If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

That doesn't mean that one day they won't be faced with an opportunity they value more. Which is the point of the thread. You as a friend or acquaintance see the very tip of the iceberg of these men. Their wives see more, but still only a tiny part of the hugely complex person everyone is in the privacy of our own minds. How can you know whether your friends husband has developed secret feelings for a colleague, who he believes is the one he should have met first; or is feeling life passing him by and longs for the experience of illicit sex just once before he gets old and dies?

Part of the problem with assuming you know what everyone would do is that, should you turn out to be wrong, you may be inclined to think the betrayed spouse is mistaken or lying. Because you already knew this wasn't possible, based on...not actually all that much.

This is utterly horrific. What a shame that no one has found a way of telling the wife just how utterly horrible her husband is and his affair partner are! All those days of her life wasted by this nasty man.

Again I really. Any express how my husband was ‘these men’. No one thought my husband would ever even look at another woman. He was such a devoted family man and we were happy. Interestingly that was one of the reasons the AP fell for him, because of these qualities. Ironic really!

That's more common than people think, I think. The Fatal Attraction thing. There is a kind of woman who actually wants a steady partner and family and yet seems to be incapable of searching for them with available men. Or some OW are attracted to the fact that he doesn't shag around indiscriminately and loves his wife. I guess it either makes him less likely to leave (contrary to MN lore, this isn't what all OW want) or marks him as a cut above the stereotypical serial shagger.

And of course, the man in that film as well. As with many male adulterers, I think...he loves his wife and child and life and has no intention of leaving or hurting them. He just thinks he can have some quick fun one weekend while they're away, they'll never know and nobody will ever get hurt.

He's wrong, obviously!

Wow my post had a lot of typos.

But yes. There is a theory around mate poaching and actually a happily married and devoted family man is considered highly desirable as they’ve proved their worth so to speak. It really is backward thinking, but I saw it play out in my husband’s affair. He still made those choices so my issue is him but I do find it just so ironic because once he’d crossed that line to affair he stopped being epitome of the desirable mate she wanted.

Which brings us the other great cheating myth. "You always get caught, so its not worth the risk."
In fact if you take sufficient precautions the risk can be very low, especially with a ONS. People think if their partner doesn't find out, they won't be hurt. Which obviously is objectively true. And if no one ever knows, its a bit like the tree falling in the forest, with no one there to hear it.

Which brings us the other great cheating myth. "You always get caught, so its not worth the risk."

Yeah, that's bollocks. Of course not all affairs get discovered. You're not going to know about the ones that didn't, or the ones the couple doesn't make public!

I've heard that a lot of affair couples communicate via a shared email address. They both have the login details and they leave messages for each other in the Drafts folder. No messages any other way. That wouldn't be impossible to bust, but as long as you always log out, clear history and shut off the auto fill...

Before my husbands affair I had no idea how many ways there are to conceal contact and hide an affair. After it happened I read constantly around it all. Sadly it did open my eyes up a lot, burner phones, private searching, secret chat apps, fake sm and email addresses that no one knows etc etc I really felt so naive and trusting and stupid tbh. It’s so insidious!

I've heard that a lot of affair couples communicate via a shared email address. They both have the login details and they leave messages for each other in the Drafts folder. No messages any other way. That wouldn't be impossible to bust, but as long as you always log out, clear history and shut off the auto fill...
I don't see much difference between this and just having a secret email account that you only log into online. That's what my ex did.
However, it wasn't as secret as he thought; he'd had it for 15 years, and when he set it up, he wrote the address and password in a little book. When we moved, the book ended up stuffed in the back of a drawer. And years after that, when I was cleaning the drawer out, I happened to flick through the book and saw the address. I'd been trying to get him to move out as it was increasingly obvious he was having an affair, but he was denying it and refusing to go. So I logged in to this email account, looked in the "sent" folder and he moved out a couple of weeks later.

I do agree that if you are properly careful, there's a pretty good chance you won't get caught. But a) most humans are careless at times, b) sometimes it's just bad luck. And c) as a friend found out, sometimes your suspicious husband has set up a keylogger on your computer that sends whatever you type on it to his phone.

