If you think your partner doesn’t have time for an affair, think again

[toooldforthisshite]

They will find a way. Even the most seemingly gentle, respectable guy, you know, the one who everyone says ‘he would never’. They do.
They will invite their side bit to their work during work hours if necessary to avoid having to make excuses as to why they are late home. They will wait for you to fall asleep then start chatting to her. They will delete every message they receive or send.

I'll take your word for that! Ime women rarely need to engage in persuit. Few would go short of willing partners for an affair type scenario, so would be more likely to be fighting them off with sticks than chasing after any particular one.

@5128gap

I'll take your word for that! Ime women rarely need to engage in persuit. Few would go short of willing partners for an affair type scenario, so would be more likely to be fighting them off with sticks than chasing after any particular one.

Women tend to be more discerning than men in this department (though not always!)... and the hordes of sleazy and older married men willing to partake often won't be what is being sought.

I'm single and have shagged/had affairs with several married men. It's still adultery morally/spiritually, even if it isn't legally.

I hope not to do it again.

men cheat more by MILES, and yes , morally its not ok to have an affair with married people, but it is the person who is married who breaks the vows,
and men also lie and say they are divorced, separated etc

Read the first few pages and, wow!

Of course anyone could cheat. It's a decision you make.

I've been in 'those circumstances', including the aftermath of when ex cheated or when he would neglect me and had the opportunity, time and offers and still haven't.

And that's not because I'm an amazing person, it's for purely selfish reasons - I would feel awful because it is wrong no matter what the circumstances. It would eat me up and I'd hate myself, so why would I do that too myself? If your tempted to cheat you leave the relationship (or work on it, obviously).

I have been through some very traumatic experiences, I've had bad relationships, been cheated on and as I say had opportunity, time and offers.

I couldn't live with myself and I know myself better than anyone else. People who are saying about it being people you'd never would think would do that, well, that's because you're not in their head. You can never fully know a person because you are not inside their head and therefore do not know what they are capable of.

Anyone could cheat if they want to and I know there is always a chance in any relationship I'm in, but to say for definite every single person will cheat at some point is ridiculous. You can't say that about anything in life.

What a pile of shit. I would never cheat on my wonderful DH. Why would I. He is fucking amazing. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

🙄 how do you know he won’t?

@vecape

men cheat more by MILES, and yes , morally its not ok to have an affair with married people, but it is the person who is married who breaks the vows,and men also lie and say they are divorced, separated etc

There's no proper evidence that men cheat more by MILES, and that there are countless number of hapless young women being hoodwinked by devious older men into relationships. The evidence suggests men cheat more, but not by very much.

Anecdotal evidence that men cheat loads more than women from you or your friends/family experience is no more valid than my personal experience.... which is that people having affairs are very rare indeed and are that it's mainly women whom do it, because the only 2 affairs I'm aware of in the past 20 years or so with my family and friends both involve wives ran off with other men!

Nobody can ever be 100% of other peoples behaviour.
Do I think 100% of the population would cheat given the opportunity? No.
Do I think I disappointingly high proportion would cheat given the opportunity and dependant of their circumstances at the time? Yes, absolutely. I agree, the posts where people say there's absolutely no way he would ever cheat on me, often make me think they're living in denial.
But tbh this thread serves no purpose, don't stress about your partner cheating until you catch them at it. You might be one of the lucky few

Always thought my DH and I were soulmates, we were the ones who would last, I've certainly never looked at anyone else in the 34 years we've been together and would never believe he would cheat on me.

Until of course he did.

Never admitted it of course, but over a couple of years I've found suspect receipts around, found he was in a hotel overnight 5 miles from home when he was at the other end of the country on business etc. Recent heart to heart (or not) I asked him if there was anyone else and the response was "not specifically" (I know right!). Our grown daughter saw my MH hugely nosediving on a visit home and dragged it out of me (never wanted to involve DCs or cause rift between them and their dad) she told me when she was 15 she saw a sexually explicit text on his phone (previewed on lock screen) and ripped him to shreds, he convinced her it was a bit of fun from a colleague. Think we know somebody but now I trust nobody but my bfs, kids and my dog. Once I'm out of my marriage I will surround myself with dogs and books, my children and my 3 wonderful female friends, no interest in ever signing custody of my heart to a man ever again

I feel for you @clareangel but keep in mind it has nothing to do with you. Oh and at 34 yrs of marriage good luck to him splitting all that pension. The fool. Had no idea it would come back to bite him. It’s but only that, the kids will see his grossety in full light. Yuck. I would hate for my kids to think of me as a pervert, but that’s essentially what he’s got now, like a parental write off for being a dirty sick pervert that could not act like a respectable family man, but a sleazy Middle aged gutful of shame and grossness.

What I don't understand about this thread is that if I were to say "DP would never cheat", I'd be bombarded with "but but but, how do you know?". But if I said "I would never cheat", well that just gets accepted. Surely you're either arguing that every single person would cheat, in which case you'd be wrong, or you simply have to accept that despite your suspicions about the majority of people, there are going to be a proportion of people who genuinely won't.

