last text on her phone to my dad was: Dave, you're such a cunt.

My dad wasn't called Dave, but you get the drift.

Don't wait, and waste your life.

Hope you're feeling better.

Chchchchchangesss · 18/05/2023 06:45

My ex was like this. No dc thankfully, but any time he wasnt centre of attention he couldn't cope and he would give me the silent treatment punctuated with him occasionally telling me i was in a mood and he would start talking to me again when i stopped being in a mood.

I wasnt in a mood, but i couldn't see the level of emotional abuse he was inflicting on me until years after i left him. Id have to cajole and be extra nice to him to get him out of his tantrum because i couldn't bear the silent treatment.

Jennybeans401 · 18/05/2023 06:57

I hope you feel better soon. Your dh is not a nice man, I'd consider how it would be if you were diagnosed with a long term illness. You deserve better

Steakandquinoa · 18/05/2023 06:57

How are you this morning OP? Feeling any better yet? Probably take a day or two for the antibiotic to work.

magicscares · 18/05/2023 07:01

Well wishes to you OP.
Your H sounds mean & I wonder if there is some other reason he didn’t want to meet you in his work place.
Sorry you’re having to go through this.

femfemlicious · 18/05/2023 07:01

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 17:37

I'm still waiting in the hospital. Apparently they want a surgeon to come and review me as I may need surgical input for the source of the infection.
I'm not sure when they are coming but hopefully relatively soon. Baby is breastfed at bedtime still and won't take milk from a cup or bottle so I need to be home for then ideally.

@HowRatherGolly the a&e is literally next to the door he leaves by so he could've come in for 5 minutes without any issues but he refused. He didn't even text me to say he was leaving. I sent him a message asking if he had gone just after his finishing time because he hadn't said anything and he just replied saying yeah.

He hasn't spoken to me since I told him I was having a blood test over an hour ago.

WOW!. he doesn't care about you at all😭. This is sad

blondieminx · 18/05/2023 07:02

Oh now he’s trying to say you’re in a mood? Good grief. Ignore him and focus on getting better and getting away from him. You deserve kindness, not gaslighting. Especially when poorly.

I would like to recommend you read “why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft.

coodawoodashooda · 18/05/2023 07:11

LividHouse · 17/05/2023 17:39

I had one of these.

It was a year ago I was in hospital and today we’re almost divorced.

I had one of those too. It doesn't get better op. You deserve better.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 18/05/2023 07:11

He sounds awful op, I hope you feel better soon x

MouseMama · 18/05/2023 07:11

Without a doubt he’s behaving terribly. I hate myself for suggesting it as his behaviour makes me so cross (you deserve better, we all do).

BUT is it possible this is a trauma reaction. He’s been through a serious infection before and probably contemplated his own mortality. Now you are sick and he’s minimising it because he’s terrified/can’t accept the thought of you being really unwell. The whole thing is just stirring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions in him that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

or he’s just an arse!

inappropriateraspberry · 18/05/2023 07:14

He's incredibly selfish. I hope he has looked after the children ok and not taken it out on them with his attitude.
It sounds like they had genuine concerns about you in hospital, it's not like you're regularly going in for every scrape and bump.

BTMadmummy · 18/05/2023 07:15

@Stripyunicorn i really hope you are negotiating feel a bit better and your antibiotics have kicked in.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 07:16

MouseMama · 18/05/2023 07:11

Without a doubt he’s behaving terribly. I hate myself for suggesting it as his behaviour makes me so cross (you deserve better, we all do).

BUT is it possible this is a trauma reaction. He’s been through a serious infection before and probably contemplated his own mortality. Now you are sick and he’s minimising it because he’s terrified/can’t accept the thought of you being really unwell. The whole thing is just stirring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions in him that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

or he’s just an arse!

I would be surprised if this were the case. Op said his behaviour has been deteriorating since the baby was born.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/05/2023 07:20

🤣🤣🤣”trauma reaction”! After OP saying this is not new type behaviour and treats her like shit all the time.

get well soon OP then kick him to the Kirb

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/05/2023 07:21

Why do women have to bend over backwards to excuse the poor behaviour of men towards their loved ones?

Onefootinthegroove · 18/05/2023 07:22

What a nasty cunt he is.
OP I hope you are starting to feel better. Once fully recovered please get some advice from Womans Aid, dont stay in this relationship.
My lovely DH watched his mother ignore her own medical needs because if his father's reaction until she was forced to seek treatment- this was 50 years ago , mind.
They thought it may be cancer and he moved out within 48 hours .......to be with OW.
Thankfully it was not cancer and without FIL there MIL thrived and lived to a ripe old age.
DH still to this day ( in his 70's now) will minimize any illness or injury because of his childhood- children see and internalise a lot more than you think.