Sittwritt · Yesterday 22:19
Yes it is unbelievable actually because none of us go through life without being tested and your marriage is identical to so many other users on here, especially the unaware ones trusting another being fully. Till they find out that’s not the wisest option, though lovely in its naivety. Nor is it a marriage superior to any other where people have failed morally, and their spouses have had to search and scratch about for any sign and glimmer of forgiveness they never knew they had in them and somehow they moved on and grew together. So yes, you may tell yourself your spouse is perfect and not a cheater, but your marriage does not sound a tested one and hence I can see how some other posters may perceive it as a naive belief to which you are fully entitled to.”

Oh, I have been tested. Firstly by an abusive father and older brother, then by an inadvertent relationship with a married man (I was 18, he was 23, I had no idea). Several less than ideal boyfriends.

I am in no context naive. That is how I know I can completely trust my husband, as he can trust me.

@letthatmango the AP did try and get found out by the wife but she had to be really careful to show it didnt come from her. I remember she tried calling and the wife said 'youre not the first and you wont be the last' so sounds like everyone knows on some level. I doubt the wife knows the lengths they go to to have their thrills.

You think it's his fault? Surely they're equally to blame. Doesn't the husband also deserve to be told or is it alright for her to cheat.

I guess it depends on the type of man you are with. My ExDP, he was always flirting and other woman were on the edges of our 23 year relationship, he had an EA with my friend 4 years ago and it was a serious attempt to get her in to bed, i spend 23 years waiting for him to leave me for another woman.

We split 4 months ago (and 6 weeks after moving out, he moved in with the EA woman and her kids) and i am seeing someone new, i have known him a long time (over 35 years) and i am 99% sure he wouldnt cheat, he has no history of it and has seen the devastation that ExDP put me through and i like to think he wouldnt put me through it again, i would love to say 100% he wouldnt cheat but sadly i am too jaded to be that trusting.

Didn’t read the last sentence, it was early, sorry it offended you. If course he should be told too!

I think this is very true, if you believe that many (most) affairs are not based on mindless 'shags' but on feelings and shared experiences, mirroring in a way what he has with the primary partner.

I also think that if you can know for definite, that you really don't 100% know what your partner would or wouldn't do, it can actually save you from some of the pain and harm of the dawning realisation that you didn't know them at all if/when it does happen...

Interesting thread but I think ultimately behind every affair there will be one partner who always said they'd never ever consider cheating as it's just against their moral code and another partner who said oh my partner /spouse would never cheat

I suppose most people don't marry someone if they think it's reasonably likely that they'll cheat.

None of us know what the future holds. I did ask OH if he'd look to find a new partner if i died and he said only if it had a furry coat and a waggy tail. We've had cats (I'm a cat person) he'd rather have a dog but I'm not keen so it looks like if I go first I'll be replaced by a dog. I dont think another woman will get a look in.

I've also been very surprised by the mild mannered devoted husbands I know who have lost their wife then shacked up with someone else very soon after

Exactly most people wouldn't (apart from the odd few who think their love can 'change' his errant ways) yet affairs still happen all the time so it kind of proves the point any type of men can stray

Men are shit at being alone. I know someone will pop up to tell me about their male relative who has happily lived alone and single for 500 years but it's true. They are not good at being alone, and being mild mannered and devoted doesn't change that.

it really does depend on the man, as per my story further up, when exdp left i said give it 2 months and he will find a single mother with her own house and be shacked up and well, he didnt disappoint, where as new DP stayed single for 6 years after his marriage broke down, he was content to stay on his own and wasnt interested in dating, obviously he is now as we are together so it really does depend on the man.

No you are exactly right with the exception of my grandad god rest his soul who never did a thing for himself whilst my Nan was alive but after she passed was a very independent set in his ways person and god forbid he meet a woman who may interfere with his plans hobbies or where he put everything in his house

Men are shit at being alone. I know someone will pop up to tell me about their male relative who has happily lived alone and single for 500 years but it's true. They are not good at being alone, and being mild mannered and devoted doesn't change that.

A lot of people aren't good at being alone. I do think men benefit more from relationships, and the stats about longevity and happiness bear that out. But there are many women out there who seem to put up with all manner of shit, just so they can have a man. I think we'd all be better off if we saw being single for prolonged periods as a positive choice. It would allow us to take the time to find someone who is right for us rather than put up with shit relationships just to avoid being single. And it would stop all this swinging from one relationship to the next without much, or any, time in between.

My DP and I have both have long periods of being single. It was part of what drew us together - knowing that it was a shared experience for us and knowing that we were actively choosing each other, rather than just thinking 'oh you'll do, I don't like being alone'.