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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is mad because I'm not well

245 replies

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 16:30

I've been ill with an infection since the weekend. DH was away at the weekend, so I've been ill since he's been home.
He's so grumpy with me.

I had to go back to the doctor's today because I've been on antibiotics but not getting better, and they advised me to go to a&e. When I phoned DH to let him know, I could practically hear his eyes rolling.
He works in the hospital I was told to go to, but he refused to come down to see me before he left. Said he couldn't because he had to get the kids. He gets the baby from nursery every day, and it's open 1.5h later than when he normally picks them up so I don't see why he couldn't have come over for 5-10 minutes just to check I'm ok.

He's now having a strop because I've had some blood tests and the results won't be back until half 5, so I won't be home until 6pm at the very earliest.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/05/2023 22:12

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:47

I'm assuming when I eventually get home he will either have got himself a takeaway or he will refuse to eat because it's too late for him.
I asked him to cook dinner last night because I felt so ill but he just said I'm a better cook than him and sat down watching TV and playing on his phone.

He's not spoken to me for 2.5h now so he has no idea what's going on here or where I'm up to. You guys know more than him.

Holy fuck. I just can’t comprehend him saying that, it’s unreal! Playing on his phone? Did you have to cook for a dc? If not, I’d just make something for myself, that’s crazy. Having a loving partner means they’ll pretty much do anything for you, despite it being inconvenient or uncomfortable.

Unless he stops being an asshole really quickly, I’d be re-evaluating the relationship.

Londonlady1423 · 17/05/2023 22:20

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 21:51

I got home about an hour and half ago. Both kids came straight over to me, so I took them to bed. He didn't say a word to me.
Apparently I'm sulking because I haven't really spoken to him. No mention of the fact he's not bothered even saying hello to me.
Just over an hour after I got home he asked what the drs said but in a "what was the point of that" tone of voice if you know what I mean? He's more interested in the football so I'm leaving him to it.

Just read the whole thread, so sorry OP that he is being an absolute bell end. I'm actually quite shocked reading how selfish and uncaring he has been towards you. What is he like normally when you are well? It would be a huge red flag for me and make me worry about how he will be in the future if something happened to you.

Focus on getting better at the moment, I'd probably just say to him you are too tired and unwell to properly chat at the moment and just leave it at that. When you're feeling better I would sit him down and have a serious chat about the future, I would not want to waste the next however many years with someone who is such a dick. Think of the example he is setting for your children on what a partner should be or how they should treat you. Would you want your children growing up to think this is an ok way to behave

Gcsunnyside23 · 17/05/2023 22:28

Sorry he's being a prat OP. Hope you feel better soon. Please give him the cold shoulder and tell him where to go, it's ridiculous he can't even ask if you're ok

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 22:30

Well, he's turned out to be a Larry Letdown hasn't he? What a dick.

dizzydizzydizzy · 17/05/2023 22:32

Oh I know what this is like, OP. DP is much the same. I have a serious chronic illness, which he refuses to talk about it even for a minute or two. I don't think he even knows what my symptoms are.

I have numerous other problems with his behaviour too. I eventually plucked up the courage to talk to my GP about him and to my great surprise she told me he was a domestic abuser. I honestly just thought we didn't get on that well and it was 50% my fault.

Perhaps you are in a similar position? Having now learnt about domestic abuse, I would say that what your DH is doing would be a common type of behaviour pattern for an abuser. Hope this is not the case. You have my full sympathies. I know what living in a vacuum is like.

WwhatEever · 17/05/2023 22:42

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:57

I've finally had a message from him. "So are you actually any closer to coming home yet then".
He doesn't give a shit does he.

No, he doesn't give a shit. You need to do some serious thinking OP.

moonriverandme · 17/05/2023 23:41

He sounds horrible. He's forgotten about in sickness & in health hasn't he. In relationship terms, it's better to be healthy on your own than sick with somebody else. He's not behaving in a loving,caring way, it will only get worse. It's not a good example for your children either. I'd be seriously rethinking my marriage. Hope you're better soon op.💐

blondieminx · 17/05/2023 23:56

I am sorry you’re so poorly, and hope the new drugs kick in pronto.

Your husband’s lack of care, shitty attitude and total absence of support isn’t ok. You don’t have to live like this.

8 years ago I had some very wise advice from here “do you want your kids to see your marriage as what normal adult relationships look like?”. I realised it really, really wasn’t.

You deserve to be supported and cared for.

ImustLearn2Cook · 18/05/2023 00:24

💐Hope you get well soon. Sorry your husband is being so uncaring.

MsRosley · 18/05/2023 00:32

I honestly don't know how you can put up with him. He's a total c*nt.

airmaxJ · 18/05/2023 00:33

Actually shocking to read this , how are things today sis you chat with him about his attitude? Hope you are feeling better x

PeopleAreShit · 18/05/2023 00:59

@Stripyunicorn i think when you are well yoi need to think about leaving him. A loving DH wouldn’t treat you like that or say any of those things, the polar opposite of everything he has said and done.

Newestname002 · 18/05/2023 01:01

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:57

I've finally had a message from him. "So are you actually any closer to coming home yet then".
He doesn't give a shit does he.

I'm so sorry you're married to such an uncaring person. He couldn't have made it more plain he's annoyed at you for being sick as, as for this ⬇️ well he actually is an absolute shit.

