If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

I think there are many naive people around. I was also in that camp myself. I never, for one moment, suspected that my "D"H could cheat on me. Or that he would even want to. We had been together for 16 years, when I found out that he had cheated with several OW. We had the PERFECT life. Two lovely children, plenty of money, good sex life, big house, 2 cars, foreign holidays, and back then, I was really pretty with a lovely figure (not any more, LOL). BUT....he still did it anyway. And not in a passive "I was caught in a situation and was weak" kind of way - he actively pursued OW's.

I stayed for 4 years, trying to save the marriage. He continued with the sleazy behaviour (which I was far more aware of, once I knew to look for it), and guess what, one night, in a bar, I was approached by a handsome man, and BAM, I cheated on my "D"H. I would have NEVER done this, had he not broken us first, but by this point, I was just so heartbroken. So, there you go - I am that someone, who thought I would never cheat, but given the perfect storm, I did.

This was now all years ago, and over that time, all of my friends husbands have cheated on them. Even the quiet ones, that you would swear would not have it in them. Every. Single. One.

I think when you're in your 20's & 30's, you haven't seen much of life yet, and you trust everyone. There is that innocence, inside you still. Sadly, once you are older (I'm in my 50's), you've seen so many things happen, that you get a bit jaded. I suspect that's why OLD in your 50's is a shit show. No one trusts anyone by this point, because most people have been shat on.

I see my daughter and her friends planning their weddings, and feel dread for the heartache that could come, if things pan out they way they did for me and my friends.

But....you can't live like this, can you? I married again. I trusted again. Thankfully, at 15 years in, things are still good, with no signs of foul play. But I would never rule out anything. I'm happy, but vigilant.

Why would you? How's about you found he had shagged several OW over the period of your marriage? You might feel very differently then.

Everyone has time and lots of people would have one if they could guarantee not being caught.

It's naive to think otherwise IMO.

Cue the "my DH would never do that....yada yada"

Well I wouldn't say it's zero effort for me not to cheat, @BadNomad 😀But definitely less effort than it might be for other people. I'm quite introverted and have spent long periods being single - so I don't look to sex or romance for validation that much. I tend to want to get away from people when things are bad, not look to them for something. My mum is the other way, hence her affair.

I also tend to be very logic driven in certain situations where others would have a more emotional response. This is both a blessing and a curse. But it does mean that my mind just asks 'would an affair help this situation, in the long term? No. Well don't do it then'. Am I more moral? Well I'm more moral than those who routinely lie and cheat but no more moral than someone in an abusive situation looking for a way out. I'm just wired differently and have a different set of experiences.

I know was exaggerating but you don’t even need to remotely try to find “misandry” on MN, it’s front and centre. This thread is full of men cheat, it’s always men, it’s the men that do it. But yeah, I do take your point overall.

Actually, I find it's got far more focus on vilifying OW, married or not, with the husband's responsibility largely downplayed.

same… it really pisses me off that a lot of the time the OW gets a majority of the blame despite the husband being married and having a family… they made the choice…… sometimes the Ow has no idea they are in a relationship, sometimes they do but let’s not forget the husbands are the once choosing to go through with it.

It’s really disgusting. I’ve fallen out with friends who have been cheated on and then fixated on the OW as the villain. Many of them had stayed with their husbands. Don’t understand it. My DHs commitment is to me. It’s irrelevant if he cheated with someone who had no idea he was married or who gleefully seeks out married men (although I don’t think they exist!) - he is the one responsible for not cheating on me.

I completely agree!

This. And it’s a good thing to acknowledge this as it means becoming better at creating barriers against it. Everyone has their shadow.

Oh please spare us yr sanctimonious crap. Of course you are allowed to feel anything you want to feel when you have been traumatised by two very deceitful shits that played with yr health emotions and mocked your whole being and life. You can and should be angry with the OW as well as your ‘D’H. It’s not misogynistic as the OW is hardly doing it for the sisterhood. Feel what ya like people, hate her, hate him, bunch a shits if you ask me. Then calm down and reflect what it is that you want out of life and then pursue that regardless of what shit show has been played out. Honest advice, tried and tested, just make yourself happy. You might want yr kids not to have to go through step family shite, and guess what, sure he can do it again, but you get another years pension tick tick time goes by, you ensure your kids get all the financial benefits. You literally could be wasting time with him or the next loser along, but ultimately if you are doing what you want and what you decide you ain’t nobody’s fool.

It’s often not just yr hubby wanting to chest that makes this happen. Men usually want sex because they are stupid and it’s a way of conquering their shitty little ego trip, whereby they are satisfied that someone desired them, because they are usually so fat gutted and ugly by their mid age, not one gives them a chance, bar the desperate ladies looking for a way out of their marriage. So if the OW was looking for an exit affair that’s doubly deceitful and you have every right to feel shag off about some middle aged maiden wanting to disrupt yr kids life and your life as you planned it, just because her head has tweaked that she might need company once she busts her own marriage. You have every right to be furious about that persons intentions. As for your dickhead husband entering this stupidity, he’s a total shit and dies not deserve you. But, again it comes with what you want, not what two misguided wannabes want.

Not sanctimonious at all. I’ve been on that side of it. She wasn’t even a consideration to me. She could have been anyone.