Er, well, no @jacquec I can know I won't cheat, because I know what goes through my own head. I think some people don't cheat, no matter what the temptation or provocation.

I'm almost certain my partner won't cheat. I think he's in the group that never would. But I cannot know for sure, because I'm not in his head. I can know about me. I can't know about other people.

And actually, if you'd read the thread, you'd see plenty of people have questioned those who've said they would never cheat and asked how they know. Granted, quite a lot of that was 'but affairs just happen' as if they're acts of god. But people were questioned nonetheless.

But if I said "I would never cheat", well that just gets accepted.
Actually the usual response on MN is to say that you never know how you'll behave until you are in the situationn.

Just chipping in on the do men cheat more than women question - given there are roughly the same number of men and women - surely the answer has to be the rate of cheating would have to be the same on average - they are all cheating with someone (usually the opposite sex)

I think women are better at hiding it (men less observant too) and women are less likely to admit to it

sadly, I agree OP. My ex got away with it for a couple of years at least. Possibly longer. I really didn't bother myself with trying to get to The Truth once I realised the extent of the lies. He got away with it because he came home on time every day, left at the same time every day, kissed me goodbye and said 'I love you' and generally was available and present whilst at home. He was also self-employed and essentially let his successful business go because he took his eye of the ball spending time in the afternoons with the OW. It only came out because the business was at the point of closure and he had covered that up as a means of covering up the affair.

No one is immune to an affair. It can happen to any of us at any time.

>>I think women are better at hiding it (men less observant too) and women are less likely to admit to it
Interesting. Care to say more?

I think some people don't cheat, no matter what the temptation or provocation.

I think a lot of people imagine temptation or provocation to be a sexy person giving you the come on, while your relationship is healthy, happy and meeting your needs. That's pretty easy for most people to shrug off, I think, although of course there's a type that will always go for a bit of fun if they can.

But that's a very different kind of temptation and provocation to when your partner is neglectful, distant, uncaring, abusive, controlling or similar, and you feel unloved and unwanted. You might well imagine that they wouldn't care if you did cheat, since they don't seem to care about anything else you do and perhaps don't want to sleep with you themselves. Of course you should leave if you know you're irrevocably unhappy, but life and love just aren't that black and white.

I used to think only a "certain kind of person" cheated, but as I got older and saw the stereotype busted over and over again, I had to rethink. I also noticed that it could even happen with nice or good people, if they were in the kind of situation I describe above. Is it ideal? Of course not. Are all cheaters and betrayed spouses like that? Of course not!

I used to say I'd never cheat, and I never have. But I've never been stuck in misery. I love my husband dearly and I don't want anyone else. But if he changed and started treating me with disdain, disrespect, distance and so on...well, I cannot say with absolute 100% certainty that I would end my marriage, sell my home, move house and change our children's lives before I took any opportunity of comfort or solace from another person.

People have been known to kill for money/life insurance payout, or to get an inconvenient spouse out of the way.

I totally agree with you.

I just this is skewed by so many on MN appearing to be irrational man haters so it’s accepted that when a woman (sorry, I’m assuming you are) says they won’t cheat that’s fine because women are good but you can’t say that about men because men are bad.

Yes I know that’s a wild generalisation and it’s as bad or even as inflammatory as many of the people I’m effectively criticising but it’s just my take on it. I’m sure many will disagree vehemently!

I think a lot of people imagine temptation or provocation to be a sexy person giving you the come on, while your relationship is healthy, happy and meeting your needs. That's pretty easy for most people to shrug off, I think, although of course there's a type that will always go for a bit of fun if they can.

Are many people that naive? I would define being in a bad situation yourself as provocation. And I do think that some people don't cheat, no matter what their situation or how bad it is. I've been in some very shitty situations - I just don't see cheating as the answer or the way out. It's just not how I'm wired. I don't see this as making me better somehow, because it's not so much a question of effort on my part, as just being how my mind works.

I've never thought that only a certain type of person would cheat. When I was a teenager my mum had an affair. My neighbour left his wife after something like 25 years of apparently happy marriage. (Unrelated incidents!) So I've been aware from a young age that many people cheat. It seems to me that a whole range of people cheat and a small number don't.

I don't see this as making me better somehow, because it's not so much a question of effort on my part, as just being how my mind works.

That's a good way of looking at it. In those types of situations, for some people it takes effort to not cheat, but for others it takes zero effort to not cheat. It's not an active choice they're making. The urge/need is just never there.

Are many people that naive?

Well when the overriding sentiment is "I love my partner and I don't want anyone else, therefore I KNOW I'd NEVER cheat because some people have morals and just don't!"....yeah, I think they are.

I know some people are obsessed with rooting out 'misandry' on MN at every hands turn, but i do think thats a stretch!
Its perfectly obvious that the reason for any discrepency noted by the PP is because a statement about one's own behaviour/intent is likely to be far more reliable than one about what you believe to be another person's.