I asked him to cook dinner last night because I felt so ill but he just said I'm a better cook than him and sat down watching TV and playing on his phone.

He should be supporting you, his wife and mother of his children and he's showing you he just doesn't give a damn.

Take care of yourself and please don't do anything for him that he's quite capable of (or should be) including cooking for him, laundry/ironing etc. 🌹

barmycatmum · 18/05/2023 01:24

As IF you need to deal with his sulks and passive aggressive emotional blackmail when you need support in healing and feeling better!

It truly shocks me that someone who said marriage vows to you, somehow thinks it’s ok to behave like this to you.

OP there is no planet on which this is even remotely ok. I wish you could feel all of our care for you through the screen- because caring and nurturing is what you need and deserve right now, not this complete bullshit.

:( I am so sorry. What an awful way he is treating you.

MrsRickAstley · 18/05/2023 01:50

It's over ...or it should be !!!

No he doesn't care. He's a self centred prick.

DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 02:14

Holy fuck - what am I reading here?!

I had a bit of a cold yesterday and my husband made the kids dinner while I had a lie down then made me my favourite comfort food and waited on me so I didn't have to get up.

I love him, and he's a great husband but this is literally what I or anyone else half decent would do for their partner - it's only slightly more than the bare minimum.

And this selfish prick didn't even come close to the 'bare minimum'. He didn't even manage what most of us would do for a friend or neighbour.

It's not you, it's definitely him and once your infection clears up I hope you can find the strength to rid yourself of the other toxic element that is playing havoc with your sense of wellbeing because you shouldn't have to live with this treatment.

Remaker · 18/05/2023 02:31

What an arsehole! I was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. A friend commented on how lucky I was that DH was stepping up and not running away in horror ‘as many men do’.

We really let men get away with so much shit don’t we!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 02:44

Bless you. You deserve so much better. Your babies know who they rely on. And it’s not him.

LunaNorth · 18/05/2023 02:51

He’s foul. In fact, he’s so foul that I wouldn’t be surprised if he disappears along with the source of your infection when the antibiotics kick in.

He’s an abscess on the butt of your life.

Get rid, asap. I wouldn’t be surprised if your health improved when you do. It’s hard to be healthy when you’re living with a contemptuous cunt.

Asuitcase · 18/05/2023 03:19

Get strong and then make plans for the future that don't involve him.

Do the bare minimum for him as he has shown a complete lack of care for you.

You sound young, you could be with someone who actually cares for you, he really sounds fucking horrible.

Sorchamarie · 18/05/2023 03:30

" He's not behaving in a loving, caring way, it will only get worse. It's not a good example for your children either".

This. Please don't waste years of your life on someone whose love is so clearly contingent on you not inconveniencing him (even when it is completely out of your control). That's not real love. Your children need to see you respecting yourself in order to develop respect for themselves. Model that for them by leaving this horrible selfish man. Like hell is he acting this way because he's anxious for you!

Catsmere · 18/05/2023 04:46

Stripyunicorn · 17/05/2023 18:47

I'm assuming when I eventually get home he will either have got himself a takeaway or he will refuse to eat because it's too late for him.
I asked him to cook dinner last night because I felt so ill but he just said I'm a better cook than him and sat down watching TV and playing on his phone.

He's not spoken to me for 2.5h now so he has no idea what's going on here or where I'm up to. You guys know more than him.

Honestly it sounds like it’s time for you to plan a divorce if you can, OP. He’ll abandon you and the kids if, God forbid, you get a long-term or terminal illness.

mathanxiety · 18/05/2023 04:52

He didn't used to be such an arsehole, just recently (the last year or so since baby was born) he's been steadily getting worse. I genuinely don't know how much more of it I can take...
.....
He just kept going on about the time he had an abscess which lead to septicemia and IV antibiotics because obviously that's worse than what's wrong with me so I've got nothing to complain about, I need to get on with it...
.....
You're dealing with a very jealous and immature excuse for a man. He spent this evening punishing you.

He is the only one allowed to be ill and get the attention that goes along with illness.

He is the only one you can devote attention to. You're too busy now with a baby and a child.

CheekyHobson · 18/05/2023 05:07

He doesn't give a shit does he.

It seems not. And I know it’s tempting to waste time wondering why not (as though it might be due to some inadequacy on your part) or thinking that you can somehow get him to understand that you’re worth better, but you can’t. People who don’t get it and aren’t interested in getting it can’t be taught.

I’m not religious but even the Bible cautions not to throw your pearls before swine. They just don’t appreciate them. They’ll gobble them up, making no difference between pearls and vegetable scraps, and be off looking for more.

Your husband is acting like a pig. You just need to accept the reality and act in accordance. If he won’t treat you as though you are worth better, treat yourself that way.

Notsurewhatodohere · 18/05/2023 05:08

My ex was like this, it used to baffle me how he could be so unpleasant when I was having a hard time or in need. He refused to give any kind of emotional support. It seems that his "rules" were that I was there to care for and support him not the other way round so he would get angry if I wasn't on form. When one of my parents died he wouldn't even hug me or say anything to try and be of comfort, he was like a stone. That was the dealbreaker for me so even though I was heavily invested I left and haven't looked back. Wishing you all the best.