And I don’t absolve men on the basis of oh of course they’re going to want sex, they’re just men after all, can’t help themselves 🙄

Unfortunately, another case here as the trending thread shows .. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4813384-on-holiday-and-found-out-hes-cheated.

Seemingly perfect family life. "Perfect relationship ". Yet an affair happens. Op is devastated and never saw it coming.

Please don't be naive to think it'll never ever happen to you .

We're not with partners and think "yeah I wouldn't be surprised if they cheat". We (mostly) believe that they will never have an affair and bang , our whole world is torn apart.

What some people have to understand is that their feeling of "knowing" their partners wouldn't cheat is exactly the same as other people's...who turned out to be wrong. They felt exactly as you do.

That's exactly why the shock, heartbreak and trauma are so intense.

It's not just men..all people want to feel attractive and wanted. Turning the head of someone new and exciting is what many will want.

Men and women. It's obvious just reading this site for 5 mins.

Sometimes it's who they cheat with too . She was the most stuck up prudish snob I've ever met . A right miss goody two shoes .

There is only one person I know that I am sure has never cheated and that is mother. Of everyone else I know, they have either all admitted to cheating at some point or I wouldnt be able to say for sure that they havent/wouldnt. Even my own father. Mainly because he sent me a message meant for OW........no I didnt tell my mother as it would have destroyed her. She wouldnt have left him but she would have spent her much anticipated retirement knowing what he did. He knows I know and I think that the shock and fear of me finding out scared him shitless into behaving, now he is too old and ill to do it. Not the first time either but the only one I know of is when he was in his early thirties. Due to his job my sister and I have long suspected that there were others in the intervening years. Either she knew and turned a blind eye or (which we suspect) it happened when he worked away and he was good at covering his tracks....although it may be a bit of both.

I cheated. Perfect storm of MH issues, old friend showing me interest when my husband wouldnt have noticed if I disappeared until dinner wasnt on the table and a sexless marriage. Ex cheated on a former GF (not with me) and then with said former GF all the way through my pregnancy. He took AL or fucked her at work when he was running the place.....mind you he was the classic case of "if its on a plate...why not?" serial cheater.

I do believe that while not every one WILL, everyone COULD in whatever is their "tipping point" situation, even my mother.

Couldnt agree more.

The certainty is solid FACT.

Until it isnt.

Thats why the pain is so hard to endure, because the trust was 100%. You feel so fucking stupid that you truly truly believed , KNEW, that they wouldnt do it and then they did. Its not so much even what they did that makes you feel humiliated, but the fact that you never once questioned that they might. That they knew of that trust and took advantage of the fact that you would never even think it of them, to get away with it.

Equally, the shock and disgust I felt in myself when I cheated. It was a one off that my ex never found out about, but I have never forgiven myself for it. I know at least know why it happened, or rather what led to it, but I dont recognise the woman who threw caution to the wind and her knickers on the floor just to feel desired. I really trusted myself too! And to find out that I was capable of that was such a terrifying thing to learn. I have never truly trusted anyone since as I know just how it can happen.

But there lies the question to those who know their partner would never cheat.

They truly believe those that have experienced it are lacking in some way, be it looks, intellegence, charisma, it will not happen to them, they are special, their relationship/marriage is special, the very adour that keeps them desperate for it not to happen is the very thing that makes it happen.

They love too much, the marriage, the children, the life, nothing can shatter that perfectness because they are everything their partner needs, how can they be shat on when they love and give so much.

These are the very women it does happen to and you realise no matter how perfect you are there are many men that always take everthing for granted, even perfection.

Again.....couldnt agree more. I was one of them once.

I have since read "Why Men Love Bitches" and it isnt about treating people badly or manipulation, its about having healthy self interest (which some people will call being a "bitch" when actually its a really emotionally healthy way to live, I sometimes think that if they change the title they would sell more copies!) rather than the "nice girl" who gives him all he should want and then cant understand why he treats her badly/cheats. He has no reason not to! He knows that he can do virtually anything and she will still cook, clean, look after the kids, facilitate his career, guaranteed shag etc....

Its bascially a book about setting your personal boundaries and damn well sticking to them. I wish I had read it years ago because if I had, ironically, I wouldnt have had that one off episode of cheating as I would have had much better self worth and self belief.

There is no sure fire way to prevent cheating, there is no magic formula, you could be the richest, most popular, most interesting, most accomodating, loving homebody or high flyer, or the most beautiful creature that ever walked God's earth.

The probem is the more attributes you have it makes sense that your partner will have an equal ammount of fantastic attributes for others to notice.

So unless you have them tied up to a radiator 24/7 there will be time, oppotunities and motives, no not all will take them, but many will take them and maybe you'll never know but that's love, there are no guarantees.

It's a very brave thing to love someone, it's not for the faint-hearted.

Yet ordinary plain Janes and Johns cheat.
I'm not buying the objective material reasoning for cheating, such as charming, good-looking, etc. The issue is broader than that.
I know personally I can be highly promiscuous when not in a relationship.
In a relationship, no one or circumstances can turn my head.
Maybe its something to do with value and compartmentalization.
We all derive value from others maybe some are more susceptible to ulterior validation. I also think some feel entitled to too. I also think society encourages it, it certainly doesn't condone affairs anymore.